Joe Bennett
Fight night in Courtenay Place

By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: The wind scythed around corners and went for the marrow. Yet the pavements were thick with girls wearing little, girls dressed for sex.
The art of sucking people in

By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: No, no, no, no, exclaimed the secretary of state for the tiny Pacific island of Columnia, "of course our president didn't write those lines himself. He's a president, not a comedian. The lines were supplied by the scriptwriters at TVNZ.
Gloved fairytale

By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: Michael Jackson is now dancing with God. (If you don't like that fairytale, pick your own.)
Judge Joe lays down the law
By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: The young men trooped into the dock. They hung their heads. Their chins rested against their properly knotted school ties. Their shoulders, encased in blazers, slumped.
Lots to work on, admits Kiri
By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: All Blacks anthem coach Dame Kiri Te Kanawa has acknowledged that the team failed to learn the lessons from the first test against the Springboks.

Papa Joe's words of wisdom

By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: My parents passed on no wisdom. I don't know how they resisted the urge.
On the frontlines with G Force

By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: Dawn. The commander stood in silence on the plain. It was bone-snapping cold.
How to cook up a good scoop

By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: Entertainment in a trillion shoddy forms buzzes around us at all times, seeking entry by any orifice.
Well coach, I must be sick
The Dominion Post
OPINION: Joe Bennett investigates the golden road to holistic health.
The world's your lobster
By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: I'm not going to attend the G20 summit in London. I simply can't be bothered.

Making sense of modern rugby
By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: Things change, and it is the duty of crusty old men to bemoan change.
Struck wordless by futility
By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: Sunday afternoon, when time drags like a wet mattress. What better to shift the mattress, to kill the time, than Scrabble?
No place for the squeamish
By JOE BENNETT - The Dominion Post
OPINION: There may well be protocols to eating in China. I never discovered them. As far as I could tell, the only rule was to get stuck in.
The trouble with being clever
By JOE BENNETT
The Dominion Post
OPINION: Did you see the clever child? Oh it was awful. He was so precocious and so very unwisely happy. But let me begin at the beginning.
Diary of an articulate boy racer
By JOE BENNETT
The Dominion Post
OPINION: WAKE at 10. Fetching coffee and the paper, I reflect on last night. Wonder whether our burnouts will have made the front page.

The other inauguration speech
By JOE BENNETT
The Dominion Post
Know this, America. We have nothing to fear but getting carried away with sonorous oratory.
Universal language of a crash
By JOE BENNETT
The Dominion Post
OPINION: There are few things more agreeable than the noise of two cars crashing. The graunching of metal sounds so emphatic and expensive. More agreeable still is the promise that comes with the noise - the promise of drivers shouting at each other.
Too late, John - I've already got bin Laden
By JOE BENNETT
The Press
I'll get Osama bin Laden, said John McCain, candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, "if I have to go to the gates of hell". The crowd roared with delight.
A tick for the statistical record
By JOE BENNETT
The Dominion Post
Some car insurance companies offer lower premiums to women. Insurance companies are not fools. They've looked at the stats and concluded that women drive more safely than men. So when I slid into the front seat of a small grey car in central Auckland last Friday, I was delighted to discover not only that my driver was a woman, but also that there were two more women in the back seat. This would be a very safe journey.
A simple 'fanks' is all we ask
The Dominion Post
"We're stoked to have got him," said the vice- chancellor of Wellington University, "and our Androgyny Department is especially thrilled. Half the universities in the world were after him. You saw what happened when he came here recently to play football: our target market just fell about in adoration. He's a natural communicator. The university council was unanimous in its decision to offer him the chancellorship in perpetuity. He accepted by satellite link from his private jet, and he did so with a humble simplicity which we think bodes rather well. 'Fanks,' he said.

Nice Kiwi blokes - shame about the women
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Mother of separated twins: 'We don't want them back'
Kiwi Kevin Percy claims Harry Potter castle
Women pay top dollar for evening with bachelor
Nice Kiwi blokes - shame about the women
Rokocoko to play against All Blacks
As Henry shows, footballers can't be trusted
$450,000 march is political manipulation