Elton John's wedding party fizzer
My heart skipped a beat when news broke that Elton John and his long-time partner, David Furnish, were planning to get married.
The couple announced their wedding day was nigh after England and Wales passed legislation allowing same-sex marriages.
Instantly I began to fantasise about a suitably over-the-top celebration, filled with baby's breath, sequins and a stellar cast of celebrity faces, converging at some incredible venue for a wedding that would surely be done in such a grand style it would have the editors at Hello! and Woman's Day foaming at the mouth in anticipation.
But my heart sank almost as quickly when Elton declared it would be a ''low-key'' affair in - a registry office.
Low-key! A registry office! Elton, what the hell is going on? This is an outrage.
The high-profile couple, who underwent a civil partnership in 2005 on the day the ceremonies were introduced in Britain, said family and friends had been ''eager'' to hear about their plans.
Well, dear Elton, that is hardly surprising considering your past parties. Could you blame cousin George and Aunt Melba for being a tad ''eager'' in the hope of getting an invite?
During an interview for US network NBC's Today program, Furnish admitted: ''The phone's been ringing off the hook.''
Well, David and Elton, you only have yourselves to blame for this situation, and, quite frankly, I think you are letting the side down.
Having lavished your nearest and dearest - several thousand of them over the years - with some of the most extraordinary parties of the modern age, from the annual White Tie and Tiaras bash to the hysterical 50th birthday party Elton threw at the Hammersmith Palais in 1997, it would only be fitting to get married in style.
To mark his half-century, Elton turned up dressed in an elaborate Louis XIV-style costume complete with a five-metre silk train and towering wig, held with a bejewelled French galleon hair pin that was more of a hair anchor. The whole confection was so huge he had to be ferried to the venue in the back of a removalist's truck.
But apparently Elton has changed.
The singer got all pious on US television when it came to his wedding day: ''We'll do it very quietly. But we will do it and it will be a joyous occasion, and we will have our children there.''
''For this legislation to come through is joyous and we should celebrate it. We shouldn't just say, 'Oh, well, we have a civil partnership, we're not going to bother to get married'. We will get married.''
And further dashing any hopes of a grand affair, Furnish said in an interview with the Las Vegas Review-Journal: ''I think what we'll do is go to a register office in England in May, and take the boys with us, and a couple of witnesses.''
Oh, just shut up already and call the party planner.
Unlike us mere mortals, celebrities such as Elton John are in the showbusiness game, and if anyone can pull off a grand spectacle and do their bit for marriage equality, then it surely has to be this pair.
When David Furnish celebrated his 50th in 2012, Cher and Lady Gaga were there and the party lasted for four days. So what's with the restraint? What happened to the Elton who gave his house staff Cartier watches and continues to donate millions of dollars to charities around the world?
Considering the lengths the couple have gone to to create their family, which now comprises two little boys (Zachary, 3, and Elijah, 1), why rob the world of staging what ought to be one of the most extravagant wedding celebrations imaginable.
Just think of the photos. Elton's bridesmaids could easily include Lady Gaga, Elizabeth Hurley and Victoria Beckham.
Perhaps the restraint could be due to the fact it will be Elton's second time down the aisle?
His first wedding was here in Sydney back in 1984, five days after he proposed to Renate Blauel, a woman who worked as a sound engineer for the singer. They married on Valentine's Day and his bride reportedly wore a wedding dress studded with 63 diamonds.
Three years later it was all over, with Elton admitting he was gay.
Surely it's time he did it right, and with all the trimmings.
Elton, can't you do better than some sad little registry office affair?
Sydney Morning Herald