The things that leave a girl panting for less

FAIRFAX

UNDIE-LYING EMOTIONS: Debenhams released the results of a survey suggesting that underwear purchases can reveal the state of men's emotional life.

Relevant offers

OPINION: John Ruskin, the 19th-century critic and artist, is said to have been so horrified by the sight of his wife's pubic hair on their wedding night that he insisted the marriage be annulled.

On similar lines, I have always struggled with the disturbing memory of my first boyfriend's boxers - nylon, lime green, and covered in Smurfs.

The Smurf pants were not actually on my boyfriend - they were on his mum's washing line. My boyfriend and I saw them flapping in the breeze at the same time, and at that moment he realised that despite everything - the dirt bike, the possum pelts above the bed, the sideburns, and all his other carefully cultivated symbols of 1980s masculinity - I would forever associate him with miniature blue goblins who lived in mushroom houses and made remarks to each such as "I feel like smurfing you on the smurf." He was, in short, never going to get any smurfing from me, and the relationship faltered within days.

I remembered this incident last week, when British chain store Debenhams released the results of a survey suggesting that underwear purchases can reveal the state of men's emotional life. This was shocking news: I never knew men had an emotional life.

As if that wasn't enough of a revelation, it also gave an apparently foolproof method for discovering whether your partner is window-shopping for another woman. According to the survey, men in a stable relationship let their partners purchase the pants. But when they're on the prowl, they start buying their own underwear.

This is a great discovery for women, who no longer have to go to the bother of checking text messages, listening in on phone calls or sniffing shirts for traces of Midnight Poison. Now they can simply do a quick scan of the underwear drawer for anything in leopardskin.

In the interests of full disclosure, I should reveal here that another of my jobs, outside of journalism, involves looking at images of hot young models in snug-fitting underpants. This is a tremendous burden and I do it only because I have a strong belief in the redeeming power of work.

Anyway, this experience has convinced me that women are pretty much united on what we don't want to see in men's pants. Here, then, is a brief guide to common underwear faux pas:

REGRESSION PANTS: Are you wearing shiny nylon boxers? Do they feature fire trucks, skateboards, Batman or teeny tiny scottie dogs? Be warned that women will assume you are looking not for someone to have sex with, but for someone to play Lego with. If you're lucky, she'll give you the money for an icecream before she sends you home.

SAGGY PANTS: Loose-fitting boxers under loose-fitting jeans? Then I'll skip the handshake. The saggy pants/saggy jeans combo is the unmistakeable sign of the pocket billiards player, or of somebody who believes himself to be so huge that he requires frequent readjustment. Buddy - don't kid yourself. It's fine to keep your hands down your pants if you have a thermo-nuclear device in there that requires constant monitoring: if not, please put it away and keep it away.

BOND PANTS: Some women may have vague memories of Daniel Craig emerging from the ocean in a pair of tight blue swim shorts in the 2006 film Casino Royale. And other women may have this image as their screensaver. Unless you have a body as outstanding as Craig's, it might be wise to make your pants decisions based on a less intimidating role model. Homer Simpson, for example.

THE THONG: Those of us who have long since migrated to pants the size of two-man Scout tents fail to see the attraction of the thong, and are suspicious of the motives of any man who makes this unconventional choice. Thongs deliver a permanent wedgie, which leads women to wonder what other experiences you might enjoy. Are cheese graters involved? Thanks, but no thanks.

GOING COMMANDO: For years, I believed this phrase referred to wearing cargo pants. When I bought my first pair and was delighted by their comfort and convenience, I proudly announced to friends that I was "going commando".

Oddly, I have yet to hear back from some of them. Anyway, most women find the notion of male pantlessness unhygienic and wantonly dangerous, ACC or no ACC. Sometimes, less is not more.

- © Fairfax NZ News