Gull's best Horowhenua customer has been told by the company's big cheese that malfunctioning technology at the Levin site was due to gnomes, elves, and marmite sandwiches.
The letter, addressed to "Big Chief, CEO, Managing Director, or Senior Office Worker" at Gull, refers to two electronic play-toys that the Levin retail outlet has "to entertain your loyal customers before oil is transferred into small and large motor vehicles".
Gull spokesperson Brenda Newth said the customer was referring to the payment terminal adjacent to the pump at Gull's unmanned Levin station.
The customer said extensive over-usage was likely to be the cause of the problem.
"The 'OK' button has had a brain-seizure for 2-4 weeks, and now needs an urgent transplant."
The customer had tried to ring Gull to alert them to the situation, but found "you [oil-diggers] were all busy out of office working like devils with your pile-drivers".
"A foreign speaking robot issued an inter-planetary welcome message but suddely had a fuse-failure. I hope it has recovered," he said.
Gull general manager Dave Bodger wrote back, complimenting the customer on his excellent letter.
Gull had gnomes that lived inside the machines and Gnome Charlie in the malfunctioning machine had been upset at being fed marmite sandwiches as he was gluten intolerant, he said.
"We have updated his diet to honey on rice wafers and evidently this will do the trick.
"This coupled with a transplant for the 'OK' button should enable you to continue purchasing our hydrocarbon compounds."
The issue with the answer phone was also addressed and apparently an elf was to blame.
"The Elf concerned (we use Elves for phones as their manners are better) has been counselled given an extra-large marmite sandwich and this is now hopefully fixed."
The Kapiti Coast's self-dubbed "most loyal big-user customer" was thanked by Bodger both for his entertaining letter and his continued custom.