Lots to work on, admits Kiri

BY JOE BENNETT

OPINION: All Blacks anthem coach Dame Kiri Te Kanawa has acknowledged that the team failed to learn the lessons from the first test against the Springboks.

"As everyone knows," she said after the second test defeat, "in Africa you've got to stuff it right up them in the opening bars or you're in trouble. And we simply failed in the basics again. That Maori stuff at the beginning doesn't help.

"All credit to the Boks," she continued, "but we're in a transition phase and I think some of our boys just tighten up on the big occasion. I've seen Andrew Hore bashing out Down In Alabama in the Eltham clubrooms like it was the Albert Hall. But stick him in front of 50,000 drunken Boers lobbing krautwurst and his larynx just seems to freeze.

"All we can do in the end is flush the dunny and move on," she said. "There's a lot to work on before the Wallabies test."

The All Blacks will gather in Christchurch at the weekend. "I've asked Dame Malvina to come and do some work with the tight five," said Dame Kiri.

OBAMA TO OPEN PUB

After inviting a white policeman and a black professor in for a beer, President Obama has decided to open a pub. "It's astonishing to think," he said, "that we managed to put an end to 200 years of racial bigotry with just a couple of bags of pretzels and a slab of Budweiser.

"Now I'm going to invite that Kim guy from North Korea. He loves a drink. I reckon that by halfway down the second bottle of Jim Beam he'll be handing over the nukes."

The president admitted that the Middle East might prove a tougher diplomatic nut to crack. "The Israelis stick it away like there's no tomorrow, so they're no problem, but those Muslim guys, well, officially they don't touch the stuff. Mind you, officially they don't lend money for interest, either, and there's no shortage of Islamic banks. So we may have to decant the Johnny Walker into a date-juice bottle, but if we can just somehow get them all grinning like chimps and saying how much they love each other, we could guarantee cheap oil for a generation.

"By the way, anyone know what Chinese Treasury officials like? I thought it was that lethal sake stuff, but one of my advisers tells me that's Japan."

ANDERSON VISIT A SHOT IN THE ARM

Prime Minister John Key said the visit of Pamela Anderson to New Zealand for Fashion Week was just what the tourism industry had been looking for.

"She's been on television a lot and she's got enormous fake breasts. That should be enough to get her on to prime-time news bulletins the length and breadth of the civilised world and encourage millions of morons to come to New Zealand."

Mr Key added that he was hoping Ms Anderson would agree to pose by the new national cycleway. "I wonder whether she'd be willing to lie down and have a bicycle parked between her breasts."

SUNBED CANCER UNFORESEEABLE: DERMATOLOGISTS

Skin experts have lashed out at critics who say they failed to warn consumers about the dangers of sunbeds.

"The carcinogenic effect of tanning beds has taken us completely by surprise," said a leading dermatologist. "Yes, we've been warning people about the sun for years. But how were we to know that a device designed to mimic the Sun's action from a distance of two feet would also be a threat to health? It never crossed our minds."

"I feel let down by the scientific community," said a sunbed user who did not wish to be identified. "On the advice of weather forecasters I haven't stepped outside the house for five summers. When I bought a sunbed I thought that the use of the word sun was just an unfortunate coincidence. And now this. Who do I sue?"

Meanwhile, a sunbed manufacturer has launched a range targeted at teens. "Teenagers love anything forbidden or dangerous," said the managing director. "We're hoping teen-beds will do for us what RTDs have done for the booze barons."

BANK SECRECY TO STAY

Swiss banks have resisted efforts to make them reveal the names and account details of depositors.

"It's not a question of being obstructive," said a spokesman for the industry. "It's just that most of our clients have got a lot to hide.

"They're either criminals, or ex-Nazis, or African dictators who have embezzled aid money, or just millionaires who hate paying tax. It would be horrible for them if we spilt the beans.

"They'd go to jail and we'd be out of business. Why can't people see it from our point of view?"

- © Fairfax NZ News