The secret diary of . . . Duncan Garner
O crystal ball! O glowing orb that contains ghostly, half-seen portents, and various innuendos about things that may or may not have any truth to them.
What have you got to say, for example, just off the top of my head, about Labour leader David Shearer losing his job in a political coup?
Show me the future, O good source.
The future is another country. They do things differently there. Such as? It's hard to tell. O crystal ball! With your glass and your mist, sometimes I think you're all smoke and mirrors.
I stroke thy surface.
I shake thee.
I throw thou on the floor!
O pack of Tarot cards! O weird pictures of hangmen, magicians, towers, chariots, swords, cups, saucers, plates, cakes, sausages, chips, corn fritters and the like.
Tell me what you make of what's going to happen to Labour leader David Shearer.
Personally I think he's going to lose his job in a political coup.
How about you? Got a comment?
Aha! The card of the Burnt Toast.
Zounds! And now the card of the Gone Burger.
But what card is this? What can it mean? What message, what hint, what prophecy?
The card of TV3 news and current affairs boss Mark Jennings, and a handwritten note which reads, "FFS".
O tea leaves at the bottom of my cup! O cured leaves of the tea plant Camellia sinensis which foretell events such as Labour leader David Shearer losing his job in a political coup.
Drain the remaining liquid.
Shake the cup.
Study the pattern of the leaves.
Light up the bong left behind on my 3rd Degree experiments with synthetic cannabis.
The leaves form a letter. It reads, "Dear Duncan. Coup on in Labour. Letter of no confidence being circulated. It's over for Shearer. Watch for his resignation. Well, that's all for now. Take care. Give my best to Guyon. PS . . ."
There are no more leaves. What was the PS? Quickly put on the jug. Drain. Yow! Mistake to drink from boiling kettle. Consider first-aid, light bong instead. All good. Make the tea. Milk, no sugar. Stir. Spin out. So stoned! Zounds! Feel afraid, very afraid. It's dark! So dark! But only because I've put my head inside my jersey. Take it out. Breathe. Drink the cup. Shake it. Study the pattern of the leaves.
It reads, "PS. Stick it to Shearer. He's a bum! Love, Duncan."
So glad I made that second cup. Always good to check your facts. OK! Must tell everyone the news about the coup.
O egg! It's all over my face. Never mind. It's good with sausages, chips, and corn fritters. Yum!
O well. Not a great week. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained. There's always next week. Who knows what's around the corner? Only time will tell.
Time, and horoscopes.
Shearer's a Leo. Here's what it says in astrologer Jonathan Cainer's zodiac forecast for the rest of this month: "Don't fall for that old trick of telling yourself you have no time left. Your deadline is more flexible than you think. Take all the time you want, and more. The slower you go, the more you'll get right in July."
It can only mean one thing.
It's over for Shearer. Coup on in Labour!
Steve Braunias is a staff writer at Metro magazine.
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