Bayonetta's vendetta better than expected

She stood in the doorway dressed in what looked like skin-tight black leather, librarian glasses perched on her nose, sporting a bust-line that could blot out the sun. Her hips swivelled like a pornographic carousel, her eyes suggested unsavoury activities. She carried four pistols - one in each hand and two attached to her feet. They appeared to be magic.

"Do you want to touch me?" she questioned.

I suspect she knew the answer. To be honest, I originally assumed Bayonetta would be disastrously average. On the surface it looked like the creators of the demon-slaying, gun-slinging, acrobatic combo-fest that was the Devil May Cry series had learned just one new trick: boobs.

The 2008 Tokyo Game Show trailer opened with Bayonetta straddling a statue, before the camera molested her crotch and she jumped down to kill a dozen angels, fire her foot-guns in mid air, flash her crotch again, and then strip naked.

Further research reveals that Bayonetta is a witch of some sort who hunts angels. Her outfit is, in fact, not leather but her own hair wrapped around her body. Her combo attacks involve all the hair leaving her skin and turning into something big and dangerous like a fist or a spiked death-wheel. Her passing resemblance to Governor-Celebrity-Idiot Sarah Palin is distracting. When she jumps, purple and pink butterfly wings sprout from her back. She has a British accent and her head is bizarrely small compared to her body. And, to reiterate, she gets naked to fight.

Trash, you might think. Pointless, sexist nonsense for horny teenage boys - i.e. gamers, those low-down scum.

Despite that (and because I own a set of male organs) I downloaded the demo. Surprisingly, it's the best slice of sex and violence I've played for ages.

The action opens on a broken piece of clock tower hurtling off a cliff. In seconds, you're slicing evil-looking angels in half and being fired on by flying snakes. Baby-faced monsters are shooting fireballs at you. You're juggling flying beasts with your feet and thrusting your pelvis for no reason. Explosion.

Oops, that was a dream. You're on a train and strutting down the aisle when a mysterious voice says something mysterious. Off the train, you're now in a station for angels... I think. Transparent figures flee from your sexy kicking. At the fountain, a squad of warrior angels attacks and you defeat them with a combination of whirlwind combos and shooting them with a magical trumpet. Bayonetta continues to inflict fatal nudity on her foes.

A giant ugly whatever emerges from the ground and tries to cut you in half with an axe. Deftly timed dodges slow down time itself and let you punch the behemoth to bits. To finish it off, our lady removes her clothes and makes a hair-based dragon to bite it in half. If you're playing, this all makes perfect sense. If you're watching, it looks like a carnival clown vomiting into a bucket of live fireworks.

Bayonetta is now my Favourite Thing of the Moment, and may actually turn out to be the best action game since sliced bread, with its high-speed craziness and smooth-yet-furious combat. The game is out January 8th. Did I mention the nudity?

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matt   #1   12:11 pm Dec 11 2009

i can tell why you love this game just wondering what your wife thinks of all this nudity

Mrs Astruc   #2   01:44 pm Dec 11 2009

WHAT?! NUDITY?!

That filthy boy!!

amber   #3   09:46 pm Feb 09 2010

I love this game just one problem, its very easy to beat even on the hardest difficulty. Overall its a very sexual and girlie game:)

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