Blog: Armchair Olympian

23:48, Aug 12 2012

Our athletes have performed wonderfully at the London Olympics and the country has been hooked on keeping track of their success.

All this television watching and kettle chip munching has left me exhausted, not too mention the new body mould in my couch.

Us New Zealanders can now pat ourselves on the back for a job well done...well, not ourselves, the Olympians representing us (same thing, really).

As the curtain falls on the 2012 Games I’ve been thinking about sports that could be worthy of the Rio de Janeiro event, and I’ve even made a few up to add some spice. So, here’s some I’ve come up with.

Feel free to give them the Olympic seal of approval or the big thumbs down...

Medieval jousting


What better fun than watching the old tradition of two armoured riders on horseback charging full noise at one another with potentially life-threatening four metre lances?

If it’s good enough for medieval kings to watch then it’s good enough for us.

This is a truly Herculean event which tests horsemanship, strength and courage. A sport worthy of Olympic status.

There could be a men’s and women’s category with a knock out format.

The rider must wear steel armour at all times, even on the podium - to add to the mystery.

Might want to keep the paramedics close by for this one.

Cannonball and bellyflop diving

Keep all the fancy diving but throw the competition a curve ball with this new event.

This is merely a chance to watch perfection in everyone’s favourite, and everyone’s most painful, diving categories.

The cannonball event could be where the large truly excel.

Points would be awarded for style and splash height measured by a specialist laser device. 

The bellyflop event is not for the faint-hearted but is certainly entertaining to watch.

Once again points for splash height and another device used to measure the decibels on that sickening smacking sound you hear as the bare stomach flesh hits the water. Beautiful.

Frisbee Golf

A personal favourite of mine. Please don’t confuse with ultimate frisbee or simple frisbee. Frisbee golf is played like golf but with, you guessed it, frisbees. Albeit a lot heavier than your average beach-going toy.

The goals are traditionally steel baskets with chains and playing this sport is incredibly addictive.

But don’t be fooled by it’s innocent name, get hit in the noggin by one of these flying objects and you’ll be out for the count.

Extreme table tennis

This may be a little far-fetched for some but I have used the word ‘‘extreme’’ in the title, which should justify it completely.

I’m thinking different rounds of table tennis involving hoops of fire, a swinging beam across the middle of the table (like the windmall round in mini golf), and a moving table round.

If that’s not enough drama to make this normally dull-viewing experience liven up we could introduce a lightning round... but I’ll leave that one to your imagination.

Western Leader