A simple 'fanks' is all we ask

"We're stoked to have got him," said the vice- chancellor of Wellington University, "and our Androgyny Department is especially thrilled. Half the universities in the world were after him. You saw what happened when he came here recently to play football: our target market just fell about in adoration. He's a natural communicator. The university council was unanimous in its decision to offer him the chancellorship in perpetuity. He accepted by satellite link from his private jet, and he did so with a humble simplicity which we think bodes rather well. 'Fanks,' he said.

"Naturally we will continue to offer traditional academic disciplines such as tourism, aromatherapy and real estate, but following his appointment we have established exciting new subject areas and they are proving popular. Our degree courses in brand awareness and male cosmetics are already oversubscribed and we're having to build a new block to house Tattoo Studies."

"Don't be absurd," said the resident conductor of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, "of course he won't be required to play. He won't even be required to hold an instrument. But having him sit in the first violin's chair is going to bring a whole new audience to classical music. I gather that his wife is a singer, but it's him we want. He is music in football shorts. He's a visual concerto. And boy, has he pulled in the sponsors! Gillette just couldn't wait to get in behind our Beethoven series. Music to Shave To, it's called. At the climax of the Eroica, he's going to take his shirt off."

"The Security Council didn't hesitate for a moment," said Ding Dong, chairman of the UN. "Professional sport, you see, is the most effective narcotic in the peacemaker's armoury. By mimicking warfare, it acts as a channel for testosterone overflow. And it appeals most strongly to our problem demographic, which is males in their 20s. To put things as simply as I can, if they're watching a football match they're not blowing things up. So appointing him as UN Special Envoy to the Middle East seemed as obvious to us as charging dinner to an expense account. And we were delighted by his immediate acceptance. 'Fanks,' he said."

"Their former royal highnesses," said a palace spokesman, "accepted their demotion with the good grace that has been the hallmark of their tenure. They understood that it is always better to precipitate change than to wait till change is forced upon one. Of course, the new regime has meant a significant adjustment to palace protocol, but one has actually found it quite refreshing. The newly appointed Royal Corps of Hairdressers, in particular, have brought a degree of hilarity to the inner sanctum. Admittedly, it is tiresome having the Mall lined day and night with fainting pre-pubescent girls but the Household Cavalry has quickly acquired some expertise in resuscitation techniques."

"There was no power struggle, as you put it," said a Vatican spokesman. "Pope Benedict volunteered to stand down. And the effect is already apparent. Angelic, telegenic and incontrovertibly heterosexual, our new reverend father ticks all the boxes. We've never had so many applications from would-be nuns. But it's in South America, our traditional economic base, where he is working his most powerful miracles. They worship football down there, and now that they've got a pope with an educated right boot, they're cramming the pews and, more importantly, the coffers."

"To be frank, I neither understand nor appreciate the sceptical tone of your question, and I would advise you to be a little more polite," said a life form representing the Extra Terrestrial Colonisation Society. "When we studied Earth, this specimen simply stood out. It was clear that he spoke to his fellow creatures in a pre-verbal fashion. You've still got both feet in the swamp. So when confronted by an archetype of adolescent beauty who is also an athletic warrior king, you go gaga. Furthermore, this particular specimen and his mate embody the doomed consumptive habits of your prevailing cultural system, so we had no hesitation in selecting him. When, quite soon, we decide to beam down and take control we shall immediately install him as the first Emperor of Planet Earth. He'll be no more than a puppet, of course, and he will not be required to make speeches, but he'll serve our needs nicely."

Citing a hectic academic, artistic, diplomatic, royal, religious and intergalactic schedule, David Beckham declined to comment on any of his appointments, but he expressed his gratitude for the good wishes. "Fanks," he said.

- © Fairfax NZ News