From the 1-Star Archives
I've started posting a range of the one-star reviews on my Facebook page. By all means you can join up as a friend and get to read them regularly...but since it's Labour Day and you're all having a break (while I'm still working away...always working...) I thought I'd present a random selection, past/present, for you to enjoy as you enjoy your day off:
Part-time rocker, part-time rapper, full-time jerk. Kid Rock is aptly named - at least the first part of his name, for there's a child's mentality at work here. (And they do seem to somehow get away with calling it work.) From the opener, Trucker Anthem, to the pitiful title track where this Lynyrd Skynyrd/Afro Man hybrid suggests that it's "not arrogance/if you can back it up" - and then can't - through some shameful balladeering (Lonely Road of Faith and Drunk in the Morning) this guy claims to be the real deal and then comes nowhere near. Which doesn't mean it won't sell - look at other product suggesting greatness yet inducing failure: Robbie Williams, McDonald's, alcohol...and that stuff sells. You've got to laugh. He must be.
1 Star
Funnily enough, I felt about as out of place reviewing this album as Cliff Richard might at a wife-swapping convention. The Peter Pan of Pop is petering out; a soggy collection of covers: All Shook Up, Love Me Tender, You've Got a Friend, Moon River...dear lord! All sugary and candyfloss pop-dross and if you like that, well then, that's fine. What's Love Got To Do with It? Another selection included here - but perhaps more fitting questioning the mission statement behind this release. There's not a lot of heart here, Richard thumbs a ride down a bland commercial pop highway, without the decency to let rockers stay as rockers and to leave torch and show tunes untouched. Still, it'll be a perfect month-of-May gift. Mothers will love it, because that - among other things - is what mothers do.
1 Star
Imagine Tori Amos if she swallowed Linkin Park's back catalogue. Well, to be fair to all involved, that's only half the story with Evanescence: 20-year-old Amy Lee offers the Nu-Amos touch to a dozen songs that range from the comparison above to...a comparison nowhere near as smart-alec from some other reviewer, perhaps? It is hard for me to get excited - but all I can say is, it's about time. The Nu-Metal Generation is being raised to think that men lead bands of men, backed by machines (programmed by men). So it's nice to know that a nu-metal band have strayed from the template enough to include a female singer. (And in that sense, Evanescence reminded me somewhat of NZ band Tadpole. Shudder.) Anyhow, it's all here - screeching statements, bland riffs, and generic song-forms. Their single, Bring Me to Life, proved popular on the recent Daredevil soundtrack. I have no doubt they will be world-famous, huge, and masters of their own domain.
1 Star
What an interesting, albeit brief, career-arc it has been for Ja Rule. He has gone from being a lame rapper accused of copying DMX, to a lame rapper accused of copying 2Pac. In-between, he was a lame rapper that showed up on every second Ashanti track. Apparently, he has been the subject of much baiting from 50 Cent. In case anyone doesn't know, 50 Cent is huge. And he has been blabbing on about how useless Ja Rule is. So, Ja Rule uses much of Blood in My Eye to try and hit back. Ja rips into 50 and his buddies Eminem and Dr Dre. And it doesn't ever get close to sounding convincing. And what's more - he does sound like he's ripping off 2Pac. And he tries to send up Eminem and 50 Cent's Gangsta raps...when, basically, their longwinded Gangsta rhymes are send-ups in themselves. It's a shame in some ways: Clap Back and The Crown are two very good songs. The obvious singles, they blend commercial hip-hop with a lightly tougher sound. But, in the end, two good songs is not enough.
1 Star
It's nice to hear Metallica sounding passionate and full of fire as the live tracks recorded in Paris last year clearly show. Working through such metal chestnuts as The Four Horsemen and Ride the Lightning, it is a joy to hear that after a decade of dubious musical decisions (Load, Reload, Garage Inc, S&M) these four horsemen can, in fact, still ride the lightning. St Anger divided fans and critics - and nearly tore the band apart. Former Ozzy Osbourne bassist Robert Trujillo replaced Jason Newstead; Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield were at war with each other; Hetfield was at war with the bottle...and so, what do you do? Well, if you're Metallica you hire award-winning documentarians to film your every rehearsal as well as expensive group therapy sessions. Every film needs a soundtrack, right? Some Kind of Monster features the title track (already available on St Anger) and six live songs - also already available on a separate EP. Meaning fans will fork out again for no new material. (Hey, Metallica needs revenue; the band-quack costs $40,000 a week!) Despite the material sounding good, this is a dastardly trick to play on loyal fans.
1 Star
The fourth album by this bunch of clowns (hey, that's how they portray themselves) seems to take the faux-heaviness of Lamb of God and marry it to pretentious but formulaic choruses, along the lines of Staind. Take away the numbers for names, the clown masks and overalls, the cult of fans referred to by the band and themselves as "maggots" and all you have is another pack of young, bored men who have issues with their dads and are glad to not have to think up any further excuses for not partaking in gym-class. All Hope Is Gone could describe the band's approach to making albums, the tracks seem to be stolen from previous Slipknot albums, and while there are moments of flawless technique and the band is tight behind the riffs, it is not as cohesive as their other records. A DVD shows the band, sans masks, coming up with the material. It is as ramshackle as the finished product and shows that without the smoke and mirrors of their image, this is just another bunch of tattooed wannabes. Fans will not be dissuaded by this review, of course, because for that to happen it that would require the ability to read.
1 Star
Maroon 5
It Won't Be Soon Before Long
Songs About Jane made Maroon 5 in to huge pop stars - even though the album was released in 2002 and took until 2005 to really take off. That song This Love was catchy, but so is the common cold. Adam Levine's adenoidal voice and penchant for watery white-boy funk suggests some awful meeting of the minds between Counting Crows, Jamiroquai, Hootie & The Blowfish and Live. Ew. But, people seem to love the sound. I struggle to see why, particularly on this sugary, sappy follow-up release. The first two songs will make Stevie Wonder bless his own visual impairment - or else surely he'd instinctively reach out and slap Levine and band. From there, I waited for a sign - heck, even a tumbleweed! Something, anything - to break up the monotony. Awful lyrical clichés ("I never knew perfection/until I heard you speak") slip in and around super-slick, veneer-sheen pop hooks. I could imagine this album being useful for people about to undergo surgery for testicular cancer; they'd get an idea, instantly, of what it is like to go through life without, um, balls.
1 Star
It is almost heartbreaking to hear albums like this (and not in the occasional good way, like with a Mary Margaret O'Hara or Lisa Germano album) and more so to hear the story behind the album. And the work that has gone into it. Amanda O'Connor is an American-born, Kiwi-based musician. She sings and plays flute. Her husband has contributed the guitar, bass and (cue evil - synthesised version - of evil piano chords) "programming". This bland version of not-quite-country/not-quite-pop was inspired by time in Nashville and recordings made there. There is a market for it there and I guess there's a small market for it here. But the earnest lyrics ("gentle the breeze that flows through my hair/gentle the seas that lap against the shores/Golden the rays that fall through the shade trees/That's how I see my island of peace" - excuse me, did some New Zealand tourism company just commission Enya to write a song that could be used for an ethereal soundtrack and a shampoo commercial!?) are hard to take. O'Connor never knew her maternal grandfather but he was apparently connected to some Maori tribe. So we have to hear a song called Papatuanuku. And it's awful.
1 Star
It is unlikely that even the yoof of today could like Korn at this point - because an 18-year-old in 2007 would have been five years old when Korn debuted; you know back when you hated them for being the pillar of the burgeoning nu-metal scene? Or you loved them because your parents and un-cool friends hated them? Since then, we have had Marilyn Manson add layers of irony and dress-up (horror-)showmanship to this area of metal. We have had Limp Bizkit take white-boy hip-hop-laced metal to its pop-chart illogical extreme. And we have had Rage Against the Machine reform, to show how desperate musicians milking one idea truly are. So what hope is there, now that there's no hype, for Korn? I never really liked them, truth be told. But, occupational hazard, I have been aware of every album. This is their worst. Jonathan Davis seems to think that just by wishing himself to be the new Trent Reznor it will happen. Newsflash Jonathan: don't try to be cool and introspective and all untitled while you're still getting a major label to write the cheques that your butt can't cash.
1 Star
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Spot on reviews, especially Evanescence and Slipknot.
About eight or nine years ago there was a issue of Rip It Up that posed on the cover one of the most important questions of our time:
Slipknot: The Teletubbies of Metal?
Simon, I've a question.
Having never heard any of the albums in this post, I'm not inclined to argue with your reviews. But I do wonder this: what are the single stars for? Surely, if the albums were that bad, they'd get no stars, so what part of each album warranted that lone star?
Just curious...
@ LankyG - it's a good/fair question. I've wanted to give a few albums 0 stars - but I guess it is hard to represent in the paper. So they go for 1 pretty much being the lowest. Sometimes I will give something 1/2-star to show that it's really bad - below 1 star (ie, most recently Tommy And The Fallen Horses).
I guess if you have no stars below the review people might think it's 5-stars, or if it's five empty outlines of stars it could still look like five stars. I'm really not sure why it's like that. Just seems to be easiest to give something 1 star or a 1/2-star.
I don't make the rules, sorry... :) Not sure if I answered your question?
I wrote a review giving the Disturbed album 7 out of 5 stars. As a joke.
I really enjoyed the Fallen album but I can understand why you didn't like it. I thought both Bring Me To Life and My Immortal were outstanding singles, but after a few listens, the album became tiresome, saying that I haven't listened to it in a good six years.
Lol @ Maroon 5 that truly was a terrible album, I picked it up for $5 (and shamefully bought it).
Outrageous! Sir Cliff Richard is a certified legend...I challenge you to watch the Wired for Sound Roller Disco clip and not start tapping your foot along...Shocking and unnecessary attack Mr Sweetman
Do you ever get half-way through a one-star review and then just have one of those critic's crises? Like... well it is pretty rubbish, but, well who am I to say it? AND are there any of your own columns that you think have been worthy of a one-star or that others might give a one-star to?
ja rule is back!!!!!!!!
@ Clint - no.
Nice Kiwi blokes - shame about the women
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Praying for Ben after explosion
Kiwi Kevin Percy claims Harry Potter castle
Miley Cyrus tour bus overturns, one dead
Top South Korean model found dead
Women pay top dollar for evening with bachelor
Nice Kiwi blokes - shame about the women
Rokocoko to play against All Blacks
As Henry shows, footballers can't be trusted
$450,000 march is political manipulation
Those reviews made my day. The Slipnot review in particular is spectacular!