The Secret Diary of Prime Minister John Key, aged 47⅓

POLITICS RINGSIDE - BOB JONES

Last updated 08:55 05/12/2008

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THURSDAY
Helen C. phoned – v. helpful re Apec - said avoid Somare - only demand money - wrote it down in case forget - H. said should have made English foreign minister - can't plot leadership coup when always abroad - said worked with Winston - never here to cause trouble - what about last 3 months, I asked - shocked H's bad language when mentioned this.

FRIDAY
Flew to LA - bloody Air NZ - camp steward earbashed me - no sleep - got to Lima - motorcade with sirens ruined by Murray - had arranged meeting with Somare but not Bush, like I told him.

SATURDAY
Somare came to suite - hid in cupboard - Murray told him I called away for crisis - stayed in room all day to dodge him - watched re-runs of I Love Lucy - quite good.

SUNDAY
Wore orange tie - gave brilliant speech - Murray hammered Espiner re TV coverage. Group photo - tried to stand next to Bush - bloody photographer put me next to Somare - asked for money - told him foreign aid under review, like H. said.

MONDAY
Must buy Murray atlas - wanted to go to Cuzco - said no as can't speak Peruvian - Murray talked nonsense - thinks we're in Spain. Need Cabinet reshuffle - shift Murray to Arts Ministry and avoid embarrassment.

TUESDAY
Flew to London - wore green striped tie - bloody Air NZ - camp steward tried to tuck me in when went to bed - cockup by high commission - no motorcade - poor show - went shopping - bought 2 ties - one blue stripes, another blue & white check - Murray bought complete set of Jeffrey Archer - good to have literary types in Cabinet, raises tone.

WEDNESDAY
Met Queen & Duke - wore dotted green tie - cup of tea, no lunch - think they might be ga-ga - couldn't understand anything I said - Queen asked about weather in NZ - Duke said bloody hell, stood up and meeting ended. V. odd.

THURSDAY
Went to Downing Street - wore grey silk tie - chap called Nigel gave me tea - insisted on stirring my sugar - extremely interested in my views - ended up no time for Gordon - just photographs - Gordon bared teeth at me - v. scary - Murray nicked teaspoon - wouldn't have minded one myself.

Murray threatened Espiner - no more trips if visit to Gordon not lead on TV news - terrible dinner at high commission - pity Jonathan not still there for decent banquet.

FRIDAY
Met All Blacks at rugby ball thing - Queen came - asked about weather in NZ again - lunatic called Borat Johnson there - Murray said he's London mayor but I suspect leg-pull.

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SATURDAY
Flew home - bloody Air NZ - camp steward asked if needed help when I went to toilet - wanted to go Air Singapore for pretty hostesses, Murray said bad look - can't trust Espiner - Murray finished whole Jeffrey Archer - need more intellectuals in Cabinet like him - read a book once, now too busy.

MONDAY
Cabinet meeting - wore tartan tie - bloody English wasted hour on financial crisis - showed firm leadership - what can we do about it, I said - turned discussion to serious matter - winning next election.

Murray said must keep Maori Party on side to win next time. Brilliant idea from Paula - free breakfast in bed for Maoris - also solve looming unemployment problem with breakfast makers and deliverers. Maori Party now in bag for sure.

Finlayson v. helpful. Said face value assessment almost certainly a Treaty obligation. Bloody English moaned about cost - complained about Maoris in remote places - said would sprout whole new grievance industry if don't get free breakfast in bed too.

Gerry to the rescue - said we'd pay compensation - more grizzling about cost from bloody English - showed firm leadership - said that's why he thrashed in 2002 - no vision.

Firm leadership worked - English came to office later - v. humble - got me to sign painting for Gore charity auction - went to bed happy now English sorted.

- The Dominion Post

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