Bully to you Nu Zild
BY NICK CHURCHOUSE
In a stark contrast rarely seen on The Lost Boys, my latest post on my childhood bully pulled out some nasty local flavour in the comments, which grated against Lane's stomach-curdling romantic novel of a post yesterday about the getaway he took with his French lover Pierre.
Lane's idyllic depiction of the sanctity of New Zealand's blissful landscapes, postcard destinations and accessible natural beauty worthy of being called Godzone provided a stark contrast to the flavour of bullying and persecution that was hinted at in the reactions to a tale of schoolyard bullying.
It seems while we live in the closest place to Heaven on Earth, we seem to be far from a bunch of angels.
While I was talking about schoolyard bullying, something that is as old as Noah's Ark and probably will continue to torment youngsters right through to Buck Rogers' kids in the 25th century, the scary incidence of workplace and societal bullying was brought up too often for peace of mind.
One regular commenter scared me with an admission of regular injuries through bullying, which we clarified was not at the hands of her partner, who is apparently a loving and supportive dude.
But an email conversation with Caitlyn transpired and I found myself staring down the barrel of a nasty illustration of New Zealand society, namely that where the odd-one-out gets the bash.
This is not a new concept - it happens all over the world, in human and animal worlds. It happens for any variety of reasons, and is rampant in the lesser developed areas of our communities and our psyches.
But the thing that shocked me is that downtown Wellington, which I perceive as a relatively diverse and tolerant community, turns out munters that like to give different folk stick, and sometimes actually take to them with a stick.
Does the compassion, generosity and human decency that we offer a mother struggling with two children diminish when we are faced with two lesbians struggling with a child, or diminish again when we are faced with two gay men who cuddle in public, or do we lose it all together when faced with a happy couple walking home on Tory St, one of whom happens to be transsexual?
Because apparently that's not an unusual story in Caitlyn's life.
And it makes me sad.
The stories of workplace bullies are horrific, the rugby head persecution at boys colleges is prolific, and the general lack of humanity that exist in pockets of New Zealand society is the chalk that is not very well hidden behind the sweet cheese of hospitality and friendliness we paint for tourists and visiting politicians.
I'm lumping us all in the melting pot, and some people will throw their arms up in protest - "I don't do that, I abhore that". Well, sunshine, I'm sorry to say we are a nation of 4 million. That's a mid-sized community in the greater scheme of things and the oft-chuckled fact we know everyone by 2 degrees here in Nu Zild, also means you're not far from the violence, abuse and psychological torment that simmers below the surface.
And if you're that close, you've pretty much got to take some responsibility for it. We're all part of the fabric.
I don't want to bore you with preachy banalities about how we should all be nicer to each other, but I want to reflect on the truth beneath the facade.
Our reflections are pretty honest, but sometimes I think we proud Kiwis throw an All Black jersey over the mirror and crack open another cold one, hoping it will all go away and we can just have a barbie.
I do it. You do it. I bet Caitlyn does it from time to time. It's just that she keeps getting reminded of the ugly honesty when she walks down the street and someone doesn't like the fact she's not like everyone else.
She asked me to mention that today happens to be a day commemorating the victims of transgender hatred and discrimination.
I'll bet each one of us could tell a story that might inspire a commemoration of the lost happiness, the crushed hopes, the destroyed confidence and the smashed lives of someone that got on the wrong side of prejudice.
Some of you say bullying will live on eternally, and I can't argue, but the very least we can do is stand up for our brothers and sisters in the playground, our workmates in the office, our neighbours in the street and the strangers who need us to.
We could hang our heads in shame for knowing it goes on under our noses. or we could hold our heads high knowing that we'd rather step in when it happens, and perhaps take one on the chin for someone we barely know but feel a touch more deserving of being called human.
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I found out today my 12 year old niece has been pulled out of her school because she's the target of bullying from a gang of 31 other students (her entire class). It's organised, vicious and includes physical assault, verbal abuse (the class will only refer to her as "the ugly bitch"), death threats and cyber-bullying. Of course the school won't do anything about it.
Why is she the target? She is a talented, high-achieving and very capable young lady. Successful in extra-curricular activities with national exposure. This isn't happening in some low-decile school - it's happening in an up-market suburb. So all this is coming from kids who are simply jealous of a tall poppy.
New Zealand - you disgust me.
I'm not sure there will ever be a society, culture or group without marginalisation of a certain set of people. Its something basic about human nature and comparing ourselves to each other and identifying as one who belongs as opposed to one who doesn't. Its ridiculous really but almost comparable to a runt in a litter or a lone wolf.
As soon as you acknowledge that its wrong you become one of the outcast particularly when you're in a smaller group setting or within the school system. I remember dreading to go to school every day from about age six to age 17. I now work in a large government organisation which is almost as bad in some respects although nothing outright goes on there are a lot of comments made by people that over step the line between good humour and bullying but not quite enough to lodge a PG, plenty of backstabbing and gossip and drama.
I see bullying on these blogs very regularly! Some people disagree with other comments but are nice about it. Other people are just plain rude (and bullying) and want to shut people down. So i'm all for trying to be a bit nicer on here and hope other people follow suit.
Well said. "the oft-chuckled fact we know everyone by 2 degrees here in Nu Zild, also means you're not far from the violence, abuse and psychological torment that simmers below the surface." +1
Wow, honestly I don't know who could've written that better.
I commented the other day about the same thing but I am a huge believer in Karma....all those people that enjoy bullying will have it come back to them x3 at some point in their lives. It's so hard to go through it, one can't just keep ignoring it in the hope it will go away and Caitlyn, it is horrible to hear that people are treating you this way. I feel for you but hope you can continue to hold your head high. I earnestly pray for your strength and to keep the faith in yourself.
Nick, you make me proud. I've often slagged off the topics you post in this blog but your last two have been awesome.
Most of my bullying at school stemmed from the fact I wasn't a stand by and watch kind of kid. It grew out of the fact there were a group of my classmates serially victimising one girl, so I used to step in and then they would star on me. Looking back it was horrific, and the worst part is that the teachers just bloody wouldn't DO anything.
Anyway, that was a hundred years ago... I'd still step in though.
Caitlyn, if you read this I don't know what to say. Please know not all of us Wellingtonians would judge you and in my case I'd look at you and your partner and think 'nice one, they look really happy'.
Again Nick, thanks. Happy Friday everyone!
Nick, this was so well written. A really thought provoking piece. I am also really shocked that this sort of thing goes on in our home town. I truly thought people were generally past such disgusting behaviour (except sometimes in schools, where I know bullying can still be rife). Caitlyn, and others, I'm so sorry that there are so many people treating you like this.
It's one of those situations where I feel helpless. What can I do other than not being a bully myself, and speaking up if I see it happen? How do we fix this?
Paul #12,
Schools have many policies and procedures to address bullying. But that is all they are. When it comes to the crunch they always side with the bully, as this is a lot easier. This country has many laws but no teeth.
What parents need to do is make a right royal pain of themselves publicly embarrassing the school into action. They just want to sweep it under the carpet and hope you will go away, so if you are going away, make sure you have a sting in your tail.
If the bullying involves any sort of physical assault, don't muck around with the school, go straight to the police and demand charges are laid if they are over 16, if under demand referral to youth aid.
I too have stepped up and protected people, sometimes friends and sometimes strangers... and sometimes against the kinds of numbers where if things go wrong it's not going to be pretty.
Two things: Firstly, if EVERYONE standing around watching says this isn't right and makes it known, we collectively have a much better chance of things stopping before they start.
Secondly, get the schools sorted out. An ex-girl friends father went to the same single sex school I did. So did one of my employees older than I am.
The description of the bullying was identical despite there being a window of well over 25 years between us attending. It has been in the papers recently too, about the bullying that goes on in the boarding houses there.
I was lucky. When I stood up for myself, others backed down (mostly). Others were not. If you can't help physically or verbally, then report it. Note down everything. Times, dates, the works. Give it to the people who can make a difference.
When bullying occurs, it leaves a little stain on the soul and no one is immune. Not the perpetrator, the victim, or the people who stand by and do nothing.
This sort of thing makes my blood boil. My heart goes out to Caitlyn.
One question though - Nick did getting punched back after teasing someone really stop you from bullying? It seems to me that retaliating in the same way can more than likely escalate the situation and bring on more problems?