Second time around
BY GREER MCDONALDTwo friends recently got back together after a number of years apart.
They didn't plan it like that. It just happened.
I'm totally cool with it and it's got me thinking about the second chances that we get in life.
I can't say there are many of my exes who I'd consider going back to.
It's not because they're bad people - I just believe that there isn't any unfinished business.
We've done our dash. I've moved on with my life, they've moved on with theirs, and I just can't imagine our paths aligning in some magical way like it has with my mates. (Seriously, it's sooo cute!)
There are, of course, the people who will probably forever haunt me as the What Ifs.
What if he had told me how he felt before it was too late? What if I had fought a little harder for him? What if he was The One and I totally missed all the signs?
But they're destined to stay that way, and those questions will probably never be answered.
I think that's why when you get a second chance, it makes things a little sweeter. At least, that's the plan right?
In the pros camp:
* You already know their quirks. Are they a snorer? Do they annoyingly correct your grammar all the time? Are they an early bird? Do they always run late? Getting together with someone the second time around means there aren't likely to be any great shocks.
* Your friends and family already know them. They can generally slip seamlessly back into your life with little fuss.
* You know where you went wrong the first time, and can work through whatever it was to ensure it doesn't happen again.
* You can re-learn things about this person who you previously cared for. A lot of things could have changed in their life since, so you get to rediscover them and what happened in the time you were apart.
In the cons camp:
* Same shtick, different day. There's nothing new to discover - you know this person inside and out already.
* It stuffed up once, there's every chance it could happen again.
* Hurt me once, your fault. Hurt me twice, my fault. If it all goes pear shape you run the risk of really low self esteem if you put 100 per cent into it and didn't get what you deserved back.
* There may be resentment over the time you spent apart, especially if you were each involved with other people in that time.
Have you ever broken up with someone but then got back together? Is it better the second time round? Do you have unfinished business with someone?
Got a question for Ask Greer Fridays? Email me at greer2.0@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter @GreerMcDonald or on Facebook.
- © Fairfax NZ News
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Oh wouldnt it be easy to be with someone so familiar again?...well actually I dont think I could do it. I probably wouldnt be able to 100% forgive them for hurting me the first time and I wouldnt be able to trust that they wont take off and do it all again. Certainly couldnt go back to my ex ever again, he had too many chances already and it never got any better...theres no going back after the most recent breakup thats for sure, and I'm fine with that...just werent meant to be obviously.
I did. It was doomed to fail and I think we both knew it from the beginning. But the new/old sex was good, and we both enjoyed having another 'fling' (I guess you'd call it) while it lasted. I wouldn't ever date any of my exes again now though, because I am engaged, but even if I were single I wouldn't because, looking back, I can see how completely wrong for me they were.
If you make it the second time with someone - it was meant to be...timing has a lot to answer for! Unfinished business is the worst feeling...what if??? You could be wondering that forever.
Me and the wife are about 4th time around - friends for years, hooked-up (not seriously), moved towns, hooked up (occasionally), moved back to same towns, got together, didn't work (she'd just got out of a messy engagement, and I was still in "single mode"), messed about for a couple of years with others (while still staying friendly and in-touch), and then found ourselves single and looking at the same time, and the old spark was still there :) Been together almost 5 years, 2 kids and a mortage and it's still the best relationship in and out of bed I could ever imagine. Good luck to your friends!
Personal experience is not to do it... it didnt work out for a reason. Getting back together with my ex just prolonged the drama for another 3 years. The 'pros' also turned out to be cons, knowing their quirks meant there were no shocks but it was more annoying! He was also so incredibly jealous of anyone I'd been with when we were apart...
Not to say it can never work
My most recent (long-term) ex still wants to get back together. And despite the fact we have both matured to the point where the problems we had could be surmounted, I could never get back with him. Once you go through the painful break up process (which is longer and more painful if assets are involved) you aren't whole again until you have closure in your heart. And therein lies the reason I could never go back, once something is closed and you have let go of the hurt there is no way of going back to the feelings you had. That said I could consider revisiting some of my briefer relationships, if things were aligned that way. I could pick up on a relationship that consisted of just a beginning but not on one that's already had an end.
Another great blog Greer. Somethng that I think we all think about but is rarely discussed "in the real world" I am interested to see the discussion develop on this one...
I dont think I would ever do this not that my ex's are bad and it was mainly my fault they didnt work out (the relationships) but i think I have changed so much as a person inn the past few years that what interested me in them would now not interest me
I've done the on-and-off awful thing but never got back with an ex after a long time apart. I'd never go there again with any of my ex's now (at least partly because I'm in a relationship!) but I could see that you might if you broke up because one of you moved towns/ countries or the timing just wasn't right... (rather than because they were complete jerks who cheated/ lied etc)
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I've found in my experience that any attempt to salvage a broken relationship has failed, but I think it's something that has to be looked at on a case-by-case basis. The reason why you broke up is obviously the thing that changes the likliness you'll succeed on the 2nd go.
Generally I don't think that any break-up is due to a person being 'bad' or 'useless as a boyfriend' - the reality is that it's all about compatibility, and someone who didn't work for you might be totally perfect for someone different than you.