It's been a secret for years, but I now feel free to confess to my passionate, tempestuous and altogether fantastic affair with John Lennon.
OPINION: The dead Beatle was alive at the time.
John was a fantastic lover, and our ecstasies were ecstatic. "Oh Rosemary," he would say. "If only I could break away from Yoko, but she has this fiendish hold on me." And we all know how that ended up.
If he were alive, John would tell you I was the most fascinating woman in the world at that time, but he's dead, so I have to do it for him. Passionate was our passion, let me tell you, and lovely was our love. Unfortunately I long ago lost the manuscript of a song he wrote for me. "Oh Rosemary," it went, "My love will turn you on."
There was a break-in at my house, a small Oriental figure was seen running in the shadows, and the rest is history.
I'm prompted to make this modest and irrefutable confession by the similarly modest and irrefutable confession of gay porn star Cal Culver, whose claim of having a passionate affair with Christopher Reeve - of Superman movie fame - has just surfaced. Reeve died six years ago, and Culver way back in 1987. But before he breathed his last, he whispered his triumph to a note- taker, it was reported this week.
"Christopher was a great lover and I think I liberated him sexually," Culver whispered faintly - or so I like to think - tearing the oxygen mask from his face to make his final peace with the media. "I didn't think he was gay but he seemed willing to try anything once. He was curious."
And then I expect he expired with a soft sigh under his Superman duvet, clutching a Superman doll, while wearing his Superman pyjamas and smiling.
I'd always suspected Batman and Robin. As anyone knows who watched their early TV series, they even shared a bed, and the obvious age gap cast Batman in a rather predatory light. But in fact there were concerns over the gayness of Superman way back in the 1940s when he was first created.
Archives of DC Comics became public a few years back when the descendants of Superman's creator, Jerry Siegel, sued the company. One DC executive reckoned the artwork made Superman look gay - or as they put it then: "Lah-de-dah" with a "nice fat bottom". I say he had issues.
Co-creator and artist Joe Shuster was told to tone down the way he drew Superman's girlfriend, Lois Lane, too, because she looked "unpleasantly sexy".
"Why it is necessary to shade Lois's breasts and the underside of her tummy with vertical lines we can't understand," wrote another DC editor. "She looks pregnant. [-] suggests that you arrange for her to have an abortion or the baby and get it over with so that her figure can return to something a little more like the tasty dish she is meant to be."
If Lois didn't turn anorexic after that, she's a tough girl.
Superman is a serious subject. Some of the fans see him as a kind of Christ figure, and others as a gay icon. I just look on him as an ultimate force for good in the world.
More recently comics have made him angst-ridden, depressive and conflicted, as befits an American hero from the psychotherapy era, and I lost interest. The day Superman joins Men Against Violence will be a sad one for mankind.
Too many quips have been made about his tights from jealous folks, so I won't go there. But I will say this: if his one and only girlfriend was forced to have an abortion way back in the 1940s, and then go on a crash diet; if the bosses were mean about his buttocks and thought he was too posh for comfort after all those heroic feats; it's no wonder he turned to the dark side and found comfort where he could. Yes, even in a Culver(t).
- The Dominion Post