Your bottom 10 lyrics?
I have just finished reading a book called Crap Lyrics - there are several books on this subject, and I have read a few but this was the funniest.
The writer, Johnny Sharp, looks at anything from a good song with a stupid lyric (Prince's Let's Go Crazy, with its line, "Let's look for the purple banana/until they put it in a truck") to a just plain terrible song (Abba's Does Your Mother Know).
But what constitutes a bad lyric?
There are so many versions of a bad lyric. We've looked at innuendo and those clanging single-entendre masters (AC/DC, ZZ Top) before; there are bad rhymes, awful puns, inappropriateness, subjects that are out of date; and of course there's just bad poetry - terrible metaphors, confused meaning, hackneyed sentiment/rhyme/meaning.
You could argue that Alanis Morissette's song Ironic needs to be on a list because of the much lampooned way she incorrectly puts across irony. Or, in fact, incorrect ways.
There are bad puns - these irk me. And a recent clanger is on the new Robbie Williams album where he sings "was it a blast for you, because it's blasphemy". My toes curl when I hear those sorts of lyrics; I imagine the writer pleased with him- or herself. I imagine myself slapping them hard across the face with a thesaurus or dictionary.
But then, sometimes that's the problem too: verbiage, verbosity, verisimilitude...very, very annoying traits.
I can take wordplay in songs, if it is clever, well meaning, not too pleased with itself, and relevant to the song. But bad puns are...well...they're not good!
So, in Johnny Sharp's book Crap Lyrics he assesses the lyrics in chapters - dealing with many of the subjects I have mentioned above; from bad euphemisms to hoity-toity attempts at literary references (yes, Sting - if you'll pardon the (bad) pun - cops it!).
Sharp offers a Top Ten of sorts, in fact he calls it, rightly, The Bottom Ten. And his list looks like this:
10. Snap, Rhythm Is a Dancer
9. The Crystals, He Hit Me and It Felt Like a Kiss
8. Billy Joel, We Didn't Start the Fire
7. Def Leppard, Pour Some Sugar on Me
6. Richard Harris, Macarthur Park
5. Bob Dylan, Ballad of a Thin Man
4. The Cranberries I Just Shot John Lennon
3. America, Horse with No Name
2. Steve Miller Band, The Joker
1. Black Eyed Peas, My Humps
Now I reckon I could name at least one more song by each of those artists that would deserve to be on a worst-lyrics list; and would in many cases be worse than the ones chosen here.
Dylan's Ballad of a Thin Man might be a bit pretentious in places, it might be baffling/obscure and filled with bad rhymes but I'd take it, any day of the week, over his Wiggle Wiggle.
And Billy Joel is a lyrical disaster, from mawkish ballads that people get married to when they're actually inspired by divorce and heartbreak, through to mawkish ballads about the Vietnam War and then on to mawkish ballads about sleep-walking. He's had more wives than he's had ideas for good songs.
I'd argue you could place the entire catalogue of The Cranberries in there. Ditto: Black Eyed Peas.
I recognised several of my pet peeves within songs when reading this book: lyrical absurdities that push the metre, that struggle with rhyme, that are overly simple, or far too complex.
But I didn't spot a lyric as bad as this:
Mine Tonite
See you in the corner
Oh how I adore you
And I'm gonna score you
You're mine tonight
See you in the bar
You know it ain't that far
To run back to my car
You're mine tonight
See you in my bed
And you're giving good [head]
You may be very well read
But you're mine tonight.
A lyric that basically features nothing but bad rhymes, retarded innuendo and misogyny.
I was in the band that played that song. Worse still - I wrote that song (if you can call that writing). And the reason for the square brackets above in the lyric is because the singer in the band would always tease out that obvious rhyme and replace the word 'head' with and you're giving good...vibe! (I am not sure that made it any better; but then Kanye West could not have polished this turd. And given his last album, he's certainly had the practice).
So, I'll happily acknowledge that Mine Tonite (note the incorrect spelling of tonight in the title but not in the lyric) is a "crap lyric".
But I wrote the song for a laugh (at least I hope so). And we played it in bars for a laugh. (And once or twice I believe we might have even got one. Or two?)
My top ten lyrical howlers would include:
* Red Hot Chili Peppers, Around the World -see here for further discussion.
* Wings, Live and Let Die - because, Paul, the phrase is either "crazy world in which we live" or it is "crazy world we live in" it is not "crazy world in which we live in" - even if that is the only way to make the lyrical line fit the musical line. (Why didn't he write: "crazy world we call Levin" - that would have worked, it would have been true. And it would have made grammatical sense.)
* Most of the songs written by Neil Finn - don't get me wrong, Neil writes a great song, he does not, however, write a great lyric. Try reading his lyrics on the page.
* Most of Bono's work with U2 after The Joshua Tree - this is not to say he was a master of the form who went off the boil but rather to point out that he upped his game for throwing out too-pleased-with-themselves howlers on every album from Achtung Baby onwards.
* America's Horse with No Name - I agree with Johnny Sharp; the song is bonkers!
* Sting - but not for Don't Stand So Close to Me - rather the book of his lyrics (a review of the book was a very early post in the life of Blog on the Tracks; and it ruined the experience for me of playing the two Sting solo albums I like and the handful of Police songs). Please, don't ever let Neil Finn, Sting and Bono write together!
I would also have to pick on Black Eyed Peas - not just for My Humps. Yes I could pick anything from their catalogue (pretty much) but I will highlight a candidate for worst song of 2009 with I Gotta Feeling; coming from an album that also featured a song called Boom Boom Pow and 13 other songs I probably could have picked, I think it's saying something.
But if you don't believe me - and hey, you're allowed to be wrong - then please click here.
So all of those examples and my own Mine Tonite are as bad as or worse than anything on Johnny Sharp's list from his funny book Crap Lyrics (with the exception of Horse with No Name since it is on the list from his funny book).
But what would your list look like? What makes a bad lyric for you? Can you hate the lyric of a song but still - overall - like the song? And if writers like Paul McCartney, Sting, Neil Finn, Jimmy Webb and Bob Dylan can get it wrong with lyrics (all clearly very successful and influential writers) then is it little surprise that acts like the Black Eyed Peas struggle?
When you think of crap lyrics do you go back to prog-rock absurdities from the 1960s and 70s; to the metal, folk, rock, pop claptrap from 20-40 years ago - or do you think specifically of the ringtone rap and pop-pap masquerading as "music" from the last few years?
What would be in your Bottom Ten Lyrics?
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When I saw you post a teaser for today's blog on Facebook I was super excited because I'm obsessed with lyrics.
I know Black Sabbath's War Pigs will get a mention on here "Generals gathered in their masses, Just like witches at black masses" - but I'm so in love with that lyric. I can't decide if it's awesome or awesomely bad.
The same goes for Airbourne lyrics. They're so bad they're actually good. 'What's Eating You' is the worst. I'm pretty sure like all Airbourne songs it's about sex. "I got just one wood, six holes to play, Things ain't fair no, on this fairway". And the horrendous/epic chorus of "What's eating you, is eating me, Say you and you, and me makes three".
I think the worst lyric that's stuck in my head for ages is from that Killers song "I've got soul but I'm not a soldier". I loved Bill Bailey's stand-up parody of the song "I've got ham but I'm not a hamster".
I love wordplay in lyrics. Even if they don't make sense I like to try to figure out what they mean. I've spent a fair bit of time trying to work out Clutch lyrics. From Burning Beard: "Shadow of the New Praetorian, Tipping Cows in fields Elysian, Saturnalia for all you have, The seven habits of the highly infected calf".
I don't like literal lyrics. I like a challenge when it comes to lyrics. But a good pun is quality. And I have the sense of humour of a teenage boy so I do like AC/DC's innuendos. And Airbourne's.
The worst lyrics I think I've ever heard have got to be "Raise the Alarm" by the Living End, The opening line of, "I may not believe in god, doesn't make me a lesser person"... no mate, it doesn't, but this song does. Every time that song comes on I have to change the radio station.
Just read the same book. Had me laughing out loud on the plane.
How about Walk on the Wild Side, with the couplet:
"But she never lost her head, Even when she was giving head"
Rhyming a word with itself? That's just lazy, Lou...
I have never understood "We didn't start the fire". I get that he is rattling off a whole list of "events". But why? I don't understand the whole point of the song? I love the song "Minority" by Green Day, and love the lyrics, and what they mean etc, but I do cringe when i hear "marching out of time, like a sheep runs from the herd". Sorry BJ, but sheep are in flocks, not herds. Am I being too picky?
I actually think lots of perfectly good songs have bad lyrics if you see them on paper - Neil Finn's never struck me as a bad lyric writer as his words match his music really well, even if they don't always hold up on paper. Really, there's only a handful of lyrics writers (Cohen, Dylan on a good day) whose lyrics actually look good on paper, I reckon.
Jon Anderson of Yes is an obvious candidate - he kind of falls into the same category where his lyrics fit the music OK, but on paper they're ridiculous:
"A seasoned witch could call you from the depths of your disgrace, And rearrange your liver to the solid mental grace," - Close To The Edge
"Battleships confide in me and tell me where you are, Shining, flying, purple wolfhound, show me where you are," - Yours Is No Disgrace
"Your thirst I'm asked to justify, Killing our last heaven beast, Don't hunt the whale" - Don't Kill The Whale
I like Tom Petty's 'Into The Great Wide Open', but the triple rhymes are pushing it a bit: "His leather jacket had chains that would JINGLE, They both met movie stars, partied and MINGLED, Their A&R man said "I don't hear a SINGLE"
And then there's really awful:
"And sometimes when we touch, The honesty's too much, And I have to close my eyes and hide, I wanna hold you til I die, Til we both break down and cry, I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides" - Sometimes When We Touch (Dan Hill).
"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble. So you don't confuse them with mountains" - some Shakira song
This is easy. Silverchair - "Tomorrow"...
"There's the bathroom, and there is no sink The water out of the tap is very hard to drink."
At that stage Daniel Johns was far too young for us to possibly ascribe that to some sort of incredibly clever metaphor.
this is why i only listen to black metal, no discernable lyrics.
There are so many factors that can contribute to a bad lyric - awkwardness, cliche abuse, laboured metaphors, sheer grossness. It's hard to pick just one thing. Here is my Bottom 10 - its amazing to think how many of these songs have been inflicted on me by misguided Dad Rock-loving friends:
1. I've Never Been To Me - Charlene (Stomach-turning) 2. Africa - Toto ("As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus over the Serengeti" - I still like the song though) 3. Piano Man - Billy Joel (I like him about as much as Simon does, but this is definitely my least favourite). 4. Hurt So Good - John Cougar Mellencamp (Yuck) 5. Christmas in Hollis - Run DMC ("The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's. But each and every year we bust Christmas carols") 6. We Built This City - Starship (Hard to believe that this is where Jefferson Airplane ended up. A perfect storm of execrable music and lyrics). 7. Rapper's Delight - Sugarhill Gang (Specifically, the verse about bad cooking). 8. The Joker - Steve Miller Band ("The pompatus of love". Honestly) 9. Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something 10. Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins (I don't know why anyone would want to hear Billy Corgan's regression therapy set to music).
In no particular order and subject to the usual caveat about changeability, here are the results of the Don 1 jury:
1. Fun House by Pink. "Now it's full of evil clowns"? Stop taking the meds, you're hallucinating. 2. Don't stand so close to me by The Police. Nabokov and shake and cough have never been a match. 3. Let's Put the X in Sex - Kiss. Sorry Udo, but "Love is a muscle and you make me want to flex" makes me want to barf. 4. 21st Century Schozoid Man by King Crimson. Outstanding in an album full of laughable tosh, lyrics-wise, does anyone know what "cat's foot iron claw, neurosurgeons scream for more at paranoia's poison door" actually means? 5. The entire output of Fish-era Marillion. "The fool escaped from paradise will look over his shoulder and cry and sit and chew on daffodils and struggle to answer why?" I'm strugglgin with question myself. 6. The Pina Colada Song by whoever the forgettable nonentity was that recorded it. More badly written than an episode of the Love Boat, which it reminds me of. 7. MacArthur Park by Jimmy Webb. Worst lyrical conceit ever. And yet a strangely brilliant song. 8. Jailbreak by Thin Lizzy. "Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town..." The jail maybe? 9. Da Doo Doo Doo - the Police. If that's all Sting wanted to say to me, why did it last four minutes? 10. That Was Then But This Is Now - ABC. "More sacrifices than an Aztec priest/Standing here straining at that leash/All fall down/Can't complain, mustn't grumble/Help yourself to another piece of apple crumble!" Martin Fry take a bow. Surely the most astonishingly ill-thought-out lyric in pop history.
Horse With No Name is a difficult one. I talked to Dewey Bunnell who wrote it and he said he was trying to paint pictures with words. He also said he was taking a lot of drugs, which probably explains the "alligator lizards in the air" of Ventura Highway and the "tropic of Sir Galahad". But anyone can have an off day; after all Joni Mitchell once sang: "I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you."
PS - It's "in this ever-changing world in which we live in..." surely?
'Naughty' toilet traps terrified toddler
Million-dollar view, shame about the house
Trap for burglars catches policeman
Brothel scares and stresses neighbourhood
Parents don't want son's killer in town
Guptill blasts Black Caps to victory in first T20
Degrassi star died five years ago
Banking on return of blue magic
'Naughty' toilet traps terrified toddler
Bid to scrap race relations office
High cost of living mars return to NZ
Cathedral repair bill intimidating
Fear of dangerous rift from wealth gap
Hurricanes steal Sonny Bill's thunder
Oasis - 'Slowly walking down the hall/ faster than a cannon-ball' - huh?
Am thoroughly sick of Bono ripping off bumper sticker humour - 'A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle'.