The Christmas carol that should be retired is...
'Good King Wenceslas', or whatever it's called. Too many syllables. You try dropping 'Wenceslas' into
None. As I age myself I realise that great value comes with being old, out of date and a bit annoying.
'Hark the Herald Angels Sing'. Who are these angels? And why are they reading the Herald?
Any song by Harold Angel. My parents had his Christmas album Hark, Harold Angel Sings when
I was growing up and it scarred me for life.
Urzila Carlson: I don't mind carols; I mind Christmas albums. I make it my mission to hide all the Cliff Richard Christmas albums at my mother-in-law's house! Yucky
'Good King Wenceslas'. No matter what, I always sing 'Good King Wenceslaslas' and then get corrected by
family members. Also, how do you look out on the feast of Stephen? Why did Stephen put his feast outside? Too many questions.
Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
About two square metres of blue cloth from my brother. He said he was going to make me some mint shorts. He didn't. I still have a useless piece of blue material in my drawers, and nowhere to put my legs in summer.
Jar of sand. And a Shari Lewis sticker. One of my brothers, Nigel, gave them to me. There was a stage
where we would put our Christmas wish list on the fridge. It soon became a joke list which I thought was hilarious. Never expected anyone to take it seriously. Damn.
My brother wrapped up a marrow once and gave it to me on Christmas morning.
A month free gym membership (I got the same 'free' membership in my mailbox that week). Cheap ass.
A pair of hyper-colour undies from an unnamed family member. Hyper-colour is the fabric that turns
a different colour when exposed to heat. Needless to say I didn't model them.
Best Christmas gift you ever gave?
Probably that really expensive and well-thought-out thing to my fiancé. I can't remember exactly what it
was, but it was pretty awesome, and therefore I deserve to get that massive painting of an eagle landing on
a tiger mounted in the lounge.
A stuffed marrow to my brother the following year.
A dog. Nugget. A beautiful golden retriever. It was for Megan, to whom I am married. She loved it. I loved it
even more because it distracted her from having kids for a couple of years.
Urzila Carlson: Last Christmas my fiancé and I bought ourselves a house.
Dai Henwood: An iPad to my dad. He was well stoked. Probably the best gift I have given ever. You know it is a good gift when you want to keep it yourself.
When is it appropriate to unwrap socks and undies?
Always. You can't wear them if they're still in the wrapping paper. This question is weird.
When the day ends with a 'y'. I love socks and undies. Megan gave me a bulk load of them once in this giant
chest. Awesome. I'm still working my way through those. If you are giving undies, go merino. Amazing.
I tend to leave the wrapping paper on when it comes to socks and undies. It's more uncomfortable but it
helps to remember when you got them.
When you are in Farmers and you are buying them for yourself. I don't like other people buying me socks and
undies. It freaks me out a bit thinking people are thinking of my bits and bobs while they are standing in
Who cooks Christmas dinner in your house, what will you be having and who will do the dishes?
I'll be helming the meat situation on the big day and therefore I'll probably be doing the dishes, since I get
a bit tipsy and generally make a huge mess. I'll get a bunch of recipes off the internet and then pretend
some awesome French relative gave them to me. So the dishes will most likely be 'Best Roast Chicken
Recipe', 'Best Christmas Ham Recipe' and 'Bacon Christmas Tree 2.0'.
It's a collaborative affair. And by collaborative, I meanhat I don't do anything. That's the meaning of
collaborative, right? I do help with the washing up. If I'm not having a nap. I have long naps. Usually after
the collaborative dinner.
I usually cook, and we go quite traditional - ham, veggies, potatoes. Then the dishes sit in the sink until
I do all the cooking and what I will do really depends on the weather. My Kiwi better half prefers roast lamb and veggies but some years I get away with a braai (barbecue).
I do most of the cooking during the year so when Christmas Day comes around I take a well-earned break and we just eat the Chrisco hamper. Last one to the table has to eat the box.
I do Christmas breakfast, which is berries and bubbles. We go to my in-laws for an amazing lunch spread which
they cook and then my parents do dinner. I am determined to do the dishes this year. I didn't do them last year and feel bad.
What do you think the Queen should talk about this year?
I'd really like it if she got a bit more personal and told us something a bit more about herself. Imagine if she told us she was into kites.
Meeting John Key. Must've been a highlight for her. I'd also like to see her do the Ali G finger snap. Apparently she can do it. William and Harry taught her. That'd be awesome. "And finally, one hopes one has a happy new year (SNAP)."
Lorde. She should throw down a challenge - "Who's Queen Bee again, kid?"
Her steamy relationship with Cliff Richard. Also, how many corgis she's had stuffed and mounted
over the years. I reckon she's got a huge mausoleum somewhere with taxiderminated corgis stacked up to
the ceiling. It's probably also where she keeps that Queen Mum she had stuffed.
Baby George and how due to budget cuts she's mowing her own berm.
The Queen should talk about neighbourly love. How do you encourage your neighbour to mow their berm?
Do you follow any Christmas gifting traditions?
Yes. I create traditions. There's one I started many moons ago where the Corbett family receives several
gifts from Bud Kowalski (non-existent person). Usually they are bulk bags of cashew nuts or liquorice allsorts.
They are a thank you from him for our help during the Vietnam war. The specifics are hazy. Basically
a method of ensuring I had cashew nuts and liquorice allsorts on the day.
Yes, everybody better buy me something nice. It's a tradition I started back in the mid-'70s and I'm happy to say it's still going strong.
Presents, food and good cheer. They are the easiest traditions to stick to. I think this might be the year
to start a tradition as we have a beautiful new son.
If one of the 7 Days team had to fill in for Father Christmas, who would you choose?
Josh Thomson: Me. The others are stupid.
Paul Ego. Just to know the pain he would be suffering by having to give stuff away. That'd be great.
Dai would make a great Rudolph because his career has taken a similar arc. Not wanted initially, then... well ... lets hope the next phase kicks in soon.
Generally, the reindeer you most identify with is:
Blitzen, just because I like the name. If I was a reindeer I would be blitzen through the sky and stealing Santa's
beer and biscuits.
Brian. Not as well known, but a really nice dude.
Comet. Coolest name of all. Actually describes something that shoots through the night sky. Who prances? Don't even bring up Blitzen. What's he doing?
This year, who has been naughty?
Let's just say the President of Syria shouldn't expect too many presents under the tree.
In order to not make my fiancé seem like she could not fix a car (in my head this seemed sexist), I referred to her as my flatmate on national TV. This is not howI should refer to my fiancé.
The GCSB. Ironically it's them that gather the intel.
Len Brown, John Key and the guy down the road who puts his recycling in my bin.
And who has been nice?
My fiancé. She makes me go all giddy, and is the best flatmate I could ever ask for.
By Christmas it'll be the GCSB. They've got the records. Simple to alter in their favour. Santa will turn up to get the list and he'll be none the wiser.
Me. I am the nicest person I know... and that is indeed worrying.
Everyone! (some of the time).
The 7 Days crew are on tour around the country until December 21, hitting nine centres. For ticket and venue details, go to tv3.co.nz/7days
- Sunday Magazine
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