When your ass eats your pants

01:27, Apr 14 2009

Don't you hate hungry ass syndrome?

That is, when you're walking along and someone in front of you is perilously close to losing their chinos to a ravenous backside that seems to be progressively swallowing them.

It makes me feel distinctly uncomfortable. My own pants start to feel as though they're riding up and disappearing into my backside and I unconsciously start pulling at the seat of my trousers to prevent such a state.

Don't you hate hungry ass syndrome?

That is, when you're walking along and someone in front of you is perilously close to losing their chinos to a ravenous backside that seems to be progressively swallowing them.

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It makes me feel distinctly uncomfortable. My own pants start to feel as though they're riding up and disappearing into my backside and I unconsciously start pulling at the seat of my trousers to prevent such a state.

I walk behind people and see this phenomenon and wonder, how does that feel? Why didn't your flatmate/partner/neighbour/bus driver warn you that in half an hour your ass would have consumed your trousers?

It's one fashion faux pas that I just can't understand.

Surely as you walk briskly through a clammy summer afternoon you can feel your shorts starting to climb above their station. The seams around your thighs must start to stretch. The reverse creep of your lower outfit would start to cut off the circulation to your groin.

It happens to me with boxer shorts from time to time, but fortunately you can't see it from the outside (I hope). I end up shuffling into a corner and surreptitiously trying to realign the offending garment, firstly by tugging at the thighs through my pants, then if that doesn't work resorting to more direct measures that I won't go into here. But I do something about it. I can't stand it. I wear pants to cover my butt, not to feed it. 

I just want to rescue these poor souls whose choice of derriere-cladding for the day is in a fight to the death with their own carnivorous cheeks.

But what would you do?

Run up behind them, grab a handful of trouser-seat and yank? It's akin to giving them a wedgie (regardless of whether they are in danger of giving themselves one if they don't do anything). I gave, and received, enough wedgies at school to last a lifetime.

So what? Should you sidle up beside them and cough quietly… "Ahem, do you have the time? Only 10.30? Strange, your ass seems to think it's lunchtime."

Or be more blunt perhaps. "Don't look now, but there is an alien hiding in your bum that is devouring your pants. Do you need some help?" 

It's mainly a summer thing. Hungry bums tend to hibernate in winter, and give the pants of the world a respite to regroup, rest and prepare for the next season.    

The question is: are these people you see - and the ones like me who you don't see - hapless victims of the pant-eating bottom monster? Or are we turning a blind eye and thus complicit in our disregard for the poor defenceless trouser seats out there?

Should there be a public education campaign? Should school kids be taught how to spot it early? Should perpetrators be fined?

I fear it is with us to stay, and it is but one of the unfortunate circumstances brought about by people dressing in ill-fitting clothes.

What other clothing catastrophes do you know? Muffin top? Camel toe? Shrunken-trouser leg?