Dear North, tell the paps to go but chat with mum first
Dear North West,
There's a video of you going around on the internet at the moment.
It shows you wearing one of your signature Balmain coats as you walk with an adult friend into the ballet studio where you have been taking classes for the best part of this year.
As you walk through the carpark outside, about 10 adult men start shoving cameras in your face, blocking your path.
"I said no pictures!" you say, in a move that has prompted headlines like "Here's North West yelling at paparazzi just like her dad" and "North West is a sassy little ballerina in adorable tutu as she heads to a dance class.
You are two years old and you are visibly upset.
Unfortunately, this is a pretty common scenario for you. The child of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, you really didn't have a choice in whether or not your every move would be documented by hordes of men with long lenses.
That's not to say your parents haven't made some effort to protect your privacy.
You are largely kept off the family's E! reality television show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
But, while you continue to appear in her Instagram feed and accompanying her to red carpet events, that's a bit of a moot point, because we've probably reached a point where it's reductive to call your mum a "reality television star".
Kim is best described simply as a "celebrity", and she isn't a celebrity who became famous for being a great actor or singer or athlete or physicist (kidding, kidding); she's a celebrity who became famous by being a great celebrity. She became famous because of her private life.
That means, while other celebrities can decry interest in their private life as invasive, your mum (and your aunts, and your grandparents) kind of can't.
Your family make a lot of money off their personal brands (roughly $US300 million – NZ$450 million – at last count), building profiles on social media and in public in order to make people think buying a book full of their selfies or a waist trainer they are being paid to promote is a good idea.
Your mum has professionalised her personal life.
She sees some problems with this, sure.
"I like sharing my world with people," she told Vogue Australia earlier this year. "Although I wish there could be just maybe a little bit more privacy just for our daughter.
"But it is what it is."
This "it" is your problem, North.
You could have more privacy, but you won't, because you are a part of your mother's personal life and, right now, that personal life is putting food on the table.
Let's take your tiny tots ballet career as an example. Your mum has been known to post pictures photographers took of you going to and from ballet on her Instagram account with funny captions, or details about where your clothes are from.
If you want photographers to stop taking your picture when you go to ballet class, your mum needs to stop giving those photographers a reason to hang around the carpark by promoting the pictures they take to her 50 million Instagram followers.
It would also help if she could dress you in something a little less... newsworthy.
Your Aunty Kendall is in a kind of high profile campaign for the Balmain collaboration with H&M at the moment, so when you step out wearing that brand, it makes photographers more likely to take your photo.
Russell Crowe has been known to get around this by wearing the same drab clothes every time he goes somewhere he thinks there might be paparazzi waiting for him, so that's an option.
Although they might not be as cool as your jackets (very few clothing items in the known universe are as cool as your jackets), a classic, ballet pink, lycra wrap-around is a popular option for class once the weather gets colder. You can keep it on during class, and, because it's stretchy, you will be able to get your arms up into fifth position (a feat which seems difficult in a military-inspired Balmain coat). Wins all (wrap-)around.
Another option is convincing your parents to publicly shame photographers into letting you go about your toddler life in peace.
The parents of another pretty famous two-year-old, Prince George, used this tactic earlier this year.
But, why would your parents do this when their famous family is such a big money earner?
Oh, and you could always ditch the House of Kardashian-West, but that never seems to work out too well (just ask your Uncle Rob).
In sum, North, it is pretty gross that, at two years old, the phrase, "I said no pictures!", is even in your vocabulary.
It's also pretty gross that you have to be harassed by hordes of men as you try to go to ballet class, in a process that Sienna Miller once assessed using the words: "Take away their cameras, and you've got a pack of men chasing a woman."
But, alas, your gripe is as much with your parents as it is with the paps.
- Sydney Morning Herald