The Ballad of Gay Tony

After ten minutes I was inside a toilet stall with my pants down.

The Ballad of Gay Tony is out (and proud). The newest downloadable episode from Grand Theft Auto 4 adds plenty of new features, including (but not limited to) parachutes, sticky bombs, neon, nightclub management, missile-launching helicopters, dancing, and intellectually disabled hoodlums with hearts of gold.

The gameplay fundamentals are the same as you've seen in GTA 4 and the first DLC, The Lost and Damned - drive around a fully realised city in a variety of (stolen) vehicles, fire a variety of deadly weapons at people who may or may not deserve it, and follow the stories of a fascinating set of awful criminals.

Your avatar for this ride is Luis Lopez, bodyguard and business partner to Anthony 'Gay Tony' Prince - the most powerful and popular night club owner in Liberty City. At least he was, until the world economy collapsed. Now all the rich jerks have to buy ramen instead of recreational drugs, drive hatchbacks instead of Ferraris, and watch TV instead of going to sexy clubs.

Nothing a bit of crime can't solve.

Aside from the missions (which are as fun as ever) there are new songs on the radio, new weapons and vehicles to play with, and BASE jumping. Underground fighting tournaments, casual golfing, seagull murder, blah, blah...

My favourite new feature is the club management. As night falls over Liberty, you can choose to go and help out at the clubs, keeping an eye out for trouble and making sure everyone has a good time. Inside the thumping, awesome Maisonette 9, Luis can keep an eye on the floor (in case of the odd pervert, drunk or dealer), or partake in other seedy club activities.

Drinks are free because you are who you are. A few shots helps you pump up the volume, but too many and you're going down to vomit town. After one rough night I woke up paralysed in a dumpster in the middle of Star Junction. There are ladies to dance the night away with as well, if you can match the on-screen grooves. Success leads to booty calls.

When I say anything about the game, people ask me if you play as a gay character. "No," I tell them. "Don't you know anything about video games?!"

Gaming has no problem with homosexuals - it just doesn't want them to be main characters. It makes the average gamer* (young, white, straight, male - the same profile as serial killers) uncomfortable and less likely to spend money. Not that gay people have been absent from the history of gaming. As a gamer, you are allowed to experience homosexuality in several ways, all of them pre-approved by a committee.

These are: funny weird guy who probably wears dresses and says things like 'fabulous', villainous pervert who is different to normal people, and wise and sensitive friend who offers advice and calls you 'sweetie'.

It seems even Rockstar - the developer that gave new meaning to the phrase 'Hot Coffee' - can't make the leap to gay heroes yet. Will we ever get to be a knight in shining armour saving a knight in shining distress?

* I am fully aware that there are billions of female, asian, gay, senior citizens playing games too.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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RJ   #1   03:29 pm Nov 30 2009

Rockstar did Bully/Canis Canem Edit - Jimmy is at least bi-curious in that game. And I guess there's like that playable guy in Persona 4 but it's not like he's the main character...

Hmmmm...

prettysenshi   #2   04:38 pm Nov 30 2009

huh....gay main characters...

i don't see it catching on. i wish it would though, but the white male 18-30 demographic is typically pretty stupid.

Steve   #3   01:21 pm Mar 15 2010

We need more psychopathic gay villains rather than camp gay comedians in our lives!

Paulo   #4   12:44 pm Apr 06 2010

@Steve #3, I thoroughly recommend Harry Starks, if you like your gay heroes to be psypathic recidivist villians ... read about him in Jake Arnott's The Long Firm