Welcome to Nu Zild

By LANE NICHOLS - The Dominion Post
Last updated 09:16 19/11/2009

The Rolling Stones famously labelled our fair nation ''the arsehole of the earth''.

Well to be fair they were referring to Invercargill specifically, so their crass sentiment was not too far off the mark.

But the boys from Britain were probably off their cakes on illicit non-prescription substances and their scenic judgement was in all probability badly impaired.

I've been to most far flung corners of our paradise-like Lord of the Rings hinterland and let me tell you: by and large they resemble much more attractive parts of my anatomy.

Don't get me wrong  Aotearoa sure has its drawbacks.

With just a few million inhabitants inbreeding is rife and many of us have been beaten beyond recognition with the ugly stick  case in point: Tom.

Our horrible accents make us the laughing stock internationally. We can't pronounce vowels without sounding like under-privileged Australians or strangled cats, and far too many of us still wear mullets.

Our sports teams are prone to failure of horrific proportions (the gallant All Whites a notable and recent exception) and it takes at least two days by air or six weeks by ship to get anywhere half decent for a vacation.

Though renowned for its scenic splendour, most of the time Nu Ziland's incremental weather is so miserable, we may as well be hibernating in a London flat.

Our paltry urban centres lack the fabulous electric fable of major international cities, but we make up for it with our dizzying domestic violence statistics, youth suicide and teenage pregnancy rates.

But there's nothing like a radial down south to renew your faith in being Kiwi and remind you how lucky we are to live on these hallowed yet isolated shores.

I've just had an old friend visiting from New York and took him for a blat down the mainland to see the sights.

Armed with a gutless 1100cc Nissan Pulsar hire car dubbed ''the silver bullet'', Pierre and I journeyed through Queenstown, Wanaka and all the way to Milford Sound.

It's funny how it takes an overseas visitor to get me off my ass to visit what is arguably the most beautiful part of the country.

We trekked into a mountain hut and drank expensive Italian red wine from plastic cups next to a river.

We threw ourselves out of a plane and gazed down upon the Wanaka landscape and snow capped mountains as we hurtled towards the earth at 200 kmh.

We gulped beer next to a pub fire beside Lake Wakatipu and sampled pinot noir at one of Central Otago's best vineyards.

We negotiated the treacherous Te Anau-Milford road and Homer Tunnel and were feasted upon by swarms of hungry sandflies.

We sailed upon a mist-shrouded Milford Sound, dwarfed by the fiord's flanking mountains and gigantic waterfalls, as seals and dolphins played beneath us in the water.

We were then whisked up to Waiheke Island to savour delicious vintages of Man o War vineyards among thegrapevines in the most magical of coastal settings.

It doesn't get much better than that.

So while we may reside in a slightly backward hick country of cultural cringe, dodgy fashion and red necks with a fetish for farmyard animals or their own kin  at least we have the great outdoors.

What's your favourite part of the country?

54 comments
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Amy   #1   09:34 am Nov 19 2009

"Our horrible accents make us the laughing stock internationally. We can't pronounce vowels without sounding like under-privileged Australians or strangled cats" I never have heard you speak, but in my experience, more often than not people say our accents are more sophisticated than Australians, but my mum taught me to speak properly. NZ is more and more like Hawaii... the scenery is magnificent, but turn your eyes from the scenery to the houses, it is a different story. Only now are people building properly insulated homes, considering that New Zealand is the last stop to Antarctica it is a sad thing. And on that note, I do not have a favorite piece of NZ, I am not living there right now, so it is all my favorite

Don 1   #2   09:44 am Nov 19 2009

When I first arrived here I thought i'd come to the Thrid World. FLying into Wellington I noticed wooden houses with tin roofs - or barns as we knew them back home. Once on the ground, I spied children running around barefoot and had to be prevented from throwing small change at them. I thought they were paupers. Once I'd adjusted, it got a bit better, of course, and I fell in love with the whole Taupo area at first sight and it hasn't left me yet. I love every bit of it from the Desert Road summit to Aratiatia.

Que?   #3   09:51 am Nov 19 2009

Heh, nice post Lane.

I don't have one favourite part of the country but in amongst the bits I like are Dunedin... sure isn't for the weather, probably the beautiful beaches, the access to the Catlins and the tramping you can do nearby, the way the city lights up when it's a beautiful day.

Driving into Wellington, when you round the point and the city looks all laid out in front of you. That's cool. Petone is nice too for a day away... Kapiti is fantastic, and I love the birdsong that rises off Kapiti Island of an early morning. Spent some time walking the beach at Waikanae in early autumn, it was about 7am and there was mist everywhere and it was stunning.

There's something to be said for lounging on a beach in Devonport and looking at Rangitoto Island, and just to cap the list I have a few hidden parts of central otago I love as well. True isolation and silence, I hope it's still like that!

Nice post Lane :-)

Thalia   #4   10:08 am Nov 19 2009

I didn't think the New Zealand accent was that bad actually, what I cannot abide is some of the colloqualisms that have developed in recent years and the inability of some people to use actual words instead of some kind of pidjin (especially when english is their first language)on the other hand people regularly ask me if I am from another country because I sound like I have an accent.

I'm not sure I have a favourite place in New Zealand, I like the night and day nature of bits of New Zealand the vast difference between West and East coast and how you can drive for thirty minutes from any city and be in the country (or perhaps the waitakere ranges).

Jenny   #5   10:08 am Nov 19 2009

"We trekked into a mountain hut and drank expensive Italian red wine from plastic cups next to a river.

We threw ourselves out of a plane and gazed down upon the Wanaka landscape and snow capped mountains as we hurtled towards the earth at 200 kmh.

We gulped beer next to a pub fire beside Lake Wakatipu and sampled pinot noir at one of Central Otago's best vineyards.

We negotiated the treacherous Te Anau-Milford road and Homer Tunnel and were feasted upon by swarms of hungry sandflies.

We sailed upon a mist-shrouded Milford Sound, dwarfed by the fiord's flanking mountains and gigantic waterfalls, as seals and dolphins played beneath us in the water.

We were then whisked up to Waiheki Island to savour delicious vintages of Man o War vineyards among thegrapevines in the most magical of coastal settings."

-- Sounds awfully romantic. :)

NoAngel   #6   10:19 am Nov 19 2009

I consider Wellington as beautiful and laid back as Melbourne or Vancouver. You can stick cosmopolitan cities like London etc where the sun don't shine.

I love that NZ has green spaces everywhere, and within 10 minutes from home, I can be walking in bush and/or admiring views of the sea. I love Paekakariki, Otaki Forkes, Martinborough, Feilding, and the top of Mt Ruapehu (on a good day). Taupo, Napier and Christchurch are always awesome for a holiday too.

And we're a rocking and a rolling again today :)

student_still   #7   10:21 am Nov 19 2009

Well, personally, I LOVE Ashburton.

Nothing like a bit of rural ignorance, deep-seated racism, and thousands of old people to make a good, well-rounded community.

As a safe National electorate, it is a comfort to know that the interests of the socially inept rural masses are being looked after so well.

And with the beautiful man-made Lake Hood,as well as the stoney, rip filled and shark infested Wakanui Beach, and also the plentiful job opportunities at the Meat Works, Talleys Factory or local Macdonals, Ashburton is able to hum along like the great little metropolis that it is.

It is a sight to behold to see the desperate and dull housewives running 'errands' in their planet poluting SUVS, while their husbands go to work every-ish day, wearing airtex shirts and moleskins to run 'some generic business', while using this community 'status' to attempt to have political influence through the local council or School Board of Trustees. AND, if you're really lucky, their ignorant and spoilt child/children might become your school bully/bullies!

Ashburton - one of Canterbury's best kept secrets! (for a reason)

Des   #8   10:28 am Nov 19 2009

Waimarama and Ocean Beach - no where else comes close for me personally. I live and love Wellington, but have never felt so relaxed or at peace as I do in Waimarama. One of our best beaches in my own humble opinion. :)

JCC   #9   10:31 am Nov 19 2009

I love the green-ness of it all (except in a drought of course!). My faves have to be the coromandel and the east coast. Can't beat NZ beaches.

RedRulesAll   #10   10:37 am Nov 19 2009

Good post, Lane. Most days, I'd say the South Island rocks my world more than the North. However, can I just say - you took another break? Haven't you just been on holiday?? : )


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