6am: Sleep. Dream of scoring the winning try at the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

7am: Sleep. Dream of scoring the winning goal for Chelsea in the Champions League.

7am: Get woken up again by the boy, this time as he pulls my hair and slobbers on my face. The wife has to go to work and the boy needs looking after. Drag myself out of bed and head to the lounge to watch SpongeBob.

8am-10am: Watch SpongeBob Squarepants, The Mickey Mouse Club, Bo on the Go, Handy Manny, The Wiggles, Word World, Number Jacks and Bunny Town.

Wonder if too much television is bad for the boy. Turn off television and spark a tantrum. Decide television is lesser of two evils and turn it back on.

11am: Drag myself out of bed, let dog out, get dressed, check emails, read newspaper, check the sports results, play music loud, sing at the top of my lungs, let dog in, head into town for brunch.

11am: Drag myself out of bed to the sound of the boy's wails. Smell his stinky nappy, gag five times as I change him, drop dirty nappy on foot, get peed on, get kicked in the nuts while dressing the boy. Wince.

Noon: Try to feed myself. Make tough decision between eggs benny and pancakes. Down several cups of coffee, chat up the waitress then head to bookstore and record shop. Go for a walk along the waterfront.

Noon: Try to feed the boy. End up watching him throw food all over the lounge. Wipe baby vomit fromshoulder. Chase the dog around the house for exercise, with giggling boy tucked under one arm. Let boy crawl around outside.

1pm: Decide that I really need another t-shirt. Realise that I don't actually need another t-shirt. Think about what I'm going to wear to the pub tonight and realise that, yes, I desperately need another t-shirt. Wonder if the wife will mind that I just blew another sixty bucks on yet another t-shirt.

1pm: Decide to take boy into town. Spend 45 minutes getting him ready. Realise it's time for his nap again. Realise trip into town is unrealistic. Put him in the pram and take boy and dog for walk along the coast instead.

2pm: Get back from town, stopping at the bakery for a pie and a donut. Clamber into sun-drenched hammock and read five pages of new book. Feel sleepy so opt for a quick cat-nap.

2pm: Get back from walk, ever so carefully lift sleeping boy from pram, manage to get him to his room without waking him, accidentally bump his head on the side of his cot, apologise as he starts to scream. Pray that he'll go back to sleep. Realise that he won't.

3pm: Wake up with a sunburn, decide it's time for a beer.

3pm: Dance around the room with the boy, making him giggle. Teach boy new and hilarious faces. Sit boy down and tell him to "repeat after me - dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda".

3:15pm-5pm: Breathe massive sigh of relief as I find two cold beers stashed in the back of the fridge. Hit the couch to watch the rugby and devour a bag of salt 'n vinegar chips. Can't get latest Mos Def song out of my head.

3:15pm-5pm: Breathe massive sigh of relief as wife finally walks in the door. Hand boy to her almost immediately, take two Panadol and curl up in fetal position on the couch. Can't get Big Red Car out of my head.

5pm: Look after my friends on Facebook by making sure they know which pub we are meeting up at. Give dog some dog food.

5pm: Look after the boy while the wife works on her university homework. Let him crawl around the lounge while keeping one eye on the Otago game. Panic when I can't find him. Feel like a bad parent when the wife returns the boy to the lounge, after finding him eating dog food in the kitchen.

6pm: Jump into the shower then spend 20 minutes figuring out what pair of jeans goes best with my new t-shirt. Most stressful part of the day.

6pm: Run a bath for the boy. Spend the next 20 minutes turning the bathroom into a swimming pool. Best part of the day.

6:30pm: Head into town, meet up with friends, proceed to get drunk, hope beer won't come up easy.

6:30pm: Head into the boy's darkened room, singing Twinkle Twinkle and giving him his last bottle. Rock him in my arms, soaking in his night-time smiles. Tuck him into bed, kiss him goodnight, and hope he'll go down easy.

3am: Fall asleep on the couch.

10pm: Fall asleep on the couch.

6am: Wake up to hangover.

6am: Wake up to boy.