No sex please, we're broke

"Not tonight honey, there's no money." Headaches used to be the most common excuse for getting out of sex, now dwindling bank account balances and lacklustre super funds appear to be the more likely cause of deflated libidos.

A first-of-a-kind stress-index gauging the mood of the nation, found that money worries woes took top spot for issues of concerns, outranking even the potential demise of the planet.

Perceptive, the research outfit behind the survey, reported that Generation Xers are among the most highly stressed-out, with 35 to 44-year-olds suffering sexual hardship more than others.

Across the board, the inability to save, spending power and retirement security weighed heaviest on the minds of Kiwis. Among men, 25 per cent said stress from money shortages was the main source of arguments.

Blame it on the recession but sex therapist Robyn Salisbury says financial strife can be a year-round concern for many couples and a potent passion killer.

"If we look at lack of sexual desire or someone's withdrawal from sex, money is frequently one of the issues," reveals Salisbury, director of Sex Therapy New Zealand.

Salisbury says it stands to reason that financial uncertainty and money shortages can sabotage one's sex life, particularly when there are dependents involved.

"There is a set amount of energy that any of us have in the day and if it all goes into worrying about how you're going to feed the kids, or those kind of horrors, you're unlikely to feel like having sex."

Financial adviser Chris Wasley of Christchurch says he was surprised to hear monetary woes were exacting such a high price in the bedroom. But with 20 years experience in the business of helping put right people's financial disasters, Wasley confirms that money can be a marriage wrecker.

He says financial advisers are often unwitting counsellors to couples with conflicting ideas and practices related to money. "Money causes a lot of problems in relationships and people often don't even know that it's money that is the source. Sometimes it is joint worries but a lot of the time we find that people don't realise they have different views on money." Relationship scorekeepers world- wide cite money as a chief cause of marital meltdown.

Gender differences can play a role but they don't have to be deleterious to one's relationship, says Good Living's financial agony aunt Janine Starks.

Men, she says, tend to take more risks with money while women are generally more conservative. However, both can be equally sneaky, she adds.

"Men will make big purchases without consultation. Women will remove tags from new clothes or cross out the price and forge their own 50 per cent sale price! It all adds up to the same thing - a preference to lie rather than consult, or justify, because your money values are different."

In his work with couples, Wasley tries to get spouses to recognise their differences and find a way to overcome them. While couples with similar financial outlooks tend to track towards their goals much quicker, those with disparate views are not doomed.

"So often when we worked through the process of doing a financial plan for people, it's to accommodate the fact they do have different views and once they see each other has these different views, suddenly everything starts to come right in the relationship."

If the flow-over from that is in the bedroom, all the better, he says playfully. "But we would've never realised there were some side effects from that, we don't delve quite that far into their relationships," he admits.

Starks agrees that opposing money personalities are not necessarily the kiss of marital death. The right combination of risk and conservatism can yield good financial outcomes, she believes.

Effective managers of money will reap the rewards behind closed doors, she believes.

Her logic is that money makes people happy, and happy people tend to enjoy a more active sex life.

"At the risk of sounding utterly politically incorrect - money does make you happy. I'd credit it with wiping out half of all marriage problems and arguments," she says.

Her explanation is equal parts financial and bio-chemical.

"Money is a factor in happiness and happiness releases endorphins. The e-drug works wonders. It perks you up, makes you bounce, gives you confidence, you're suddenly 10 times better looking than you really are.

"We all know that 50 per cent of sex appeal comes down to attitude and confidence. Why can't we just be honest and admit that a fist full of notes in your pocket leads to a better sex life - at the very least it makes for a calmer marriage."

Salisbury admits money can diffuse a lot of marital tension but puts a healthy relationship down to good communication, above all.

"Having enough money doesn't fix relationship problems, not having enough certainly exacerbates them. It depends on couples' skills at being able to communicate that strain."

In therapy sessions, Salisbury encourages couples to build up intimacy outside the bedroom through activities that do not require money. Nevertheless, when talk turns to money, Wasley believes it is important to have a concrete plan in place. The she'll-be-right attitude is financial suicide. "So one of the things we do is sit down with people and help them to set their goals because that's often the problem, they actually don't set specific goals.

Starks' advice is more pointed. She says couples that want to bulletproof their relationship need to provide full disclosure. "Never lie about money, never hide your credit card bills, never hide your savings and don't spend without consultation with each other.

"Treat your partner as an equal, regardless of any earnings differential, because you both need to have the same say over things."

And for those singles who aspire to avoid the divorce court one day by means other than remaining unattached? Starks suggests financial compatibility could prove just as important as good chemistry, common interests and a nice family.

"One of my top tips would be to include their attitude to money and their honesty and responsibility with money. I'm not saying to go and hook yourself the Christmas Grinch as no-one likes a scrooge. But look for a balanced approach - finding someone with the same money- personality as you is crucial.

"Even if you are quite different in other areas, if you have the right money-fit, it'll lead to a strong relationship with tighter bonds."

- © Fairfax NZ News