Would a 50,000-volt Taser help, Mr Speaker?

OPINION: It never hurts to ingratiate oneself with the Speaker, so Opposition leader Phil Goff began yesterday's parliamentary question time by congratulating Lockwood Smith on his success at an agricultural show.

The effect was rather spoiled when Maurice Williamson asked, "What category was he entered in?"

Prime Minister John Key added his congratulations for Dr Smith's winning Belgian Blue cattle, saying: "Blue things always do well!"

And that was about as nice as it got for the Speaker for, within minutes, Mr Key was pretending not to hear Dr Smith telling him to sit down and shut up – a pretence facilitated by turning his body away from the throne so he could claim not to have noticed the Speaker on his feet.

Labour's Trevor Mallard was having one of his prissy days, and rose to complain that Mr Key was always turning his back on the Speaker. "It's getting worse, and some of us here find it quite offensive," he sniffed.

This brought general laughter, as Mr Mallard, a net causer of offence rather than a taker of it, has never been known for his tender sensibilities. But in lieu of a question with which to torment the education minister, Mr Mallard decided to entertain the thought of his being the guardian of manners and standards in the House, and made a series of offended points of order against the Government. It was ostentatiously unrepentant.

Finance Minister Bill English, for instance, digressed from a treatise about how well the economy was doing to boast that he and Mr Key addressed "a packed" audience at the Invercargill Working Men's Club of 200 people, while Labour's David Cunliffe drew only eight people to the club, and only three people came to hear Mr Goff speak in Rotorua. Labour whip Steve Chadwick tried to table some information on Mr Goff's trip to Rotorua, but Dr Smith didn't know what she was on about, and then Mr Mallard got offended again, and Mr Cunliffe complained about something else – leaving Mr Key and Mr English smirking happily. It was that sort of day.

Not taking things so lightly, however, was Tim Groser, answering a question on behalf of Research, Science and Technology Minister Wayne Mapp. Always an intense sort of performer in the House, Mr Groser could be seen furiously practising his answers in advance, lunging over his notes, mouthing the words to himself and gesturing away to an invisible audience. He was a bit of a thespian in his youth.

But even this level of intensity was exceeded by his questioner, ACT's John Boscawen, who was stalking his latest conspiracy theory, about why Niwa has yet to release its raw climate change data and schedule of adjustments. A climate-change doubter, he is convinced officials are hiding something, and asked his questions with a righteous, Torquemada tremor.

Mr Groser responded – executing his practised flourishes, especially the pinched finger and thumb to illustrate the phrase "minute detail" – but the more he told Mr Boscawen the data would be reviewed and released, the more agitated Mr Boscawen became. Performance art is wasted on some folk.

Not when it comes from Judith "Crusher" Collins, though. Questioned about police use of Tasers, the steely police minister flexed her famously arched brows with an especial relish as she reported that "the prospect of getting a 50,000-volt electric shock has been enough to bring volatile situations quickly under control".

Actually, the shock of seeing Mrs Collins talking about Tasering would be enough to scare most criminals, and the requirement for police to play a phone video of her to miscreants might usefully be added to the protocol for Taser use, making the actual zapping redundant.

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