When your ass eats your pants

Last updated 13:02 11/03/2009

Munch munch trouser lunchDon't you hate hungry ass syndrome?

That is, when you're walking along and someone in front of you is perilously close to losing their chinos to a ravenous backside that seems to be progressively swallowing them.

It makes me feel distinctly uncomfortable. My own pants start to feel as though they're riding up and disappearing into my backside and I unconsciously start pulling at the seat of my trousers to prevent such a state.

I walk behind people and see this phenomenon and wonder, how does that feel? Why didn't your flatmate/partner/neighbour/bus driver warn you that in half an hour your ass would have consumed your trousers?

It's one fashion faux pas that I just can't understand.

Surely as you walk briskly through a clammy summer afternoon you can feel your shorts starting to climb above their station. The seams around your thighs must start to stretch. The reverse creep of your lower outfit would start to cut off the circulation to your groin.

It happens to me with boxer shorts from time to time, but fortunately you can't see it from the outside (I hope). I end up shuffling into a corner and surreptitiously trying to realign the offending garment, firstly by tugging at the thighs through my pants, then if that doesn't work resorting to more direct measures that I won't go into here. But I do something about it. I can't stand it. I wear pants to cover my butt, not to feed it. 

I just want to rescue these poor souls whose choice of derriere-cladding for the day is in a fight to the death with their own carnivorous cheeks.

It is wise to periodically check for ‘hungry ass’But what would you do?

Run up behind them, grab a handful of trouser-seat and yank? It's akin to giving them a wedgie (regardless of whether they are in danger of giving themselves one if they don't do anything). I gave, and received, enough wedgies at school to last a lifetime.

So what? Should you sidle up beside them and cough quietly… "Ahem, do you have the time? Only 10.30? Strange, your ass seems to think it's lunchtime."

Or be more blunt perhaps. "Don't look now, but there is an alien hiding in your bum that is devouring your pants. Do you need some help?" 

It's mainly a summer thing. Hungry bums tend to hibernate in winter, and give the pants of the world a respite to regroup, rest and prepare for the next season.    

The question is: are these people you see - and the ones like me who you don't see - hapless Fashion victim or fashion criminal?victims of the pant-eating bottom monster? Or are we turning a blind eye and thus complicit in our disregard for the poor defenceless trouser seats out there?

Should there be a public education campaign? Should school kids be taught how to spot it early? Should perpetrators be fined?

I fear it is with us to stay, and it is but one of the unfortunate circumstances brought about by people dressing in ill-fitting clothes.

What other clothing catastrophes do you know? Muffin top? Camel toe? Shrunken-trouser leg?

27 comments
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Janine   #1   10:40 am Feb 17 2009

Can someone please enlighten me: I get 'shrunken trouser leg' but 'muffin top' and 'camel toe'?? What are these heinous misdemeanours? I need to make sure I'm not committing them!!

Leah   #2   11:01 am Feb 17 2009

@ Janine

Muffin Top is where someone is fat but they either are blissfully unaware or just in denial, and they wear pants which are too tight around the waist, and as a result the fat has to go somewhere so it squeezes over the top of the tight pants. It looks like a muffin that has over run the top of the little paper cup muffins come in.

And camel toe is something that can only happen with a female (think about the difference between males and females) and it looks like a camels toe. I really don't know how far I should go with this explanation.....

Someone keeps ringing my boss' phone, which is forwarded to me, and every time I answer they hang up. I am getting really annoyed. I always answer his phone, btw, so if they're waiting for him to answer they're in for a long wait.

Kris Per   #3   11:04 am Feb 17 2009

According to my knowledge, muffin top refers to the area around the waist that seems to bulge if a person wears too tight a pant (giving the impression of the topof the muffin spilling over the edge when its baked) ....usually noticeable in women more than men......camel toe is also something experienced by women where the fork of their trousers ride up....well....lets just say its the opposite of the ass being hungry lolz...

Trev   #4   11:06 am Feb 17 2009

Janine,

Muffin top: the ever so common train wreck that is where a not so slim individual, normally of the female persuasion, has there tummy spilling over the top of their trousers like a muffin erupting from its paper wrapper.

Camel Toe: Think of this as your "front bum" eating your pants.

sara   #5   11:07 am Feb 17 2009

Hungry Bum, PUC or (my personal favourite) Taking in Laundry, I'm sure we've all been guilty of it at some time. But what to do when the horror occurs? It's not very ladylike to have a dig in public view, but also not always convenient to duck for cover. You could always do a Rafael Nadal and perform the pre-emptive pant tug every few minutes but that looks silly too. Unfortunately I think sensible knickers are the only way to go.

MsM   #6   11:16 am Feb 17 2009

Muffin tops are pretty bad, but I'd rather that than the opposite, where someone's pants are too loose and you keep seeing their crack. This can also happen if the pants are tight hipsters and your hips push them down. I also can't stand when someone's top has come up for some reason and their gut is hanging out. Or boys with the baggy pants so their boxers show, or girls who wear hipster pants with high-waisted g-strings, eeew! On a milder note, if I see someone with the tag from their shirt sticking out or their shirt collar not folded down I'll fix it for them, but you can't do the same when it's the pants tag can you? Expecially at work... hello workplace harassment complaint!

Lovefoxxx   #7   11:17 am Feb 17 2009

@ Leah - oh to be so blissfully naive as to think there's no male equivalent to a cameltoe...! *sicks a little in mouth*

Beks   #8   11:49 am Feb 17 2009

A favourite from my school days: Flood Warnings. Pants that are too short, thusly exposing the wearers ankles. Especially attractive when said trousers are accompanied by white socks.

Jodie   #9   12:33 pm Feb 17 2009

Mumble pants - as far as I know, only on women wearing lycra shorts. 'You can see the lips moving but you can't hear a thing'. Similar to camel toe but the explanation makes me laugh every time.

Alice   #10   12:42 pm Feb 17 2009

Someone with a quicker wit than me will be able to come up with a name for this one. Term 4 of Form 2, Mum was trying to get away with not buying me a new summer uniform for school, but puberty had been cruel over winter and my shoulders and boobs were almost busting the seams. I wasn't able to lift my arms above my shoulders for the last 2 months of intermediate school. It was like a cross between a straightjacket and a sausage casing.


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