Playstation 3 is better than a kick in the face

BY ANDY ASTRUC

Hey guys. Having a good week? Okay shut up for a minute.

It was my birthday on Saturday, and my reward for being a passive observer in my own creation 26 years ago is a BRAND NEW PLAYSTATION 3. Yes. This magical block of curvy, black plastic is now mine to do with as I please. Shortly after plugging in the joy I discovered it had scary powers.

Aside from the ability to automatically hook up with my unsexy laptop, Herman, and the uncanny knack for resembling a cooking appliance, my machine contains a portal to other realms. Fantastic adventure and guilt-free wenches await, I'm sure.

WHOOSH.

No wait, I'm actually some guy with a family. Or without a family. Or maybe I'm a private detective, journalist or plucky young FBI agent. It's getting confusing, but that isn't surprising considering my brain has been replaced with a wireless controller. Apparently I am looking for a dangerous serial killer but I can't even brush my teeth without stabbing myself in the eye.

What's with all this heavy rain, anyway? It's depressing.

There are people in my house trying to kill me, my son is dead, the prostitute needs help, I'm fat, my super-cool electric CSI sunglasses aren't helping with my drug addiction, I'm not sexy enough, my son has been kidnapped, the baby needs a new nappy, a crazy doctor is trying to drill me, I electric-shocked my own face for a very good reason and now the shop owner is dead because I stepped on some chips.

WHOOSH.

Everything has gone almost, but not completely, flat. Additionally, I appear to be made of sack. A sack boy, if you will. Stephen Fry is talking to me, telling me I need to run and jump and something about the power of imagination. I can't argue with that sort of symphonious verbosity, so I paint myself orange, slip on a tuxedo, wax my handlebar moustache and start pushing my face into sponge blocks.

After collecting enough magic bubbles I decide to become a miniature god and create a thriving two-dimensional metropolis. Unfortunately, all I manage is a rather stylish two-seater couch, a glass pit filled with beach balls, and a rocket-powered wheel of twisted, fiery doom and rubber bands.

Pushing deeper into the felt-coated universe I get the chance to save the princess, drive around the world on a go-kart and aid in the sacking of Troy. I also get to make funny faces.

WHOOSH.

And I get dropped into the middle of a war zone. War never changes. Except when they add unmanned bipedal tanks that have disturbing lady legs and make noises like dairy cows right before they rip your face off and push your intestines into your throat, so the last thing you taste before you die is the decaying waste from your own breakfast.

Now I'm lying in the centre of the street with two proxy military forces trading bullets using the power of an octopus to pretend to be invisible.

I'm old, but I wasn't old before. It has something to do with a virus injected into me by a doctor who was working for the army, but secretly working for the Russians, but secretly working for her zombie cyborg ninja brother who was also my best friend... or something. Otacon keeps calling me on my brain phone and telling me how to do a forward roll. Later he can change my adult diaper.

So the Playstation 3. It's pretty cool, I guess. IF YOU LIKE AWESOME. Heavy Rain, Little Big Planet and Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots are all currently available on PS3.

What gamespace have you been in lately? And what PS3 games would you recommend?

Andy is on PSN (Zwuh) and Xbox LIVE (Zwuh). He likes his games like he likes his women: exciting, fun and a little bit easy.

- © Fairfax NZ News