I spy some things beginning with 'B'

I'm Batman.

Sorry I've kept it from you for so long. I wanted to tell you, but Alfred said it would ruin the mysterious brooding hero aesthetic. Whatever. He's just jealous of my high tech, bat-themed gadgets (batarang, bat-vision, bat-plane, batcave), sexy fighting skills, unmatched intellect, cool costume, awesome car and manly jawline.

Last night I had to take the Joker to Arkham Asylum after I caught him being a very naughty boy at the mayor's office. Unfortunately it was a trap, and as soon as we got inside he escaped and took over the asylum. I kept telling everyone it was probably a trap, and then it was totally a trap. I have bat-smarts. His loopy girlfriend, Harley Quinn, was there too, along with a bunch of other psychos I am directly or indirectly responsible for creating. I have made Gotham safer by forcing the criminals to dress in more identifiable clothing.

Did you know I can fight at least 20 guys at once? Because I'm the Batman. My bat-punches are so powerful that time itself slows down to watch me. Some might say my fights are more like graceful dances. Not me though, I'm too manly for dancing. The Batman is more of a wallflower - in that I like to hang from walls.

Like last night when I managed to drop down like a flying ninja and grab a joker henchman by the throat without making a sound. I hung him from a gargoyle like a pinata, then dropped him onto another guy. Then all the rest of them started freaking out like "Oh god he's here!" and "Where did he go?!" and their heart rates went through the roof. I know because I checked them with my bat-vision. Did I mention that I have bat vision? I do.

Arkham is beautiful at night. It was nice to take a break from being awesome and just look out over the island. It would be a nice place to live if it weren't full of the worst supercriminals in history.

Poison Ivy was there, being kept in a cold cell with no clothes on. I think that has something to do with her being close to nature. She tried to squeeze me to death - not in a good way. Killer Croc was there too, living in a sewer specifically designed to scare the crap out of people. Not that a ten-foot-tall crocodile man needs any help with that.

And then came Scarecrow, that jerk. He kept gassing me with gas and sending me spiralling into madness by forcing me to relive the deaths of my parents. I hate it when that happens. He was also a giant for some reason. Don't do drugs, kids.

Joker managed to take over the whole asylum and enact some sort of plan involving mutants and flowers. That guy is pretty crazy. He kept pestering me over the speaker system with that creepy laugh. For some reason it made me think of Star Wars. Now for some bat-sleep.

(Batman: Arkham Asylum - rated M - is currently available on Xbox 360 and Playstation 3. Everyone should buy it.)

BORDERLANDS

I just got this game. You're a treasure hunter on an alien planet which supposedly has a secret vault somewhere containing all the most awesome things in the universe - mostly cash. It looks a little bit like Fallout. Okay, it looks a lot like Fallout, but only if you took away all the depressing end-of-civilisation stuff, added more than three colours and replaced "talk to everyone in town" with "shoot everything, and then shoot everything again".

Borderlands has a lot of guns. By which I mean it has potentially infinite guns. Firearms are randomly generated from a list of parts, meaning you get something different every time. So far I have been given a pistol with a sniper scope, a sniper rifle made of wood with a revolver chamber and a small yellow gun that shoots fireballs. Early days though, I have been assured that you can find machine guns that shoot electric rockets, among other things.

The single player quest can also be played cooperatively with friends. Players can drop in and out of each other's games whenever they like, helping them with quests and generally messing about. The game records which quests you help a friend with and changes your own game to reflect that. Borderlands is all about loot, so if you both find a particularly shiny piece of stuff, you can enter a duel and fight for the treasure. My gamertag on Xbox Live is Zwuh if you fancy an adventure.

And I just picked up a grenade that shoots more grenades when it blows up, so if you'll excuse me...

I will be on joyous Christmas-like holidays from now until January 4th. Please, no tears. With any luck, Santa will give me a ton of games and a new TV. Or maybe socks.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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Mrs Astruc   #1   11:41 am Dec 18 2009

I know I don't find your jokes particularly funny because I am a cold and heartless witch intent only on making you miserable, but I nearly pissed myself at this one.

Mr. Wizzard   #2   01:33 am Dec 19 2009

Your work never ceases to make me giggle until my wife looks at me funny. Please, keep it up.

Courtney   #3   12:30 pm Dec 19 2009

I thought I was Batman...

lunarennui   #4   10:15 pm Dec 19 2009

there is this most astonishing thing, where my bf is somehow denying the fact that when the first borderlands preview came out, i said '...good GOD that looks like fallout, only without as as many whores and with a lot more guns!' and he said 'yeah, i know!'

...and then he played it a little, and i said 'hell, that is like fallout, only far less annoying, and with a lot more shooting people!' and he said 'yeah! i KNOW! it's AWESOME!'

and now i read him this review and he says, while being reluctant and reticent and possibly even whiny, 'no it's not. it's totally different. there are more guns and it's not even on earth.'

i vote that he's being a grumpy bastard and your review nailed it right on the head.

(i never said there was anything WRONG with it being, oh, JUST LIKE FALLOUT only with more guns. 'cos that's what it IS. it's also damned fun, and you don't have to worry about things like 'if i do that ho, will it affect my morality status?')

review = WIN.