The ultimate ultimatum
BY GREER MCDONALDWe've talked about dealbreakers, the things that stop a relationship from ever taking flight, but what about ultimatums? 
Drawing a line in the sand and asking someone to pick their side.
Will it be the red or the blue pill?
A girlfriend and I recently discussed experiences with ultimatums.
According to the Wiki bible, an ultimatum (Latin for: the last one) is "a demand whose fulfillment is requested in a specified period of time and which is backed up by a threat to be followed through in case of noncompliance."
"An ultimatum is generally the final demand in a series of requests. The time allotted is usually short, and the request is understood not to be open to further negotation."
For one of my friends, she's hoping to jet off on her OE in a few months, boyfriend in tow.
Problem is he's dancing around setting a date to leave.
Every time the topic is raised it gets put off "for a couple of weeks" which, surprise surprise, never results in a date being set.
He has his reasons: he's got a job he loves and some exciting opportunities ahead of him.
He's a cool guy; he's not trying to dick her round on purpose and I think the only reason he is delaying is because he cares and wants to make the right choice.
It's a massive thing for him to decide, a lot more serious than just dropping everything and following your heart.
But she's totally stuck.
She loves him, wants him to come along, but his lack of enthusiasm in realising how important it is to get the ball rolling and to give her a date so she can "begin the countdown" has her worried.
"I think I've lost faith in him," she told me.
She asked my advice, and as always I said she had to worry about herself.
At the end of the day, that's the only thing she can control.
However by taking her own wants and needs into consideration, the conclusion was that she needed to give him an ultimatum.
Not cool, she said.
"I don't think I want to know his choice."
She's not the ultimatum kinda girl either so it's almost unnatural for her to take this path because she's so sweet and laid back about things.
Other friends of mine have had to give ultimatums in all sorts of circumstances: marry me or I'll leave because I need commitment, have my baby in two years or else, move to [insert country] with me or we're through, lose 20kgs or you're gone... it goes on.
It is ever right or fair to give ultimatums?
Is there an easier way to work things out? Do ultimatums ever work or does the person who set them just spend the rest of their days wondering if their demands influenced their partner's decision - for the worse?
Would love to hear from you - ideas, comments, anything. Email greer2.0@gmail.com with your issues or questions - and while you're there, follow me on Twitter or Facebook
- © Fairfax NZ News
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Ultimatums are too hard. Penultimatums, on the other hand, are much easier. They show you're serious and are willing to play hardball, but not quite yet. Take baby steps towards Ultimatum-ville.
(Does anyone else think the word 'ultimatum' looks like one of those made-up prescription drug names? Errr, me neither.)
Bad idea. Ultimatums damage the trust and love in a relationship and risk forcing someone to do something their heart isn't really in. If you can't reach a compromise with a partner I think that speaks volumes about the relationship. At that point it's probably best to do what is good for you and let the other person decide if that was their mistake or not. I've seen someone come to their senses after they lost someone, but I've never seen an ultimatum resolve happily.
From the other side it’s all about being able to make a decision. And sometimes those decisions are hard, you want the best of both worlds. And you will prevaricate.
But if that is unacceptable to someone else you will be forced and rightly so. So by not making the decision you should not be surprised when you get an ultimatum. You know what it’s about, and that your behaviour has been unacceptable, time to step up to the plate and deal with it!
I could not agree with MsM more
If your friend has 'lost faith in him' an ultimatum is not required, a face to face 'lets discuss our issues' is.
Just set the date and go with or without him. A good relationship is one that leaves you independent of each other rather than having to go places and do things. Either you will go, enjoy yourself and releave all the stress, or he will jump on in when he realizes you are going away and having fun without him. Either way its going to affirm or break the relationship. And you are better finding that out now rather than down the road after kids and marriage etc. I do cycling and running, and i accept my husband hates traveling or going out of his way to do pretty much anything. SO i go by myself a lot. I go away for up to a week at a time and he's happy and trusts me, and vice versa. Sure it would be nice if he came with me more often, however on the other hand i never need to worry about a babysitter :)
Personally, I think that if you are going to give an ultimatum then you need to be prepared to accept the outcome whether good or bad.
I gave my partner a deadline to propose to me; otherwise we would need to look at where our relationship was going. Luckily he met the deadline and we are happily married.
Perhaps there is a valid reason that he is avoiding setting a date?
I think that she needs to just set the date and accept that she might be going with or without him on her OE. I agree with MsM here, that at this "point it's probably best to do what is good for you". If he really is committed to doing the OE then hopefully he will go with her, or at least join her over there at a later stage.
Ultimatums are a bad idea. You should always be ready to discuss things, to compromise, to work things out but ultimatums bypass all of that to a state of one partner controlling the other. I have a strict policy that I make known at the start of any relationship and that is if I'm ever given an ultimatum, that is automatically the end of the relationship, no matter how minor the topic.
Personally, I think said friend needs to think about it this way: If she stays because he doesnt want to go, will she resent him for it, and likely break up with him later on because of it? If yes, then she should just set a date and tell him she is going, and he can come at the start of the trip, join her later (allowing him to decide when this "later" is), or not come and instead have a long distance relationship for a while.
Saves it being explicitly an ultimatum, because he still has options...
Yeah, specific ultimatums arent fair. Suggestions that you would "like" them to do something, but allowing it to happen in their own time are better for the relationship. If the relationship is really working, both partners should realise how important these things are to the other and be able to compromise!
Really an ultimatum is usually a deal breaker in a relationship anyway. If you are not prepared to walk away from the relationship, then don't issue one...
Ultimatums count in the category of questions you possibly shouldn't ask because you might not like the answer.