Judge Joe lays down the law

OPINION: The young men trooped into the dock. They hung their heads. Their chins rested against their properly knotted school ties. Their shoulders, encased in blazers, slumped. Their hands lay folded across their genitals. They stood in the manner of penitents throughout history. If they looked up at those who sat in judgment on them, they did so deferentially, as Princess Diana did when she wanted sympathy from the camera.

The principal judge felt the delicious thrill of power. It came with an even more delicious sense of moral authority. Whatever punishment he imposed upon these young men, he would lie straight in his bed that night, his conscience cleaner than his sheets.

"Boys," he said. It was a fine start. It re-established adult authority, the way things should be, the fit and proper way. The boys didn't stir. Just those pleading princess eyes. They knew their part. He his.

"Boys, you stand accused of fighting in a school rugby match. That is a serious charge.

"You also stand accused of fighting in front of two and a half thousand spectators. That is a more serious charge. Admittedly, many of those two and a half thousand were adults, fully formed moral creatures who had come along merely to enjoy the athletic spectacle, who knew it was only a game, who applauded excellence on either side, who harboured no partisan thoughts, who shouted no abuse at the ref, who did not urge the players to get stuck in, and who had categorically not been drinking. But others among the crowd were innocent children. Who knows what damage you may have wrought upon their psyches?

"But that is far from the end of the indictment, boys. You stand accused of fighting in front of television cameras. It is an offence I can only describe as grievous. In consequence, you have shocked and appalled a nation of television-watchers, in slow mo, with highlighting techniques employed to make sure they didn't miss the best bits. You have caused newsreaders on all the major channels to employ a tone of voice suggesting they are shocked and appalled, and you have caused letters expressing shock and appalledness to rain down on every newspaper editor in the nation, this nation, your nation, the nation that has never enjoyed a bit of biffo or called for more mongrel or bemoaned the demise of rucking.

"But these charges, boys, are as nothing when set against the major charge. I do not bring this charge lightly. Nor do I take any pleasure from spelling it out, for it expresses an idea abhorrent to polite society. But I shall not shirk my duty. Boys, you stand accused of creating bad PR.

"Oh, well, may you hang your heads. In a world of appearances you have sullied an image. There are few greater crimes. You may protest your punches hurled at willing protagonists were as nothing compared with the bullying at schools every day.

* * *

But your argument is futile. Your punches were seen on television, and television is the nation's moral arbiter, so you have soiled the image of your schools. Some of you were lured to those schools by athletic scholarships. In other words, the school went to the trouble of poaching you in order that you should bolster its rugby team and do the school honour. And this is how you have thanked them.

"Boys, boys, boys, who have you not let down? Think of your headmaster, who celebrates your every victory and ignores, though they pain him, your losses. You have let him down. Think of your coach, who impresses upon you, with ferocious dressing-room speeches, the all-importance of winning. That coach has given abundantly of his time in the hope of securing a professional appointment. You have let him down. You have acted on the spirit of his words rather than the words themselves. Oh boys, when will you learn the ways of adulthood?

"Well, I shall tell you. You will learn them over the next 16 months, for which period I debar you from participating in the game of rugby football. While others chase the glory that could have been yours, you shall sit in darkened rooms playing video games put out by adult corporations whose share price reflects the commercial value of extreme violence. Perhaps then you will learn your lesson. Or perhaps you will learn it from your local cinema when you watch the latest gratuitous sadism from the much-admired Mr Tarantino. Or perhaps you will learn it simply from everyday television, with its murder mysteries, its reality shows that thrive on humiliation of those least suited to endure humiliation, and the two-faced titillation of the evening news.

"But learn that lesson you must, boys, for without hypocrisy you are unfit to take your place in adult society."

- © Fairfax NZ News

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The Queen   #10   08:50 am Aug 28 2009

Arise most excellent Bard.

Classic   #9   11:38 pm Aug 27 2009

As always a interesting and funny jab at a current news topic. Thanks for the laughs Joe and a big thanks to field marshal for making me laugh even more!

field marshal   #8   12:45 pm Aug 27 2009

luke#6 You should be more concerned with graffetti ,get out somemore,open your eyes and see where 47% more government effort has gone. You dont like my comments, well where has all the effort gone-WHERE-i cannot see where it is -nothing has changed around my area in nine whole years, unless of coarse we are talking crime,drugs (oops "self medication " some abstract pious HEALTH dept has decreed- lets encourage them!) and what about all the shop fronts in suburbia -roller doors ect.But the latte chain coffee shops are so meaningful in our new-new zealand-at least we look good talking about SERIOUS things as - equal rights to a very sick joke - but hey -thats socialism now.

field marshal   #7   11:24 am Aug 27 2009

really mary, coerchen of the general population into civil obedience- is one of the most SERIOUS affairs of state. Go ask any number of commissioned millitary officers-hell,not even those stationed in AFGANISTAN. Road rules ,the public library system,puplic and private (ownership) institutions are only very basic civil forms.Can you possibly imagine the uproar if the police or millitary divided all their units up and hid them away from public scrutiny- such as health and education do -the more detached and particular they become from general arguments, the more they justify their exsistence-look at the level of debate in parliment-crudely simplistic on almost any topic -civility is dumbed down to law and order,work and reward has been hijacked by "equality" and the pathetic "social responsibility". Governments are not there just to agree but there to maintain the nation state .As the primeminister has stated -this is not as good as it gets. But it will be for the forseeable future -the ignorant will continue to appease the uncivil.

Luke   #6   10:50 am Aug 27 2009

Joe, another enjoyable read, keep it up :)

(am surprised that 'field marshal #3's comment managed to sneak through, didn't figure stuff to publish such comments with such heavy abuse of the caps lock key, my eyes are still recovering)

Nosmo King   #5   12:07 am Aug 27 2009

@ Field Marshal - Do you mean cook a hearty meal for them, or cook them to be eaten as a hearty meal?

mary   #4   03:51 pm Aug 26 2009

Lol @ Field Marshal.

You have got to be trolling. I see those trolly arms waving around there, mixing things up.

As to the column, excellent as always! I look forward to next week.

field marshal   #3   12:02 pm Aug 26 2009

Without youthful excuberance we would eventually have no evening news,of any sort.The sooner socialists sort out the individuals inparticular-rapists,wife beaters ,molesters and killers the better. Until then they should leave the public in general alone.Socialists of any persuasion have appeased the uncivil amongst us for almost half a century-nearly three generations and have arrived at a destination where the culture of blame has become a common standard of expression. GO HAVE A LOOK AT THE CRIME RATE IN YOUR LOCAL POLICE AREA COMMAND BEFORE THE POWER SUB-STATION WAS TURNED ON -THEN ASK TO SEE "THE POLICE CRISIS PROCEDURE MANUAL" IF THE SUB-STATION WAS BROKEN . THE LEVEL OF IGNORANCE AMONGST THE CIVILIAN POPULATION IS INEXCUSABLE-NINE YEARS OF LABOR AND A 47% INCREASE IN PUBLIC SERVANTS HAS ACHIEVED NOTHING. THE ARMY SHOULD MARCH ALL POLITICIANS, ON THE FIRST DAWN OF A NEW GOVT, BEHIND PARLIMENT BEEHIVE -AND COOK THEM A HEARTY BREAKFAST-THE MESSAGE WOULD SINK IN.

Mars   #2   11:49 am Aug 26 2009

Always a pleasure Joe

Mark Randall   #1   09:37 am Aug 26 2009

Joe, thank you.

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