So, I turned 31 over the weekend, and I know I'm getting on a bit - but I never thought I'd feel old enought to start complaining about the state of pop music.
I'm no prude, but back in my day pop stars had class. The Top 20 was full of great hooks, simple melodies, hummable choruses, lovable characters, and my favourite song of all time, Pseudo Echo's Funky Town.
But when you turn on The Edge these days, it's pretty much like porn radio. I don't have kids, but if I did I wouldn't let them listen to it. Apart from the fact the DJs are on permanent energy drink highs - there is such a thing as too much taurine, guys - the lyrics in the current crop of pop hits are appalling.
My current beef - yep, this 31-year-old still uses hip-hop phrases in his blog - is with Flo Rida and his single Right Round. Have you seen this? Have you read about this? Have you heard about this?
Okay, I'll stop mimicking Jay Leno and just print the chorus for you to read: "You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down down."
There's no innuendo there. If someone is singing this, they're not talking about their sexual partner of choice getting down on their hands and knees and washing the floor with a bucket of soapy water.
That certainly wouldn't make my head spin around. Unless the kitchen lino was scrubbed so hard a vortex into another dimension opened up where Guitar Hero players were worshipped like the Gods they are, and life was permanently soundtracked by a barbershop quartets of dwarves.
Sorry to break it to you, but Flo Rida is singing about oral sex. At least Lil Wayne's Lollipop and 50 Cent's Candy Shop had a certain amount of pretence about them. Lil Wayne really could have been eating a Chupa-Chup, and 50 Cent might have just been craving a sherbet fizz stick and a box of licorice.
While I'm at it, have a listen to Lady Gaga's latest effort, Disco Stick. There's no such thing as a "disco stick". You can't go down to your local party supply shop and rent a giant neon flashing pole for everyone to dance around at your Saturday night flat warming. It doesn't exist.
So when she's talking about wanting to "take a ride on your disco stick," Lada Gaga isn't singing about Rainbow End's new '80's-themed rollercoaster. There's no metaphor, simile or complex algorhythm to solve. She singing about bumping uglies, plain and simple.
My problem with this is, where does it go from here? I have no problem with sex in music - Rihanna's Hate That I Love You is one of the best music videos of all time. But come on guys, don't just spell out the fact that you're having lots of hot sex. Do it with a bit of class. Work on your metaphors. Writing a song about getting laid and putting lots of girls in your video isn't going to cut it for much longer.
I tried writing a pop song myself when I was 13, but dismissed it for being too, well, simple. I can only remember the chorus, but it went something like this: "Get it on, get it on, get it on before it's gone. Get it on, get it on, get it on before too long."
Up against Flo Rida, it's fracking Shakespeare. When do I get a record deal?
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