Max Christoffersen: Sex and the Tron

Fieldays 2017 at Mystery Creek will attract thousands of visitors - and will be a boon to the local sex industry.
TOM LEE/FAIRFAX NZ

Fieldays 2017 at Mystery Creek will attract thousands of visitors - and will be a boon to the local sex industry.

OPINION: I'm the guy who failed Women's Bodies. I can prove it too.

Max Christoffersen – Women's Bodies – 'D'.

FAIL.

During Fieldays, Hamilton become's New Zealand's sex capital.
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During Fieldays, Hamilton become's New Zealand's sex capital.

The Women's Bodies D FAIL is on my academic transcript for University of Waikato courses. I was the only one with a 'D' FAIL in my class that year. And I am pretty embarrassed about it.

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My failing grade stings because I love women and I celebrate their differences every day.

So I am going public with my failing grade because I think I am not alone. I am simply confessing what many men won't: Where women's bodies are concerned, I don't have a clue.

Not one.

I'm not the columnist to suggest women should make tampons out of old sacks, socks or spare sandpaper.

No sirreeee that will get you an 'F' FAIL grade.

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At least I know that much.

My class tutor at the time of my Women's Bodies D FAIL was Professor Jane Ritchie. Her class was about 1980s post-modern feminism where all men were bastards and they should all be tied to trees and whipped into shape. I took exception to the sexist anti-male class teaching and told her so in 1500 words.

Professor Ritchie didn't seem to appreciate my erudite, insightful essay that said her class was based on sexist male stereotypes deserved an 'A+' PASS. No, it's there for life: Max Christoffersen – Women's Bodies – 'D'.

But come forward to today and I think I may be learning.

Because this column isn't about tertiary grading or my utter bumbling over women's academic political discourse of the 1980s.

It's about Fieldays and sex and the city.

At this time of year, those words go together like condoms and lube.

Yep, it's a sexy time to be in the Tron.

This year, like every year, in June it's Fieldays time, and that means locals and tourists alike are getting laid and getting paid and they have Fieldays to thank.

Alongside the business of Fieldays farming is the business of sex and, for this weekend and the days leading up to it, there is a lot of sex on offer in the Tron. Sex and Hamilton city has never been an easy fit. Hamiltonians often turn the other cheek to avoid talk about sex. It's almost a "no sex please, we're Hamiltonians" attitude that comes built-in to protect the town's family values.

But every year, Fieldays sex business is good business and it's because all these farmer types are coming into town for their once a year "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" turn at the Tron. Once a year, Hamilton becomes the sex capital of the country and business is so good more women are needed to keep the agriculture sector happy.

Now we all know how important that is to the country's wellbeing! Need a job? Apply now at your local brothel and do it for the country and the agriculture sector, just lie back and think of Fonterra! For this failed women's bodies student, it seems there is easy money to be made by providing some sex education for the farmers who need some assistance where women are concerned.

If Hamilton is New Zealand's sex capital this weekend, why don't we build on it and mix the Fieldays bachelor, rugby sevens, tertiary education and costume role play into one big sexy event! The mind boggles at the sexy possibilities of nuns in habits and farmers in stirrups, lecturers in lingerie or the Waikato Chiefs giving hands-on classes in safe sex tips for rugby players in the Super 18.

If you wanted to get kinky you could even build Fieldays inventions in a sexy-themed competition too! For years I wondered if anyone would ever have the balls to stage an erotica-type sex expo in Hamilton during Fieldays weekend. Something like California's Sexpalooza would make a killing in sex toys and condoms.

The curious cockies would come from far and wide to look at things they really wouldn't be caught doing in their cowshed after milking.

Some have tried to get a Hamilton sexpo established in the Tron. As recently as 2011 the idea was in front of council and it was Ewan Wilson, the former mile high flyer, who supported the venture. Everyone else in chambers said, no sex please, we're from Hamilton.

So it's Fieldays week and the sex business in the Tron needs to grow up and be appreciated. Maybe council could offer free car parking for sex workers or a pimp parade of hot cars down Victoria Street under a full parade of red lights with councillors greeting visitors to the Tron dressed in S&M and the mayor as Frank-N-Furter.

It seems to me that women and men of Hamilton could enjoy sex and it shouldn't take Fieldays to bring the sexy side of Hamilton or women's bodies into the red light.

So you see Professor Ritchie I've been learning. Can I resubmit?

 - Stuff

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