Valentine's Play

To my wife,

I love you. I'm not afraid to say it because (a) it's true and (b) I am a secure man who isn't afraid to express his feelings. Also, I bought you Left 4 Dead 2, and if that isn't love then I am out of ideas completely.

If we were pinatas I would dance with you until an egg appeared. If we were Pokemon you would be my type, yet your advances would be super effective (I wouldn't use a splash attack without asking first). I would search any number of castles to find you, go through any number of temples, and battle any number of scaly beasts.

All my base are belong to you.

Just like a good space marine would do for his buddy, I will catch you if you fall. If you're out of ammo then you can always check my pockets. If a choice flashes up I will always press X to save your life, even if I get fewer points.

Yes, on a world-saving quest I would take time out to stand in a magic pool made of ghosts and make out with you, even if you started crying and it was really awkward.

I would fly into SPACE and rescue you by jumping out into the abyss with no lifeline on the off chance a 20-year-old spaceship will float by.

I would save your life a million times over, even if you kept living in a castle while I was working as a plumber to make ends meet, and even if you refused to ever give me anything beyond a 'thank you', despite me being a man with needs.

Sometimes we might fight, and you might spam your special attacks over and over (Nag, Super Nag, Cry, Silent Treatment, You Should Know Why), but in the end I know we'll always choose continue. And if I could rewind time I would be with you all over again. And if I could rewind time I would be with you all over again.

I will always love you, no matter if you become a zombie, a vampire, a hideous radioactive mutant, a scientifically-bred mutant, an inexplicable-but-cool-looking mutant, a serial killer, a psychic serial killer, my own robotic arm, a figment of my imagination the whole time, a cop, a bar wench, a prostitute, dead, a princess, an artificial intelligence, a non-gendered alien scientist, the daughter of a mob boss, just me but with a bow on your head, the identical twin of another woman, a ghost, a heartless monster, a bigoted soldier, some guy who dresses up as you and tries to shoot me, an awkward cameo, a cat burglar, a cosmic battery, a busty nurse with no face, a robot, a terrorist or a man.

So can I play Call of Duty now?

TO PEOPLE WHO I DON'T LOVE

In this festive season of cartoon hearts, obligations and loneliness, remember that romance isn’t always great. Sometimes it is an embarassment:

- © Fairfax NZ News

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Mrs Astruc   #1   09:44 am Feb 15 2010

Nag, Super Nag, Cry, Silent Treatment, You Should Know Why?

You're just lucky I love Left 4 Dead 2, fat boy.

SA   #2   01:21 pm Feb 15 2010

"All my base belong to you" ... awwwww Geek love is teh best