Why not Lamesville or Proud to be Second-Rate?

IT'S A SIGN: The Wellywood sign proposal has received surprisingly wide international coverage, most of which can be grouped into one of three categories: mildly amused, pitying or outright mocking.

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OPINION: Kerry Prendergast: I will make a deal with you. If everyone in Wellington agrees to change their surname to Baggins, speak only in Elvish and collectively sacrifice a dozen virgins outside Weta Workshop each year, could we please not have the Wellywood sign?

Because, in the words of filmmaker Taika Waititi, just the thought of this sign makes most Wellingtonians "vomit a little in the back of their throats".

And yet it seems clear that some sort of blood penalty will be required to prevent the combined forces of Ms Prendergast and Wellington Airport from bedecking the hills above Miramar with a blot on the landscape only marginally less embarrassing than Central Otago's bra fence.

While it's hard to understand the decision by Wellington Airport chief executive Steve Fitzgerald to press ahead with this cringeworthy scheme - perhaps he has been sniffing aviation fuel - Ms Prendergast's obsessive fandom for Peter Jackson makes her come across like Mel in Flight of the Conchords.

In 2003, Sir Peter was startled to be asked by the mayor if it would be OK to name the airport after him. He made his excuses and left, but has since remarked to a reporter that "just the thought of it freaked me out a little". You and me both, Peter, and hey - shouldn't she have asked us first? There are those of us who would actually prefer Wellington Airport to be named something like . . . oh, I don't know . . . Wellington Airport.

And that's not all. There have also been parties, various unsuccessful attempts to organise parades, and a continuing scheme to rename a street in Pukerua Bay after Sir Peter. More plans are apparently in the pipeline. My guess is that, upon the unfortunate event of Sir Peter's death, his body will be pumped full of preservatives, Botox and food colouring before being put on permanent display inside a latex replica of the tomb of Elendil next to the Bucket Fountain.

The Wellywood sign proposal has received surprisingly wide international coverage, most of which can be grouped into one of three categories: mildly amused, pitying or outright mocking. Britain's Daily Mail ran a story that fell into the first camp, and suggested "the North Island capital is already unofficially known as Wellywood".

Really? Charming as it is to be referred to as the "North Island capital" - which thrillingly pitches the South Island as some sort of breakaway state - I'd love to know who, officially or unofficially, calls this city "Wellywood". I've never heard any of my friends referring to Wellywood and, if I had, I would have immediately unfriended them.

To read some of the coverage, you'd think everyone in Wellington spent their days banging clapperboards shut, binding actresses' breasts with duct tape and gluing the fur of factory-farmed Chinese cats on to latex hobbit feet. This could not be further from the truth. MY OWN interaction with Wellywood, which I suspect is typical of most Wellingtonians, consists of: watching a chunk of the King Kong set being driven through Seatoun on a wonky trailer; being unable to buy mineral water at Moore Wilson one day because the entire stock had been bought for the cast and crew of Lovely Bones; and having once seen a familiar bearded, shoeless figure leaving Mr Bun in Cuba Mall.

While any city formerly known for the dullness of its civil servants should be grateful to have a prominent film-maker in its midst, it's hardly accurate to say that the film industry defines us. And marketing ourselves as a Mini-Me version of Hollywood is so pathetic that we might as well erect a sign saying "Lamesville", or perhaps "Proud to be Second-Rate".

The other disturbing element of this whole sorry affair is Ms Prendergast's decision to support the sign without bothering to inform either her constituents or her colleagues, including the local ward councillors - who found out about it from a story in this newspaper.

Ever since she issued a statement implying the city would slip into anarchy, civil war and mass looting if she didn't rescue it by standing for a fourth term as mayor, Ms Prendergast has been sounding a tiny bit delusional. This is, of course, exactly how it started with Idi Amin. Surely it can only be a matter of time before she starts naming lakes after herself, feeding rogue councillors to the crocodiles and demanding everyone call her "Big Mummy".

- © Fairfax NZ News

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Louisette   #2   02:05 pm Mar 16 2010

LMAO Linley, thanks for a hillarious column. I vote we should make the sign say "Prenderghastly" as per the photoshop suggestion I saw on Stuff earlier.

Jim Cable   #1   08:53 am Mar 16 2010

Linley Boniface is a national literary treasure. Her clarity and substance of viewpoint, deftness of expression and sheer perfection of prose should be readily absorbable by even the most clouded of vacuous mindsets responsible for this heinous and hideous idea.

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