They judge the talent, but who judges them?

BY JANE BOWRON

OPINION: 'Dude", as Randy from American Idol is wont to preface all his remarks with, "Dude - have you got a load of Paula Abdul lately? Check it out!"

If you know anything about Abdul's herstory you know that the former dancer/singer has had a couple of nasty accidents and as a result is on more prescription drugs than Elizabeth Taylor.

When she gets too wonderful and gushes obsequiously at contestants, Simon Cowell has often accused her of having had a drink or two before the show - which she denies vehemently.

Whatever she's on, or not on, the physical change in her from last season is marked.

Her skin looks like her face has been dragged across gravel and her eyes have a different slant - as if she's changed race.

As for the mouth, it has become so like a duck's bill you almost expect her to quack. I guess that's why they have introduced new female judge Kara DiGuardi (much to Abdul's objection) so they can phase Abdul out if she gets too crazy.

And that time can't be far off because even Cowell can't keep her under control.

His regular "I can't believe you just said that!" or "I don't understand a word of what you just said" refrains to her are now water off a duck's back as she throws her short arms in the air, points to the sky and predicts that two of the 12 of the original baker's dozen, yet to be eliminated, are going all the way to the final.

If she watches the show afterward surely she must see her behaviour is unhinged. It's definitely worth tuning in for, if only to have a look at the uncanny resemblance a contestant called Danny bears to Robert Downey Jr.

As was this week's Mythbusters (Prime, Monday), where the hirsute duo set out to prove wrong those, including this scribbler, who believe the moon landings were faked.

They constructed a tiny set as the former special effects spoilsports doggedly worked their way through the points in question proving: why the flag looked like it was waving in a breeze; why the astronaut was lit up while all around him was in shadow; why there was a footprint on the lunar surface.

But I still don't believe it happened. This mere mortal cannot take in the enormity of the giant leap for mankind and no amount of nifty recreations of the lunar environment are going to change her mind.

Anyway, the whole show is simply a glorified excuse for the men to show off their hat collection.

Speaking of which, didn't the girls in New Zealand's Next Top Model (TV3, Friday) look good in the Jean Batten cap when they posed on the plane?

This version of the American show is hilarious, and I must say I was impressed when Tiffany, who got wiped out in week one, gave Sara Tetro a bit of lip after she said unkind things about her use of a pole.

Apparently the decision has been controversial and New Zealand does not agree with the judges' decision.

Sara had it in for Tiffany when she first clapped eyes on her and gave her a ticking off for tan-line marks caused by sunbathing in board shorts, which would only have endeared her to a Kiwi audience.

That, and the fact that she was a volunteer firefighter.

There are two sisters included in the lineup and their sib riv is being milked for all it's worth as edited highlights of one sobbing sister, complaining about the emphasis on the competitive nature of their relationship, are continually screened. The girl has a point.

Colin Mathura-Jeffree, the judge who is most hands-on with the girls - if you'll excuse the expression when dealing with minors - has so much make-up on that your eyes keep wandering to his body to check he's not wearing a dress.

OK, men can wear a bit of Michael Laws (eyeliner) but royal blue eye shadow is very distracting. I guess he does have a hyphen so he thinks he can get away with it.

Colin is an amazing-looking specimen - he could be Sophia Loren's son - but when he's telling the girls how to pose he is gawky, his language a tad stiff.

Sara is no Tyra and lacks the vital maternal instinct. When the girls spot Sara and scream, they're not hollering at their idol, they're yelling because that's what the gang does on America's Next Top Model.

Sara, pronounced Sa-ra (how pretentious), is distant and unfunny. Sure Tyra is no comedian, but she has a warmth to her and her fruit-fly camaraderie with her gay cohorts seems genuine enough.

My favourite line of the show is at the very end when Sara says, in dirty old man-speak, "Come on then, show us yer photos", as the girls stand, their shoulders visibly slumping, while they are ruthlessly critiqued.

Frankly, I can't tell one girl from the other except for one who sports a frizzed blonde Hendrix hairstyle and has an unusual voice. The rest are just your average skinny girl in the street, but are way prettier than most of the girls on America's Next Top Model.

Pretty is not on the menu for Tyra & Co. They've seen so much pretty after seasons of unrelieved drop-dead gorgeous, their jaded appetite now desires freaks and geeks and girls with curves.

There is no fuller-figure girl or, more to the point, a pear-shaped one, in the Kiwi version but isn't that the body shape most Kiwi sheilas are blessed with? So where are our pears?

Let's hope they've remembered to include girls who belong to happy-clappy religions for the mandatory nude photo shoot.

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