On bunnies, ben wa balls and death
BY NICK CHURCHOUSEOld, decrepit, divorced in unreasonable frequency, rumoured to be in financial strife and now self-admittedly incontinent, Hugh Hefner still has it.
The Playboy Don, now 83, might have a few emerging problems with handling a life of decadence and hedonism founded on the original centrefold, but he still knows how to drive the ordinary man crazy with envy.
I posted once about my near-death experience, stuck in a pitch black submerged cavern deep below Takaka Hill with three panicky divers to manage, but Mr Hefner puts me to shame.
For a guy who admits he spends most of his time in bed, eating, playing, watching movies and fornicating, one might expect that you could at least get one up on the old dog with a hard-core near death experience that he couldn't match.
But no.
"What is the closest I've come to death? There was a moment when I was having sex with four Playmates and I almost swallowed a Ben Wa ball.," Mr Hefner says.
Here's the cake, Mr Hefner. Please take it. Just take it and go away.
The Playboy Mansion has been like this adolescent dream since I discovered my first Playboy magazine, back in the 80s.
Back then a soft focus pin up spread of Sally-Rae Summers was enough to take my breath away and leave my heart thumping in my chest, further fuelled by the sub-duvet torch-lit midnight viewing sessions.
As you get older, the soft dulcet curves of a Playboy centrefold makes way for other things (pick your fetish) but no doubt it remains the romantic empire of recreation that epitomised bliss for many a young Generation X'er.
The playmates, the playwives, the parties, the slippers, the smoking jacket and the infamous and mysterious Playboy Mansion grotto. What a world, and what would we have given to hold our 18th birthdays there?
Now grown men, most of us claim to have matured and become more focused on world events, landscaping and professional development (yep, that's what we all do, yessiree).
But not Mr Hefner.
He's content to slope around in his pyjamas, ordering his Metamucil, grapefruit and bran breakfasts into his boudoir.
My favourite possession is my toolbox. His is his rotating round bed. It says a lot.
Some people look at him and see a sad old man. "He can't be happy," they'd say. Most men in mixed company would nod sagely and frown in agreement.
"What a life," they'd say, shaking their heads in consternation.
But I'd hazard a guess most would be thinking "WHAT A LIFE!!!! Hef! You rock the universe you horny old dude!!! Can I mow your lawns?!!!? Please!?!"
Can he possibly be sad? It is theoretically possbile that a life spent in bed with a bevy of Playmates might not stack up to earning a Nobel prize or saving an orphanage from Arabian child slave dealers. But, you know, you have to pick your fights.
Can spending your life dedicated to your own carnal pleasure and exploitation of naked women, whether on a rotating round bed or in the foldout pages of an international magazine (with great articles I must add) be rewarding?
And would choking on a ben wa ball while grappling with four Playmates constitute an honourable death?
- © Fairfax NZ News
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An honourable death, I'm not sure. That's got to depend on your definition of honourable. But it's surely the way most blokes would want to go, and it's hilarious for the rest of us. I think whatever your take on the Playboy empire you've got to admire the horny old bugger for managing to orchestrate such a successfully, completely hedonistic life. And for the fact that he can manage it at his age.
Not sure if it is honourable, but certainly one hell of a way to go!
You know he's just going to take that cake and smear it all over some quivering young nymphette's naked bits.
I'd be happy if my only near-death experience involved sex with four Playboy Bunnies. Actually I'd be thrilled if my cause of death involved sex with four Playboy Bunnies...
From watching Girls of the Playboy Mansion (for the tits you understand, not the plot), I am assuming his set up is that he's basically the parcel in a game of pass the parcel played exclusively by models.
Whomever is holding him when he dies, gets to go to court for all his posessions. In 'murrica the land of the free (ride).
I go for the sad old man theory. I'm sure viagra has a lot to answer for. As for ben-wa balls (yes I do know what they are) there's no way they'd be going anywhere near my mouth let alone getting in enough to choke on.
I don't get all the blonde, surely if you were gunna have multiple mrs's you'd go for a bit of variety? S'pose tho at his age, if they all look the same it's easier so's to not get confused.
God Bless Mr Hefner! He may lead a hedonistic lifestyle but have you ever heard of one of his bunnies complain that they were treated badly? No. Mr Hefner know how to treat the ladies! Any man that can keep more than one girlfriend on the go at the same time, take them all out on the town together and be smiling the next day must be doing something right and maybe you blokes should be taking a closer look at Mr Hefner and how he operates!
Any man who spends his life with that many women around, with all the PMT and b*tching etc that goes with it... deserves all the happiness he can get. Go Hugh!!
But I'd venture he can definitely be sad. There's a big difference between sexual fulfilment (which leaves you wanting to get out of bed, shower and leave), versus emotionaly fulfilment (which leaves you wanting to wake up with someone, over and over again).
But then as a chick, I've probably got it all wrong anyways.
Sydneysider "have you ever heard of one of his bunnies complain that they were treated badly?" Actually yes, there was an article after one of the interchangable blondes (possibly Kendra?) left where she said that it was a sexless relationship, they hardly ever saw him other than for screen appearances, and they had to account for their movements 24/7. Sounded like a real control freak.
To each their own - if he's a fairly shallow person then it's probably a very contented life he leads. I wouldn't say that he hasn't achieved much though, he might not have saved a third world country from extinction or cured cancer but he has made his mark.
Really he's just like any other guy, he gets attatched to women and is sad when they leave him, the only difference is he's getting away with being polygamous where most other men only wish they were.