My brain explosions
BY KERRY WILLIAMSON - The Dominion PostI dropped the boy on his head the other day.
I didn't mean to - it just happened. I'd propped him up on the couch, stuck him between two cushions, sat on the floor in front of him and started pulling faces.
He thought it was pretty funny and he looked pretty secure. Then he fell forward, slipped off the couch and hit the hardwood floor.
I saw it happening all in slow motion, and I did all I could. I dove forward and managed to half catch him as he fell. But all I did was cushion the blow.
He made a horrible clunk when he hit the ground and I felt sick as I lifted him up and held him in my arms. He looked stunned, then let out a shriek and wailed for a good 30 seconds.
That was bad, but the wife's screams were probably worse. She yelled at me in her mad voice and took the boy out of my clutches. I'll never forget the look she gave me.
The boy had stopped crying by then and was even smiling a little. The wife, though, was in no mood for conciliation and whisked the boy into another room to dry his tears.
I felt absolutely awful. It was probably my worst moment as a dad. I had a lump in my throat just thinking about the lump that was bound to appear on the boy's head.
I'd hurt my boy.
The thing is, sometimes I forget that the boy is just a baby. I've gotten so comfortable with him that I forget he's just six months old and is still a fragile little creature that needs the utmost care and attention.
He's a tough little critter and we aren't parents who like to wrap their kids in cotton wool. But sometimes I have a brain explosion and put the boy in precarious positions that I should never place him in.
I carry him under one arm like a rugby ball, without thinking about what would happen if he squirmed a little too much.
I sit him down within arms reach of a pair of scissors, without thinking about what could happen if he got his little hands on them.
I let him scrunch up the newspaper and stick in his mouth, with little thought to the toxins that no doubt lurk in a day-old Dominion Post.
I let the dog walk all over the floor with her dirty paws before I lay the boy down and watch him try to lick the mat.
And I've dipped my finger in a pint of beer and let him taste it, without thinking about the effects of alcohol on a six-month-old brain.
I don't know why I do these things. I like to think that most of the time I'm a solid, dependable dad, that I look after the boy and make sure he comes to no harm.
But sometimes I mess up. And really, parenting is something that you should never mess up. There's just too much at stake.
Does this sort of stuff happen to everyone? Or am I just a bad parent sometimes? Do other people have brain explosions when it comes to looking after their kids, or am I just careless?
Looking after kids isn't easy. I knew that going into this, and I know it even more now, after a six-month trial by fire. There are a lot of things that can go wrong.
But surely I should know by now that leaving a baby propped up on a couch is not a good idea. And surely I should have learnt that if I leave the boy on his mat within rolling distance of a newspaper, he'll find it and stick it in his mouth.
I know that sometimes I'm a pretty good Dad. Like the other night, when I could hear the boy was having trouble sleeping because of his lingering cold. I couldn't bear it, so I pulled the cushions off the couch, grabbed a spare blanket and set up camp next to his cot.
I lay there all night, listening to his breathing and making sure it didn't stop. I didn't sleep much, but it was worth it just to ensure that the boy was OK.
The problem is, those good moments are so often negated by the stupid and downright irresponsible.
The boy was fine after his tumble off the couch. He didn't even have a bump and after a couple of minutes had forgotten all about it. The wife took a little longer to come around and I know she wonders about me sometimes.
I'm still a little scarred by the whole experience. I can still hear the clunk the boy made when he landed, can still see his scrunched up face and tiny tears. And I can still see the look he made when he looked back at me as the wife carried him away.
It was as though he was saying "Geez Dad, why did you do that to me?" It was a look of betrayal, a look that made me feel like I'd let my boy down.
I'm really sorry son, but sometimes I'm not the dad I want to be. All I can say is that I'll try and do better next time.
And if you do fall, I'll try even harder to catch you.
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My boys have learnt to sit which is great they will sit for hours happily gigling away. As soon as I turn my back to grab a drink or change the channel on tv or turn the heater down (Thats enough you get the idea) I hear a thump followed by the loudest cry ever. It is the most horrible thing ever. And I have even tried sitting them with there back to a chair so they dont go over backwards. But this is another brain explosion. the chair swivels. And bang. Not cool. They are fine within minutes, but im not. So dont worry you are not the only 1. Yes you feel like you are not that good at parenting but the one thing that I have learnt (thanks mum in law) is that if they smile afterwards they are ok.
Don't be so hard on yourself, we all have moments when we aren't as careful as we should be, its not that big a deal actually. I'm not advocating being blase about parenting, but give yourself a break, no one is super-parent, no matter how hard some try!!! And you'd be surprised how resiliant children are. My 15 month old is learning how to walk, she's forever tripping over and banging various body parts, but her body is designed to take the knocks and I have had to grow a thicker skin so I don't try and interfere with her learning process. It is hard to see you child suffer pain, but sometimes it is a necessary learning process. Good luck!
Poor you.. your kid will be fine Kerry, but you'll be in jail by the end of the week.
This is seriously some of your best material Daddy Cool. I love reading this blog . . . it makes me feel so close to you, The Wife and your little munchkin. On another note I am to blame for a major injury my boy sustained the other night, while on vacation. I was letting him stand up in the bath tub, without a bath mat, when he slipped and smacked his head into the faucet, then landed face down in the water. When he finally surfaced he didn't make a sound for what seemed like a minute. (That lack of sound, by the way, is way, way worse than any screams or wails). When the screaming and wailing finally came his dad ran into the room, also screaming and wailing (at me, of course) Initially it looked like he'd sliced open the bridge of his nose. It turned out to be a red string from the face cloth and he'd only (?) whacked the side of his head. He's fine, smarter than ever and not afraid of the tub . . . but I am seriously scarred for life!
I wouldn't worry. We have all dropped our children at some stage or turned our backs for just a second only for them to fall off the bed... even mums. They are hardy little things and its just as well. Wait till he's walking and then he will have lots of badges of honour on his forehead from his own escapades, walking into tables, loosing his balance as he negotiates the last step or falling over as he learns to walk right next to that pesky doorframe that someone put there. The good thing is, they don't remember any of it!