Guest blog: Zombies rule

BY EVIL TWIN

Every once and a while an opportunity presents itself, which you cannot afford to ignore. Try as you might to seek excuses not to take advantage of it, it insists you apply yourself in the hope of discovering something about you that is potentially quite powerful. So, here I find myself feverishly writing, in the hope that I might make a difference.

However, I have to be honest and say that I don't believe this to be one of those occasions.

Two things set it apart. One, in my current capacity I wouldn't necessarily consider myself up to the challenge of writing a blog. And two, this is not the Margaret Agnew you're looking for...move along.

As is usually the case with an evil twin usurping the life of their more capable, better looking double, so it is that your beloved Ms Agnew has been rendered temporarily indisposed and replaced by me, Evil Twin. Therefore the task has befallen me to assume the position and present myself (not literally) as your one-time, never-to-be-repeated movie/television/geek trivia representative.

Evil twins, generally speaking, follow an accepted rule: they're evil. This tends to pigeon-hole them into very specific roles. I, thankfully, am an exception to this rule and can safely guarantee that I am at least half-lovely and really don't intend to cause any mischief. I'm certainly no evil Spock but I cannot say I wouldn't sport a goatee, given the time and inclination, which is usually every second month.

Anyway, the task remains of writing a blog entry. Nothing too difficult there, right? Wrong. I have some big shoes to fill and so will not attempt to wow you or dazzle you with cheap tricks. Neither will I convince myself to give up my day job.

If it were any other post on any other blog I'd most probably start by becoming hot-headed and emotional, build to an angry rant and finally, conclude with an incomprehensible parting shot wasted on all who are actively participating in the blog at the time. But this is not one of those blogs. It is not brash and loud, it possesses no rebellious agenda. It has class and wit and I must do my best to adhere to the standard and not let the readers down.

Which brings me, circuitously, to my topic: Zombies. Aha! I hear you say...er, see you write - no, imagine you writing...whatever. Aha! I knew we'd return to cinema eventually. And you are right, more or less.

While it is widely accepted that cinema provides the necessary vehicle for portraying zombies in a terrifying, spooky, decomposing light, it wasn't always that way. For many long ages zombies were forced to work hard for their recognition...and supper.

Classical literature serves a function but it can only do so much for your average undead fellow (see recent mash-up satirical romance-horror Pride & Prejudice & Zombies). The invention of celluloid catapulted the humble zombie into a world of fame, adoration and as many nubile teenage girls as he can stomach in 120 minutes.

But a question still remains: which is best? What depiction of the zombie nation stands out as the clear favourite, the shambling, brain-seeking yardstick by which all others are measured? Michael Jackson's dancing zombie? 28 Days Later's speedy zombie? Shaun of the Dead's play-it-for-laughs pet zombie? Dead Snow's brilliant Nazi zombie?

As the recognised afficionados, I charge you with deciding once-and-for-all what is the definitive zombie representation? Ultimately, it is a quest which may remain unfulfilled, as a horde of new films clamour and moan imploringly just beyond the perimeter. I'm especially lookiong forward to seeing Zombieland. (Opening Dec 3 in NZ, trailer here)

Oh, and Ms Agnew will return presently.

That is, if I let her, ahahahahaha!

(No, that's not true. She's the boss and she'll be back very soon.)

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