So, I went to see Taken 2. I don't know why I did that to myself, but I did.
As expected, it's a load of old cobblers.
The standout scene from the original Taken movie involved Liam Neeson talking very intensely into his mobile phone. Whacking out a bit of acting for the action fans. Here it is:
Turns out that "very particular set of skills" involved killing lots and lots of foreigners.
It seems the makers of Taken 2 decided that what made the original so successful was Neeson speaking intensly on a mobile phone. So, they put loads more of that in the sequel. Like this:
Look, he's got a phone AND a gun. I'm not sure I can cope with all this excitement.
We can only expect more intense mobile phone conversations in the inevitable threequel.
In fact, here's an exclusive excerpt from Taken 3:
Liam Neeson is talking on his cellphone, very instensely. He's really acting. Intensely.
"Kim, listen to me very carefully. I'm going to be home in ten minutes and I'll be wanting a cup of tea, so I will. Can you make one for me, Kim?
"It's all right. I can talk you through it, Kim. Just stay calm and listen to me.
"Can you do that for me, Kim?
"OK, go into the kitchen, Kim. What can you see? Good, now stay calm, Kim. Look at the kettle, how high is the water level indicator? That's right, it's a little red ball in a tube. What does it say? Two Cups. That's fine. Good, that means we can move on to the next stage.
"OK, good work, Kim. We're doing really well. Just remain calm. I want you to reach out and turn the kettle on. Can you do that for me, Kim? Can you? Good. OK? Go.
[Tension filled pause]
"Good work, Kim. I'm very proud of you. Now open the fridge. What can you see? Good. Now I want you to reach in and pull out the milk for me, Kim. Have you got it? Yes, it is cold, Kim. That's normal. Yes, it's white too. That's normal as well. Well done. Now, Kim, this is where it gets hard.
"Look above the kettle. What can you see? No, not the ceiling, look a bit lower. That's right, cupboards. Now, open the cupboard on the left for me. OK, good. Now, next I...
"What? What's happening, Kim? Kim? Are you OK, Kim? Kim? Kim? Kim Kimmety Kim Kim Kim. Kim.
[Another nail biting pause]
[Yet another butt-clenchingly tense pause.]
"It's OK, Kim. That roaring noise is just the water boiling in the kettle. That's OK. It makes me scream in fear too. Don't worry, you're doing well, Kim. Just stay with me.
"Now, Kim, look back in the cupboard, Kim. Kim? Well done, Kim?
"Reach into the cupboard, take a teabag and put it in a cup, Kim. Kim? Well done, Kim.
"Kim? Kim. Kim.
"Teabag. Kim. Calm. Kim? Kim. Kim. Kim. Listen carefully. Kim. Hand grenade. Kim.
"Kim. Tim Tam. Kim.
"Kim. Turkish feckers. Kim. Kim? Kim. Kim? Kim!"
[Ok, that's enough of this nonsense- Ed]
So, there it is, an exlusive extract from the script for Taken 3: Time for Tea.
I have set up a Facebook page for this blog. ''Like'' if you want blog updates, want to put a trailer my way or suggest a blog topic.
Follow on Twitter