How to spot Grumpy Old Women

A trio of women of a certain age are currently on stage bemoaning and celebrating the perils of growing older. CHRIS MOORE meets three grumpy but undaunted women.

At this point in the story, anyone under 40 should be afraid - very afraid. First it was grumpy old men. Now it's the Grumpy Old Women, proud, out and in your face in New Zealand sharing their ever-so- slightly jaundiced perspectives on youth culture, the iPod generation and the joys and the regrets of growing older and wiser.

If Geraldine Brophy, Pinky Agnew and Lyndee-Jane Rutherford want your opinion on gender specific middle age, they'll probably give it to you in a production Agnew describes engagingly as a "linked" monologue.

The trio are now on the road to bring grumpiness to the lives of New Zealand. "Thelma, Louise and friend," Brophy comments during a comfort stop in Warkworth, which, judging by the clink of cafe latte cups and the laughter in the background, is causing a surge of fraternisation among the sisterhood north of Auckland.

The New Zealand production, directed by David McPhail, is based on a British stage show written by Jenny Eclair and Judith Holder, which was in turn inspired by a British television series. Continuing in the same vein as its predecessor, Grumpy Old Men, the show began life as a one-off Christmas special on BBC Two but soon swept to a regular slot after striking (rather than merely plucking) a responsive cord among viewers of a certain age. A book and stage show bobbed merrily in its wake. In June 2006 Grumpy Old Women and Grumpy Old Men began a new series, Grumpy Old Holidays, which explored the irritations of holiday making.

So, what makes women grumpy? Body image, domestic goddesses, the youth of today, shopping, careers, multi-tasking in double figures, holidays and, yes, grumpy old men themselves are very much on the list of what today's mature woman finds a source of concern.

The original television series featured a diverse, colourful and very grumpy group of celebrities, including the prototype grumpy Australian Germaine Greer, Annette Crosbie and Sheila Hancock.

"This stage version is a series of observations, linked monologues, railing against growing older in a society which doesn't seem to like older people," Agnew says.

"This production has been 'New Zealandised' to make it specific to the experience of New Zealanders."

The show also reflects the dramatically shifting demographics behind what sociologists describe as the "greying" society.

"Our parents' generation didn't live as long or as well as our generation of older New Zealanders. Unfortunately, middle-aged New Zealand women were also surrounded by this sense of uniformity. They were all expected to look and behave the same," she says.

"In contrast, this generation of older New Zealanders seem to have lost these inhibitions. They are no longer invisible and no longer frightened of letting their voices be heard. We have the wisdom, experience, and wit - and we know how things work. This show pays tribute to this."

If you expect row upon row of happily grumpy old women at this particular conversione, Agnew advises you to think again.

"From what we've seen, grumpy old men come to the show. In fact, one of the delights of presenting this show is watching how their arms unfold and they relax. This becomes theatre of recognition - and we say some very nice things about the relationship between grumpy old wives and husbands."

Exactly how do you identify a Grumpy Old Woman?

Judith Holder provides the following handy guidelines for female Grumpy spotting:

Shop assistants cower in fear when you return shoddy goods
You are the litter police
Young men are afraid to be left alone with you lest you pounce
You like a slip-on shoe - saves all that bending
If you wore a thong you might look like a Sumo wrestler
You start collecting used margarine pots and plastic bags
You start to enjoy pottering

Then there is grumpy women's Grumpspeak:

"It's a bloody disgrace . . ."
"I want to talk to the manager . . ."
"Cheerio . . ."
"Crikey . . ."
"Spending a penny . . ."
"Is it me or is it hot in here? . . ."
"I could murder a nice cup of tea . . ."
"I can remember flared trousers first time around . . ."

Grumpy Old Women. James Hay Theatre. Saturday, March 27. Book at Ticketek.

- © Fairfax NZ News