Nicky Watson strips for Calendar Girl

JOHN SELKIRK/Dominion Post

CALENDAR GIRL: Nicky Watson posed in a variety of skimpy bikinis and thongs for her very own telly show.

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In Calendar Girl (Sky 1, Wednesday) we saw Nicky Watson on a thong-string budget pose in a series of bikinis and then completely in the nude for her 2008 calendar.

I noted with great interest the last time I was home that The Aged Parent had marked the date of this show on the kitchen calendar, and on further inquiry was fascinated to hear that he hoped his dinner guest that evening would leave before 9.30pm when the action started.

I tuned in to see what all the fuss was about and it's true what they say about less being more as we plumbed the depths of Nicky's spiritual side, which she said really came out when the steam blew hot all over her as she struck a pose next to a hot pool.

Not too keen on the sulphuric odour of Rotorua, she named it Rott-orua but hastened to liken the smell to compost which made you feel so alive (and spiritual).

This observance was divulged to a smaller, blonde mini-me Nicky as the two innocently cuddled up together in the back of their camper van, just like Paris and Nicole.

Just to show us what a nice down-to-earth girl Nicky is, even though the brief years of trophy wifedom have left her with a voice that sounds as if it has been trained by Paula Ryan, she happily slummed it in a backpacker's hostel.

With her mini-me offsider, the girls took to the supermarket aisles and bought a trolley load of mince and healthy vegetables, which Nicky enthusiastically sliced on the cutting board while divulging that she was brought up in a house of "four dudes" and was well-schooled in building meals for males.

Nicky's photographer was a real gent and fussed over the talent when she wore high heels close to the edge of a hot pool, but had the creative strength to encourage Nicky to lie naked on ice and submerge herself in a Waitomo Cave ice cool pool.

What a trouper she was as she stripped off again and again without so much as a grimace or a whine to show us how it's done.

I bet she could show those Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar girls a thing or two about pain and suffering and being a total professional.

The funny thing was that the end product was kind of anti sex. Without Nicky's fake breasts, which she actually referred to endearingly at one point as "the girls" and told them to get to work, our answer to Pamela Anderson is a bean pole.

She has wonderfully long legs, sinewy arms and a backside so small it makes Elle Macpherson's look positively Jay Lo-esque, but with the air let out of her whats-its you would be hard pressed to describe her as curvaceous.

And I do love the hilarious wardrobe for off-duty quasi soft- porn sex stars. In between shoots a girl has to wear an OS-sized baby-blue puffy nylon jacket with the compulsory fur-trimmed hood that stops just below the mons veneris to show off a long expanse of nude, fake-tanned leg, plunging straight down to the calf swathed in either a furry boot or a brightly painted gumboot.

The effect the model is striving for is that of an eight-year-old, precocious, tousled-haired blonde dragged up in a hippie commune. I wonder if April will be her cruellest month?

- © Fairfax NZ News