Sheet music for solo performances

Masturbation may or may not be something you talk about a lot. But it's certainly the subject of plenty of songs.

The Lost Boys definitely went there first. So perhaps consider this post the soundtrack to their earlier blog...

Recently when sitting with a group of mates (yes, in a circle, if you want an early giggle) we did not take long at all to rattle off a list of songs devoted to pleasing one's self.

The obvious ones first: for women there is The Divinyls' I Touch Myself and Cyndi Lauper's She Bop. For men there is The Cure's Pictures Of You and for men that need a helping hand (as it were) from their father, there's The Who's Pictures Of Lily.

There are ones that at first seem harmless to sing along with: Billy Idol's Dancing With Myself. And far more overt offerings: TISM's Been Caught Wanking. Actually you can also count TISM's What Are Ya? which is worth mentioning for its obvious reference to the colloquial term - and for the funny video.

The Sex Pistols' Friggin In The Riggin is another one that would, erm, stand up and be counted. And I'm sure I could palm off The Violent Femmes' Blister In The Sun - of course the band has come out in its defence, saying it's not about that at all. But, it is. I'm telling you. And speaking of palm, there's our own Bressa Creeting Cake's Palm Singing - that's a euphemism for the deed, right?

Back to pictures - thinking of Pictures Of You and Pictures Of Lily - there is The Vapors' Turning Japanese, which riffs on the subject of pictures once again. And like the Femmes' song, the clarity of the lyrical matter is often the subject of mass debates.

And for every overt tune celebrating the act (Chuck Berry's My Ding A Ling) there are ones keen to celebrate the action but point the blame somewhere else, as Mike Patton does with Mr Bungle's The Girls Of Porn (he goes back to the pictures/images and blames them, "My hand gets tired...but the girls of porn want more", yeah, it's their fault!)

Talking of guilt or apportioning blame, Gary Numan's Everyday I Die has him looking inward ("I smell the lust in my hand"); presumably this means Tool's Stinkfist also gets the rub?

Most of these songs are good tunes - depends of course on whether you like the style of music and maybe the tune has been ruined for you if you had never previously associated the subject with the song (you'll be going for seconds now and thinking come again?).

But what about the very bad songs that mention masturbation (and I'm meaning songs that lyrically deal with masturbation, not ones that feature guitar solos by Yngwie Malmsteen).

Locally we have Tommy & The Fallen Horses. This band has just released a ghastly album called Isolation Is The New Party. (You can read my review of this turd in The Dominion Post) and one song, almost easily the worst (actually, there's some stiff competition) is called Cushions. Funnily enough it is also the song that was picked as the best in The Sunday Star Times' glowing five-star review.

In that song, not content with the clumsy metaphor, "I spilt my ice-cream all over the cushions at your house", Tommy actually sings, "I got too excited and came too early all over the cushions at your house".

Um, yeah. I think it's about time this came to its own conclusion.

But it got me to thinking about songs that might be about the act without us knowing - seemingly innocent/innocuous songs. All it could take is a dirty mind; a puerile thought-process...could Eddie Floyd's Knock On Wood actually be about someone knocking on wood? Obviously Afternoon Delight has been used (again and again) to accompany movie-scenes that feature sex as a team sport or in singles competition.

But what songs can you think of that are about masturbation? That should be about masturbation? Or that you thought were about masturbation?

There must be others that pop up? I'm thinking of another...can't quite put my finger on it....it's just out of grasp...I thought I had a handle on it...

Help me to erect a list in honour of songs that either are about or have been falsely accused as being about everyone's secret hobby, that being, as Woody Allen famously said, sex with someone you love.