Ask Greer: Settling too soon?
BY GREER MCDONALDWelcome to Ask Greer Friday.
'W' writes:
It's a broad issue... maybe it would strike a nerve with some couples, maybe ring true with your readers?
I am 30 and almost ALL of my friends that are now near the home/children/marriage trifecta are what you could call high school sweethearts. First loves, generally met when they were both between 16 - 21, never explored their individual lives, the world, or their sexuality as single adults - even sharing their OEs. Me: I am in a relationship which is still quite new, but I spent most of my 20's avoiding serious relationships so I could get all the crazy out of my system. I had several girlfriends but none that I really wanted to go the distance with. 
Looking from the outside, it now feels like almost all of my friends "bought too early". They are fully committed with no easy way out, but they are different people at 30 than they were at 16. And now they are so deeply entrenched in one another's social and financial lives that saying "I don't love you anymore" might seem impossible.
I can hardly be the judge of others' relationships from the outside. But the feeling is now so strong from many of my friends, that are couples of this type that my flatmate and girlfriend and I have joked there will soon be "round two". In fact one of these couples has already dramatically fallen apart.
How many couples do you know that are walking this path together more because they have been a couple for years and share their social lives entirely than because they still display any real sign of affection or love for one another, so it's just easier to say yes than no? And is it EVER something one can comment on or question their friends on easily?
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Ahh yes, the age old saying of 'no one knows what goes on behind closed doors'.
It's hard because it's so easy to look in from the outside and decide the relationship decisions your friends make are the wrong or right ones.
I definitely think as Kiwis, we're a bunch of settlers.
Much as above, I think as we reach our 30s and onwards there is a sense of "round two" as people grow and maybe outgrow their current relationships.
There seems to be three groups:
* the ones who suck it up ala our parents' generation (who often spend many years unhappy together due to laziness/fear of being alone etc)
* the ones who decide to cut their losses and face divorce and a new future
* those who are lucky to be happy with the person they fell in love with at such a young age.
I dare say last group are a minority. Not because I'm a bitter, twisted singleton but because often those (and I think some of them are blog readers) like to say out loud that they are happy as Larry and their relationship is "great".
That's awesome, if it's true.
But I think as New Zealanders we have this great ability to tell ourselves something so many times that it becomes truth.
So in answer to 'W's questions: I shudder to think how many couples I know are "walking the path" together because it's easier than being apart.
I'd say percentage-wise, it would be about 50/50 for my circle of family and friends - and that's giving some friends the benefit of the doubt.
To answer your second question, I refer to the line above. I think as friends we have to give someone the benefit of the doubt.
It's easy to form opinions and like I've said before in this post, there are so many ways you could deal with it.
I think the main thing is not to point the "told you so" finger at your mates. I have friends who are 25 and divorced. It would be so easy to say to them that they made some wrong decisions, but in my mind I couldn't punish them any more then they're punishing themselves.
And as everyone knows, I'm a big fan of being happy single than miserable and attached.
So, how many couples do you know that are just cruising through life together because it's easier to say yes than no? And seeing as this blog is an "anonymous" space (at least for you!), got any strange relationship couplings that you feel like ranting about because it's not the "done" thing to talk about?
Now's the time!
Go on, we're all friends here.
A PLEA! If you think there's a topic I need to tackle, email me please. No use complaining about topics if you don't have any suggestions! Email greer2.0@gmail.com with your issues or questions - and while you're there, follow me on Twitter or Facebook
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There's a song that has the line "It's hard to say you love someone, and it's hard to say you don't". Cant remember the song, but the sentiment is apt. It can be really really hard to tell someone that you dont love them any more. Especially if they still love you. I've had some fun along these lines just recently. Something I thought was dead and buried long ago has reared it's (not at all ugly) head again, but the thanks but no thanks message isnt going through, and I dont feel like that any more is rather difficult to put nicely.
In answer to the questions though, people do get comfortable, and that comfort is sometimes more important than the joie de vivre that comes from a passionate and loving relationship. I know a few people in that situation....
But I dont think that that's something that needs to be commented on. It's not a destructive relationship, even if it's a little sad, so it's up to the people in the relationship to determine how happy they are, and what's more important to them. Not for anyone outside the relationship.
You've pretty much summed it up in the first two sentences:
"Ahh yes, the age old saying of 'no one knows what goes on behind closed doors'.
It's hard because it's so easy to look in from the outside and decide the relationship decisions your friends make are the wrong or right ones."
So many people assume that they know better than the couple involved and step in to "protect" one or other party from the other. So many are quick to offer "helpful advice" from the safety of their computer, while knowing absolutely nothing of the situation other than a one sided account.
In the vast majority of the cases these helpful people do not clarify the other side of the story or look at it objectively and impartially. And in most cases the advice is an extreme course of action (such as "leave him") rather than something useful (such as "talk").
I think sometimes you're right that people don't adequately explore their options etc, and perhaps that goes back to what greer said about a lack of dating culture in New Zealand, you go out a couple of times and automatically you're shackled to each other.
The biggest problem for relationships is that alot of people get married and think thats it, everything will take care of itself, but even if you do it at thirty instead of twenty you're still a growing changing person you need to put effort into maintaining your relationship. Marriage is not the final step, its more like a middle one that can be a bit wobbly.
Personally at twenty five (at least for another four weeks) most people I know are in a long term/fairly serious relationship and alot of them are married with sproggs, the idea for me it totally unappealing and thats just me. My younger sister (shes 23 tomorrow) is engaged to be married but knowing her as well as I do shes most definitely explored her options and her fiance` is a very good match.
I think the other thing people forget is that theres more than one type of love, and that its going to change over time and that the love that goes with lust is going to fade and be replaced by something else (that would be your seven year itch).
Found each other at 18, engaged (but never married!), 22 yrs together, 6 months separated. Realising you're simply living alongside one another is one thing, having the courage to do something about it is very much another. 'W' has hit it on the head.
What a great question! I know a lot of couples who when I'm around them they just act like flatmates and theres no affection at all. I was in a marriage like this up till a year ago (7 years), and I guess I'm kind of lucky I get a second chance, as I definitely know I settled. I will never make that mistake again though.
Some of the couples I know, actually look grossed out at showing any sort of affection towards each other at all except for a peck on the lips. I've also heard about them cheating too.
The problem is if you don't settle, what if you never meet someone who is your true match?
I'm glad what happened to me, as it at least gives me a chance. Plus theres no more screwed in-laws to deal with!
...I don't think its just Kiwis that do that...
I went to an awful lot of weddings when I was 19-21. My partner at the time had a young child together, but we were the only ones not falling over ourselves to get married. We eventually split up. As did all but one couple of the 7 weddings I went to (all split within 5 years). You do an awful lot of growing up between 18 and 30. Getting married is a stupid idea. Live together, if you are still happy when you hit 25 - then get married.
W should never think he is living his life wrong because he is living it his way.
Greer, who is subbing this blog?
It has mistakes in it.
"Anymore" is not a word and you cut your "losses" not your "loses".
I agree with the behind closed doors thought, even within the relationship itself. (Doors within doors, if you will). Sometimes one of the people in the long-term relationship (LTR) thinks all is well, while the other person's mind, and sometimes body, is elsewhere.
In my experience, coz I'm clearly an awesome relationship expert, a degree of independence is a necessity for anyone in a long-term set-up.
Having things in common is obviously good, but doing everything and anything together can suffocate.
Different interests, friends, etc, are almost as important to the survival of a LTR as the good things in common.
Think of it like one of those old skool Venn diagrams with the intersection in the middle being the relationship crossover.
I like to think I am one of the lucky few. Im 28 and have been with hubby since I was 17. Having said that, we still to this day have mainly seperate friends, and we travel a lot by ourselves or with mates. Whilst being settled I have still managed to see the world and do the things I have wanted to do and I think it is the seperate interests that have made it work. We don't crowd each other.
I do have a 24yr old divorced friend though which makes me sad, and I have seen it a few times. Mostly they are people who have got together, got pregnant so tried to make it work, and then had it all fall to pieces. But I think you can see those couples coming a mile off before it gets that far. Sadly all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces and try to offer sound advise when asked.