Well coach, I must be sick

OPINION: "O Holistic Wellness Coach," I said, "may I ask you some questions?"

"Of course," said the Holistic Wellness Coach in his deep Canadian voice. "But let's drop the formality. Call me Holy Co, my friend. Now how can I help?"

"O Holy Co, for reasons that need not concern us, a Canadian friend has just sent me your book about how to achieve holistic wellness."

"And how did you find it?"

"I just looked in the mailbox," I said. "And because I have never read anything from the Mind, Body and Spirit section of a bookshop before, I fair sprinted to my study and opened your book with fingers a-tremble and became so engrossed that I ingested every word of the introduction before running to the bathroom."

"My son," purred Holy Co, "you have started down the golden road to holistic health. Soon you will radiate wellness and, when people ask you the secret, you will recommend my book to them. You shall become well in mind, body and spirit. And I shall become rich. So how can I help?"

"Well, Holy Co, you say that certain 'progressive health and lifestyle practices' such as veganism and 'new definitions of personal spirituality through global integrative approaches to faith' were 'greeted with derision' only a couple of decades ago."

"Yes, sadly, they were."

"And they still are, Holy Co. By me. I'm a greeter-with- derision. I'm so sorry. Is there any hope of my ever being well?"

"It won't be easy," said Holy Co, and I could hear the sadness in his voice. "You will have to go on a long journey."

"I've already started, Holy Co," I exclaimed. "From your introduction I have learned that the first step to holistic wellness 'is to ensure our health of mind, as it is our mind that mediates our physical activity and helps to frame our spiritual life'."

"Very good."

"Yes, but can you please clarify what you mean when you say that the mind mediates physical activity? Do you just mean that, in order, say, to raise two fingers to a wellness coach, I first have to decide to do it? I know I'm slow, but I do like to get things straight so we both know what we're talking about.

"And while you're at it, can you please explain exactly how my mind 'helps to frame' my spiritual life? I don't think I've got a spiritual life, framed or unframed, but I want one. And if the mind only helps in the framing process, what else is involved? What additional framer do I need in order to get my spiritual framing done?

"I desperately need to know because in the same paragraph you explain that the spiritual life, 'ultimately shapes the overall health of our entire being'.

"I'm impressed, of course, by the use of ultimately, overall and entire in the one clause, three absolute terms that underline the primacy of the spiritual life, but I still haven't got things quite clear.

"You see, if the mind, along with one or more other unspecified framing agencies, frames the spiritual life, how does the spiritual life then turn the tables and start shaping the health of our entire being, which, as you repeatedly stress, is an amalgam of mind, body and spirit?

"In other words, how does a thing that's been partially framed by a second thing then turn around and shape the health of the second thing, and of itself, and of a third thing which, as I'm sure I don't need to remind you, is mediated by the second thing? Do I make myself clear?"

"My poor benighted son."

"Hold it one moment, Holy Co," I said, "I'm almost done. Then you can put everything straight in one go. Can you please explain how it is that I, who have the spiritual life of a plastic bag, and whose mind runs on a high octane fuel of rage and scorn at the scams that are practised on the gullible by the manipulative, all of which ought to mean, according to you, that I am sick as a dog, am practically always well? (And so is my dog.)

"For in 30-something years of work I have had only a dozen days off - two for broken bones, three for tonsillitis, one for bee stings, and the rest sickies thrown because reprobate mates turned up unexpectedly with a wish to go on a bender.

"And finally can you explain why, if you are so concerned about my wellbeing, and if, as you insist, selfless generosity is essential to wellness of mind, body and spirit, you don't sell your book to the unwell masses for exactly what it's worth, which is nothing?"

"Sorry," said Holy Co. "Got to get to the bank."

- © Fairfax NZ News