Just in case you missed it, here's the news

BY JOE BENNETT

OPINION: On these long summer days are you too busy having a lifestyle to read all of this excellent newspaper? Me too. So here, for your convenience, is a digest of the lead story in each section.

Business News

At its annual shareholders' meeting, Destiny Ltd, the international hokum and novelties group, announced a 19 per cent increase in pre- tax profit. Board chairman Bish Tamaki said: "The board is delighted with the result in what has been a difficult trading environment. The group is in a strong position to profit from improving market conditions going forward."

Group managing director Bish Tamaki said the company continued to outperform competitors in the global hocus-pocus industry. "Our lean business structure has enabled us to respond nimbly to the market, as shown by our successful introduction of covenant rings, eftpos terminals in all business centres, and the outsourcing of delinquent tithe collection."

He singled out for praise the dynamic contribution of chief executive Bish Tamaki and company secretary Mrs Bish Tamaki, and urged shareholders to ratify their proposed pay increases.

Entertainment

In ousting Horror in Haiti from the top spot in this week's box-office ratings, The Chilean Catastrophe demonstrates the theatre-going public's unquenchable thirst for reality disaster movies. It also serves as a warning to film-makers.

Chief executives from the major studios are said to be collaborating on a schedule to ensure a chance of box-office success for all catastrophe movies. A spokesman said it was in everyone's interest to space disasters evenly throughout the year to wring all possible emotional content from each one. "The viewing public's a fickle beast. It hoovers up new shows but it constantly craves novelty and it forgets fast."

Religious affairs

An application for tax-exemption by a Wellington church has been opposed by Inland Revenue. A spokesman said the distinction between an established church and a cult was a grey area.

"No-one disputes that the RFU, for example, is an established church with its long tradition of public worship. But though Wellington Phoenix is currently drawing huge and fanatical congregations, we feel it is premature to grant them tax- exemption. We've seen too many cults come and go."

An elder of the church said the Phoenix catered to a spiritual need that was being poorly served by the established churches.

"The RFU is out of touch," he said. "It has become enmired in theological detail such as the law of the Tackled Ball, and the congregations are voting with their feet."

National news

The Immigration Department has confirmed that a British crime suspect evaded screening at Auckland Airport this month.

The suspect was eventually located in a public theatre addressing followers. What he was doing was not strictly illegal but a cordon was established around the building to ensure public safety.

Official sources refused to name the suspect but it is believed to be Clifford Richard, who is wanted in numerous countries for crimes against entertainment. "There are several of these ageing international crims cruising the world and you just never know where they're going to pop up next," a spokesman said. "It's terrifying. The price of safety is eternal vigilance."

Sport

The manager of Nats Athletic, who are heading the championship table, has denied that the dramatic sending off and suspension of midfielder Heatley will derail their season.

"Phil will be missed, for sure," said manager John Key at a midweek press conference, "but when you're leading the competition everyone wants to have a crack at you and we're subject to constant scrutiny from referees."

Meanwhile, cellar-dwellers ACT United have ignored calls to sack their extreme right-winger who wants referees sterilised.

"If I dumped players for outbursts of lunacy," said manager Rod Hide, "pretty soon I wouldn't have a team."

- © Fairfax NZ News