So, I turned 31 over the weekend, and I know I'm getting on a bit - but I never thought I'd feel old enought to start complaining about the state of pop music.
I'm no prude, but back in my day pop stars had class. The Top 20 was full of great hooks, simple melodies, hummable choruses, lovable characters, and my favourite song of all time, Pseudo Echo's Funky Town.
Madonna humping naked guys and Michael Jackson's nipples was about as raunchy as it got.
But when you turn on The Edge these days, it's pretty much like porn radio. I don't have kids, but if I did I wouldn't let them listen to it. Apart from the fact the DJs are on permanent energy drink highs - there is such a thing as too much taurine, guys - the lyrics in the current crop of pop hits are appalling.
My current beef - yep, this 31-year-old still uses hip-hop phrases in his blog - is with Flo Rida and his single Right Round. Have you seen this? Have you read about this? Have you heard about this?
Okay, I'll stop mimicking Jay Leno and just print the chorus for you to read: "You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down down."
There's no innuendo there. If someone is singing this, they're not talking about their sexual partner of choice getting down on their hands and knees and washing the floor with a bucket of soapy water.
That certainly wouldn't make my head spin around. Unless the kitchen lino was scrubbed so hard a vortex into another dimension opened up where Guitar Hero players were worshipped like the Gods they are, and life was permanently soundtracked by a barbershop quartets of dwarves.
Sorry to break it to you, but Flo Rida is singing about oral sex. At least Lil Wayne's Lollipop and 50 Cent's Candy Shop had a certain amount of pretence about them. Lil Wayne really could have been eating a Chupa-Chup, and 50 Cent might have just been craving a sherbet fizz stick and a box of licorice.
While I'm at it, have a listen to Lady Gaga's latest effort, Disco Stick. There's no such thing as a "disco stick". You can't go down to your local party supply shop and rent a giant neon flashing pole for everyone to dance around at your Saturday night flat warming. It doesn't exist.
So when she's talking about wanting to "take a ride on your disco stick," Lada Gaga isn't singing about Rainbow End's new '80's-themed rollercoaster. There's no metaphor, simile or complex algorhythm to solve. She singing about bumping uglies, plain and simple.
My problem with this is, where does it go from here? I have no problem with sex in music - Rihanna's Hate That I Love You is one of the best music videos of all time. But come on guys, don't just spell out the fact that you're having lots of hot sex. Do it with a bit of class. Work on your metaphors. Writing a song about getting laid and putting lots of girls in your video isn't going to cut it for much longer.
I tried writing a pop song myself when I was 13, but dismissed it for being too, well, simple. I can only remember the chorus, but it went something like this: "Get it on, get it on, get it on before it's gone. Get it on, get it on, get it on before too long."
Up against Flo Rida, it's fracking Shakespeare. When do I get a record deal?
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I am more offended by the blatant reworking of 80's pop songs being remixed into songs like "Right Round."
Remember the original version of that song from the 80's? I'm sure that offended 31 year olds back in the day too.
Well let's be honest, FGTH's Relax was hardly filled with double entendres, was it? And ACDC haven't been exactly subtle down the years either: Let Me Put My Love Into You (let me cut your cake with my knife); Let's Get It Up (loose lips sink ships so climb aboard for a pleasure trip)...the list goes on. That said, at least they were better songs than the likes of Lady Gag and the rest.
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY old man!
Tutti Frutti, oh Rutti.....awopbopalubopalopbamboom! Oh yes, they dont write them like that anymore!
Another classic from the lovely Ms. Gaga - "And all I can say is Ay, ay..." Yet more proof her mind is as empty as an icecream tub at overeaters anon.
Or thanks Nickelback for this gem... "You're so much cooler when you never pull it out, 'cos you look so much cuter with something in your mouth"
Ew.
(A) You listen to the Edge...Bad move (B) Those Radio Muppets are like a bunch of excited 3rd formers (C) Your right it is all about sex and basically soft porn for the ears, worst its marketed at 10-13 year olds kids well done radio works. (D) Everyone is either a a hip hop star jocking some strippers or you are a stripper that is strong enough to stand alone without your pimps money...average. (F)This paint by numbers pop is the format which they sell this sexed up sugar to the kids in there target market to listen to your station and get advertisers dosh. (G) Its been Slopped up to us for at least 20 years now I can see it stopping...meh.
Chris I'm afraid dirty lyrics go way back, it's just that when we were young we thought they were cool, & as we grow older we seem to become less tolerant of the current efforts (something also to do with the fact that we don't like the music so much?).
Check out the background to The Lemon Song (Led Zep)
Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg, The way you squeeze my lemon, I..Im gonna fall right out of bed, yeah.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lemon_Song
it goes back to 1937?
Mind you, if you will listen to commercial radio then you deserve all the bad songs you get (& insufferable DJs).
I get more annyoed by lyrics that just make no sense, rather than the obviously dirty ones (although I am not sure I'd be happy with my kids listening to them, if and when I have them). For example, Britney Spears' "womaniser". I know she probably didn't write it, but whoever did obviously has a mind the size of a pea. You can't make a song chorus out of just one word "womaniser, womansier you're a womaniser, womaniser womaniser..." argh!!!! Think of something a little clever please!!! Or what about "All of the boys and girls are begging to if you seek amy" IT DOESN"T MAKE SENSE!!!! I know its meant to be cleverly dirty but seriously, to achieve that it actually has to be clever first!!! As in make sense.
I turn off the radio now when ol Brits comes on. Its just not worth doing that to my blood pressure..
I'm 18 and I fully agree with you, Chris. There is a lot of plain trashy rubbish out there...it's not art...there's no style, no class. Pop music--specially lyrics--is going down the drain...
P.S. a very Happy B'day :)
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I was listening to the Edge myself when I heard a song by Saving Abel. Something like "Im so addicted to - all the things you do - when you're going down on me - in between the sheets - all the sounds you make - with every breath you take...."
Nothing subtle whatsoever with that one either!
So long as its got a good beat, im generally happy. Dumb lyrics are what annoy me the most.