Helping boys turn into good men

A five-part series on Wellingtonians who volunteer their services

Last updated 11:09 06/01/2009

PHIL REID/The Dominion Post

BUILDING TIES: Nathan, 10, is one of nearly 11,000 boys in female solo-parent homes in the Wellington region. Every Saturday he meets his "big buddy" Allan Johnson and the pair do 'guy stuff' together.

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Every Saturday, Allan Johnson and Nathan meet up and do guy stuff: they build steps, drive go-karts, go fishing. And they talk.

Nathan, 10, is one of nearly 11,000 boys in female solo-parent homes in the Wellington region. Mr Johnson is Nathan's "big buddy".

The Big Buddy charity matches adult male volunteers with fatherless boys to provide role models, build supportive relationships, and just hang out once a week.

They might teach the boys how to change spark plugs, build a trolley, or play sport, but, more importantly, they aim to show them how to be a good man.

"I don't think people realise how important an ordinary relationship is to a young boy," Mr Johnson says. "What we do in a day, I don't think would matter. At the end of the day he talks to me and I listen. I really think that he values me because I'm interested in him."

The charity, which has been running in Auckland for 11 years, set up in Wellington last year. Four matches have been made and other boys aged 7 to 12 are waiting.

Potential mentors are rigorously screened, involving interviews, a psychological assessment, references and a police check.

The youngest applicant is 20; another buddy has a one-year-old son. For Mr Johnson, who is now in his early 50s, this was the right stage in his life. "My [youngest] daughter is going off to university next year.

"I decided I'd like to still continue to have some involvement with a child and also you get to the age where you'd like to hand something back."

Nathan's father died three years ago, and he lives with his mother and his sister. His mother, Nikki, says she searched for alternatives such as Scouts, but they were often run by women. "It's just doing those boys' things. No matter how much you try, mums can't really do boys' things," she says.

Now, Nathan and Mr Johnson meet every Saturday and talk on the phone at least once a week. After only six weeks, they have already made a connection.

Nathan invited Mr Johnson to his primary school graduation, where he had drawn a picture in crayon of the pair together. "That hit me pretty hard," Mr Johnson says. "I didn't think that after six weeks you'd have that sort of effect on somebody. That was pretty special."

Wellington manager Scott Savidge says boys, more than girls, need role models. "When they don't have men in their lives, they go looking for role models elsewhere, anywhere. Gangs, sports stars, movie stars. They'll find someone to cling to and copy."

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Research shows boys without fathers are more likely to get into trouble, abuse drugs and alcohol, run away, and kill themselves.

While the charity asks men to commit for a minimum of a year, for Mr Johnson and most other big buddies, it's a long-term commitment. "When he's 16 he may not want to spend much time with you but he knows you're there," he says.

"It's a good thing but it's not a big thing. Children don't remember the big bike you bought them, they remember the day you went to the beach."

- © Fairfax NZ News

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4 comments

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Richard Aston #4 05:26 pm Jan 28 2009

Sorry to hear of your experience with us John. It is however your take on Big Buddy and I need to remind readers we have hundreds of men come through as mentors, men who are very happy with the process, the mentoring relationships they have and feel proud to have been part of something so profoundly simple and helpful. We do not apologise for putting men under the microscope, its a sad comment on our world that we need to do this but not to so would be irresponsible. We maintain a strongly held value that most men are good and in fact we have taken a fair amount of stick in the past for our defense of this value. The boys mothers are well checked out by us and in the 12 years we have been running we have never had a mother make a false allegation against a mentor nor would I expect this to happen. I accept that in difficult separations some ex wives can throw wild allegations about but I need to strongly remind you a Big Buddy mentor is not a ex husband and does not inherit the emotional baggage of separation and therefore does not face this risk of allegation. All our mentors are fully supported by a strong organisation that has mana and credibility in the community while being held in great respect by other social agencies and government departments. But the short answer is if you want to keep yourself 100% safe and free from any scrutiny you would never get involved with any human relationship at all, but we all do get involved and we get involved because that whats it means to be human, because we want to care for other and because the presence of good men is needed in the lives of fatherless boys now more than ever. If you want to volunteer check out our web site www.bigbuddy.org.nz. Make your own decision - yes or no - we will respect it.

Richard Aston CEO Big Buddy

John Brett #3 05:26 pm Jan 28 2009

I am a father who has successfully raised four children, two boys and two girls, who are now all grown up I looked into the 'Buddy' scheme in Auckland, and decided NOT to participate. I would advise any man considering participating in such a scheme to think very hard. You will be put under the microscope, police checked, no problem you would think. What of the boys mothers? what would you know about them? Maybe they could be like my ex- who resorts to false allegations when she sees gain in doing so. Any man taking on such a mentoring role exposes himself to a significant risk of false allegations from mothers with all manner of motives. At the very least, you need to know what happened to the childrens real father, and to get the father's side of the story.

Johno #2 05:26 pm Jan 28 2009

I am a father who has successfully raised four children, two boys and two girls, who are now all grown up I looked into the "Buddy" scheme in Auckland, and decided NOT to participate. I would advise any man considering participating in such a scheme to think very hard. You will be put under the microscope, police checked, no problem you would think. What of the boys mothers? what would you know about them? Maybe they could be like my ex- who resorts to false allegations when she sees gain in doing so. Any man taking on such a mentoring role exposes himself to a significant risk of false allegations from mothers with all manner of motives. At the very least, you need to know what happened to the childrens real father, and to get the father's side of the story.

Lovely story #1 05:26 pm Jan 28 2009

I lovedthis stroy when I read it. I think it is so awesome to have such supportive role-models for these young boys.How do we go about volunteering?

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