What the Kiwi gossip mags say

ON THE WAGON: Actress Kirstie Alley is determined to be in a bikini again by November.
ON THE WAGON: Actress Kirstie Alley is determined to be in a bikini again by November.

Celebrities say the daftest, dumbest and downright dopiest things ever, and this week they're happily outdoing themselves.

Yep, there are plenty of quotable quotes in the gossip mags, and one of the best comes from Kirstie Alley, whose weight balloons up and deflates down as often as a well used blow-up doll.

Woman's Day reports the former-fatty-then-skinny-and-now-quite-huge-again actress has been "irresponsible" and - thanks to a love affair with wontons, popcorn  and "a lot of butter" - is tipping the scales at 105 kilograms.

But watch out, folks - Alley wants to be "ripped" and wearing a bikini again by November. Will she be a bikini babe or a beached whale?

"I've loathed myself," Alley told Oprah Winfrey. "If I had a whip I'd probably whip myself and, I don't know, maybe that would feel good."

Sounds like you've been whipping something, Kirstie. Was it two-litres of cream, by any chance?

She's not the only celeb opening her mouth and saying inappropriate things.

Former Shortland Street star Stephanie Tauevihi tells Woman's Weekly Jade Goody's death from cervical cancer inspired her to have a smear test. A wise move, especially after they found "abnormal cell changes".

But then Tauevihi says this: "I went for a Samoan nurse. She was asking about when I filmed the TV One show Intrepid Journeys and all the time she was going on a bit of an intrepid journey of her own down there."

Eww. Did she need a shovel and a pickaxe?

Elsewhere, fellow former Shorties star Sonia Gray unveils her twins to WD, and we're not talking about her newborn daughters, Thandie and Inez

The Wheel of Fortune letter-turner tells WD she's had to give up jogging after growing from a C-cup to an F-cup thanks to her double pregnancy - and she's not happy about it.

Has Dolly Parton sent her congratulations?

"I don't really like it that much," Gray tells WD. "When my breasts first got big I thought, 'These things get in the way of everything'. I've tried to run (between) a few lamp posts recently, but even with a sports bra it's a liability."

Perhaps swimming would be a better exercise to take up - if you can find togs that fit.

Then there's Beverley Rokocoko, the wife of All Black winger Joe, who recently gave birth to their, er, cuddly son Cypress. But she had to get past Rokocoko's adoring fans first.

"We got to Middlemore Hospital at 8am and heaps of people started coming up and asking for Joe's signature," Beverly tells WW.

"I didn't want to be rude but I felt like yelling, 'This is not the time to be asking for an autograph'."

You would be well within your rights, Beverley. Doing poos and giving birth are two occasions autograph hunters should respect by backing off. Everything else is fair game.

Finally, the quote of the week comes from Beyonce, who claims she used to be chubbalicious: "When I was around 10 or 11, I was really chubby. My family used to all lie me down flat so that they could zip up my jeans. It would take four of them and I would lie there on the bed while they all got to work on it."

So that's how she got so good at bouncing her booty around. Here comes the 'getting my jeans on' dance craze.

* What do you think of this week's gossip mags? Post your comments below.