Making sense of modern rugby

BY JOE BENNETT

OPINION: Things change, and it is the duty of crusty old men to bemoan change.

Take rugby. I used to play rugby and I understood the rules. The main rule was to avoid fights, large opponents and, as far as possible, the ball.

The older I got the better I became at obeying this rule and I found rugby an increasingly pleasant way to pass a Saturday afternoon.

And it led to an even more pleasant Saturday evening that had a habit of stretching into Sunday.

Last weekend I watched a Super 14 game on television, thereby doubling the ratings. I found that I no longer understood the sport.

I didn't understand why it was called super, I didn't understand why the referee kept shouting and I didn't understand the rules. Nor, it seemed, did the players, which is perhaps why the referee kept shouting.

But I did understand why there were so few people on the terraces. It was because the game consisted mainly of penalties and scrums.

Scrums have changed. The modern scrum requires the ref to act like the caller at a barn dance. "Crouch and touch, nicely now, and pause and oh dear we seem to have fallen over. Let's try that again, shall we?"

At one point, the ref summoned the captains like a headmaster calling schoolboys to his study, and insisted that, come what may and in despite of the players' efforts to thwart him, he was going to "free this game up".

He did this by banishing players from the field for dastardly crimes such as neglecting to roll or not going through an imaginary gate, crimes that neither I nor they understood.

If he'd persisted and reduced each team to three players he might have freed the game up. But he didn't. When I awoke there was motor racing on the television. It seemed almost interesting.

Nevertheless, I'm delighted to say that though the rules of rugby have changed to an extent that has rendered the national game almost unrecognisable, some things have remained as fixed as the stars in the sky. And one of those things is the commentary.

So, with a nod of acknowledgement to Irish writer Flann O'Brien who invented this device, here's a little catechism of cliche to test your grasp of the commentator's ageless art.

What meteorological phenomenon has the habit of accompanying an injury?

A cloud.

In relation to an injury cloud, where is the player invariably situated?

Under it.

If two players have a minor altercation, in which two verbs are they said to indulge?

Push and shove

A lot of push and shove?

No, a bit of push and shove.

What is the difference between push and shove?

Next question please.

If the bit of push and shove rises in intensity but still falls short of the sort of uninhibited fist fight that would bring the crowds back to rugby, what female fashion accessories are the players remarkably and inexplicably said to make use of?

Handbags.

If, as a result of push, shove or handbags, there occurs a breach of the skin in one or other of the combatants, to what quaintly old fashioned oenological product is the consequent exudation of bodily fluid compared?

Can you repeat that?

No

Claret.

Well done. From which region of France does claret come?

I thought this quiz was about rugby.

Very well, but give yourself a mark for Bordeaux. If a player inadvertently loses the ball when pressured by opponents, what expectorant function is he said to employ?

He coughs the ball.

May he cough the ball in the direction of his choice?

No. Only up.

What undefined but visually disabling artefact is a prominent player said to be having?

A blinder.

And if a player displays an exceptional propensity for swift movement, of what insignificant body part is he said to display an impressive quantity?

Toe.

Could this perhaps be tow?

It would make as much sense.

What ruse of gambling is used to describe the suddenly increased efforts of a team?

The ante.

Does the team raise the ante?

No, it ups it.

In what way can the raising of stakes prior to receiving cards in a game of poker be considered comparable to the increased efforts of a team to win a rugby game?

Search me.

To what outmoded domestic implement is the centre of a player's body compared?

The bread basket.

In what direction can you not put with any more of this?

Up.

Good.

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