Financial worries a passion killer

Fairfax Media

Sexual hardship: Money cravings can sabotage one's sex life but ntsGtheynte can be overcome. Financial advisers are sometimes obliged to give pointed advice to prevent monetary stress from exacting too high a price in the bedroom.

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Money-stretched Kiwis are feeling the stress in the bedroom, according to a barometric survey. Amanda Morrall looks for the financial Viagra.

'Not tonight, honey, there's no money." Headaches used to be the most common excuse for getting out of sex. Now dwindling bank account balances and lacklustre super funds appear to be the more likely cause of deflated libidos.

A first-of-a-kind stress index gauging the mood of the nation found that money worries took top spot for issues of concerns, outranking even the potential demise of the planet.

Perceptive, the research outfit behind the survey, reported that Generation Xers are among the most highly stressed-out, with 35 to 44-year-olds suffering most sexual hardship.

Across the board, the inability to save, spending power and retirement security weighed heaviest on the minds of Kiwis. Among men, 25 per cent said stress from money shortages was the main source of arguments.

Blame it on the recession but sex therapist Robyn Salisbury says financial strife can be a year-round concern for many couples and a potent passion killer.

"If we look at lack of sexual desire or someone's withdrawal from sex, money is frequently one of the issues," reveals Ms Salisbury, director of Sex Therapy New Zealand. She says it stands to reason that financial uncertainty and money shortages can sabotage one's sex life, particularly when there are dependants involved.

"There is a set amount of energy that any of us have in the day and if it all goes into worrying about how you're going to feed the kids, or those kinds of horrors, you're unlikely to feel like having sex."

Financial adviser Chris Wasley, of Christchurch, says he was surprised to hear monetary woes were exacting such a high price in the bedroom. But with 20 years of helping put right people's financial disasters, Mr Wasley confirms money can be a marriage wrecker.

He says financial advisers are often unwitting counsellors to couples with conflicting ideas and practices related to money. "Money causes a lot of problems in relationships and people often don't even know that it's money that is the source. Sometimes it is joint worries but a lot of the time we find that people don't realise they have different views on money."

Gender differences can play a role but they don't have to be destructive to one's relationship, says fund manager and financial agony aunt Janine Starks. Men, she says, tend to take more risks with money while women are generally more conservative. However, both can be equally sneaky, she adds. "Men will make big purchases without consultation. Women will remove tags from new clothes or cross out the price and forge their own 50 per cent sale price! It all adds up to the same thing – a preference to lie rather than consult, or justify, because your money values are different."

In his work with couples, Mr Wasley tries to get spouses to recognise their differences and find a way to overcome them. While couples with similar financial outlooks tend to track towards their goals much quicker, those with disparate views are not doomed.

"So often when we worked through the process of doing a financial plan for people, it's to accommodate the fact they do have different views and once they see each other has these different views, suddenly everything starts to come right in the relationship."

If the flow-over is in the bedroom, all the better, he says playfully.

Ms Starks agrees that opposing money personalities are not necessarily the kiss of marital death. The right combination of risk and conservatism can yield good financial outcomes, she believes. Effective managers of money will reap the rewards behind closed doors, she believes.

Her logic is that money makes people happy, and happy people tend to enjoy a more active sex life.

"At the risk of sounding utterly politically incorrect – money does make you happy. I'd credit it with wiping out half of all marriage problems and arguments," she says.

Her explanation is equal parts financial and bio-chemical.

"Money is a factor in happiness and happiness releases endorphins. The e-drug works wonders. It perks you up, makes you bounce, gives you confidence. You're suddenly 10 times better looking than you really are."

Ms Salisbury admits money can defuse a lot of marital tension but puts a healthy relationship down to good communication, above all.

"Having enough money doesn't fix relationship problems; not having enough certainly exacerbates them. It depends on couple's skills at being able to communicate that strain."

In therapy sessions, Ms Salisbury encourages couples to build up intimacy outside the bedroom through activities that do not require money. Nevertheless, when talk turns to money, Mr Wasley believes it is important to have a concrete plan in place. The she'll-be-right attitude is financial suicide. "So one of the things we do is sit down with people and help them to set their goals because that's often the problem, they actually don't set specific goals."

Ms Starks' advice is more pointed. She says couples who want to bulletproof their relationship need to provide full disclosure. "Never lie about money, never hide your credit card bills, never hide your savings and don't spend without consultation with each other. Treat your partner as an equal, regardless of any earnings differential, because you both need to have the same say over things."

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