Constructive criticism
By LANE NICHOLS - The Dominion PostA blog without respondents is like a neutered man in a Turkish brothel - going through the motions with no real purpose or hope of reaching a climax.
And as an online commentator I take solace in the wisdom and advice of my daily feedback - the good and the not so good.
I've spent the last day trawling through thousands of blog comments posted over the last two years on the narrative of my life.
Below is a smattering of your constructive criticism. Thanks guys.
On the Lost Boys blog:
Jessica: I don't think I have ever read such utter rubbish. The comments are entertaining though!
Jamie: Nothing's guaranteed to kill a buzz faster than reading a Lost Boys blog. Please, please be getting axed...
Panda Thunder: It is like reading about two Nana's on a craft buying trip to Warkworth. This blog needs a dose of testosterone STAT.
On my soap opera love life:
Caval: For gawd's sake SUCK IT UP ! Stop whinging like a emo pre-teen. It's life, get on with it you wuss.
Bob Dobalina: Do you hear that??...THAT'S the sound of once loyal blogees stampeding in a mass exodus towards Jane Yee's blog, never to return.
Aute: Your eloquent and beautiful tale of love and loss has melted my once jaded and cynical heart... thanks for sharing. Lane you are so sweet.
Nick: Are you sure you're not the ghost writer for a 14 year old girl?
Bored as well: I agree with Bored - stop indulging yourself and write something interesting!
On a reflective post about my scorpio horoscope:
Ben R: Is it just me or are you guys just copying Greer a few weeks later now? You've really "lost' your edge.
Mel: Pick your game up Lane. The other two are miles ahead of you.
On the estrogene fest that is World of Wearable Arts:
Arthur: We must presume Lane's bitchiness comes from some body parts being jammed in the closet door.
Arsenal: Just when you'd finally killed the gay rumours, you write this blog.....
On why I like Fridays:
Mel: God you need a better editor. Too many adjectives, similes and metaphors!
Paul: Ya know, I think Lane might have gotten laid last night. No one normally sounds so smugly pleased with themselves. Even on Fridays.
Que?: God Nichols, do you re-read what you write!!! I mean mate, I think you're great but... James K Baxter you ain't.
On crying my eyes out when my cousin left town:
Bob Dobalina: I can completely relate to this too. Without going into too much detail (...a pogo stick escapade gone wrong back in the early 90's) I lost my testicles too Lane.
On sleeping with my best mate's girlfriend:
Paul: Lane with every passing blog entry the geiger counter of your gayness crackles ever louder. Come out of the closet, we'll still be your fans and you might be a lot happier.
Lane Nichols: @ Paul E. Dangerously "We're all Bible bashing, prudish, self righteous Mormons for disagreeing with Lane?" Precisely
d24: 'Awesome blog'? Whatever, just a waste of space
On my warped views on the differences between men and women:
Kiwi Bloke: Well I:m a bloke and that article was a load of bollocks - a load of patronising drivel bud.
Kate Quail: What a boring, hackneyed view you have on the differences between men and women. It would be offensive if it wasn't so inane!
MJ: If you can't be original, at least be funny. If you can't be funny, at least be thought-provoking. If you can't be thought-provoking, please hand over your blog to someone who is at least one of the above.
On winning Lotto:
scrooge mcduco: That scraping sound you can hear is the bottom of the blog barrel. What would you do if you won lotto? Weak. Next time, hands up who likes ice cream.
SAM: i've never read this collumn before but you sound pretty full of yourself
Panda Thunder: What a trite and naive load of cack.
On losing love:
Jerry: Jeez - grow a pair for god's sake. This blog's descent into "The Adventures of the Corporate Emo Lads" is getting tiresome.
Guy: You should call this blog the lost girly girl boys
Paul: @guy. The Lost Balls perhaps?
Dave Martin: Now you can go to South America, root heaps of latin hookers and not have to worry about giving your Mrs the clap when you get back to Stinktown...
On the joys of masturbation - when I made controversial reference to making "groin hummus":
R: The term "groin hummus" made me spew a little in my mouth and reconsider my weekend plans to visit Cafe Istanbul (which WAS one of my favourite restaurants!)
master of my domain: Aren't there some topics that are just best left undiscussed? I will say that a post about self-gratification is pretty appropriate for this blog, given that it seems to be the primary purpose for it's existence.
China: My battery operated friend (Big Red) and I meet approx 2 times a week. (Female, 28 years)
Daz: I tend to rustle the muscle at least twice a week. But keep it clean, if you wallop the scallop in the shower, the KFC coleslaw dressing goes straight down the drain.
On the Lost Boys celebrating our one year anniversary:
MsM: Reading this blog is like peeling flaky paint off a garden shed; sometimes it's tedious and frustrating, but every now and then you get a big chunk off and unveil something interesting
Dan: This blog is about two homosexuals LOST and trying to find their way out of the closet... You guys hook up yet?
On the Lost Boys' romantic novella - Double Entendre:
Dan: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Have to be honest here... Story average at best - 3/10. As a whole it is nothing more than what a 15 year old could achieve. I can just picture the pair of you chuckling away - like imbeciles while you wrote this very low brow piece. You will no doubt make a poorly written attempt of an excuse - that this tripe was not a serious piece - granted that this is obvious. Time for your show to be axed...even About Town has more of a following. Being funny and trying to be funny are two very different things. You require some form of talent. Definitely stick to the day jobs while you have them as clearly you are both poor at that as well.
MsM: Dan, pull the sharp implement out of the offended orifice and step away from the keyboard...
On my failed attempt to give up alcohol for a whole month (I lasted 5½ days):
Kirry: Very disappointing. It's a little pathetic. I have my hand up as thinking you are a "spineless failure and closet alcoholic".
Leah: You have let your readers down, you've let me down, you've let yourself down. I feel so cheated
Darth Michael: Pathetic.
On taking up smoking again while holidaying in Paris:
Grossed Out: You loser
Nic: Totally and utterly pathetic. No respect.
Dave Martin: I Attribute your foray in smoking as simply your pretentious romantic delusions of a "cultured" Paris...Keep smoking your poncy cigarettes and discussing Satre and Camus with your wee Mrs - a few ciggies won't kill you, It will make you look like a twat
Nic: Will Lane have the willpower to forego cigarettes on his return to Wellington? NO, because he will be lonely and sad. He will cling to them like a pathetic reminder of all that he has lost. They will be his only true friend through the dark days ahead
On moving flat:
Mel: Yawn.
Justine: 35 years old and still flatting seriously sad. I'd bee concerned if I met a 35 year old guy that was still flatting. Dude, grow up.
On my hopeless addiction to chocolate:
Terri: Do they pay you to write this drivel?
Other random and unsolicited comments from adoring fans:
PS: The Lost Boys suck. I'd much rather actually do some work. And that's a big, big call.
Imogen: You two are such cliché-ridden Wellington-style geeks.
Thanks folks. Tune in tomorrow for the next riveting instalment...
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Hah Scooby Doo - now THAT was funny.
yeah, you do write some crap, but whenever I see you walking down the street my heart still skips a beat.. cause, like, you write a blog for stuff!! so you must be fully famous!
Are you totally out of ideas for a new blog that you need to regurgitate people's comments??? my gosh...
Baaaa ha ha ha ha. I laughed till I cried reading that. All so true. But I am still a loyal fan Lane - well to you and Nick anyway. I don't bother reading if it's Tom's turn...
You need to go and get a glass or five of wine to sob into, because you're not getting any sympathy here. You SO ask for, and deserve, the s--- you get.
Oh look, a flashback episode!
Ha ha ha ha! (Re-reading my comment).
Thanks Lane, I needed a laugh.
Awwah come on. If I really thought you were total poo I wouldn't bother reading. I think you're all pretty cool, even Tom was shaping up alright... er, you haven't killed him have you? He's been MIA a while now
I laughed so hard reading those comments again! Had tears in my eyes.
I think this is your best blog ever!
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I do believe somebody needs a hug.