What the Kiwi gossip mags say

BY CHRIS SCHULZ

A-list celebrities seem to have taken their Christmas holidays early, leaving this week's gossip mags full of desperate C-listers spouting more dreary waffle than a Paul Henry monologue.

Woman's Weekly is the chief culprit, running features on four Kiwi no-names: Angela Bloomfield, Mark Paston, Sarah Bradley and Jim Mora. If you're struggling to recognise them, that's because they haven't been seen in the gossip mags since Britney Spears stopped wearing underwear. Or ever.

Paston is an All White and new dad who struggles with fashion decisions, marathon-running Bradley stars on a TV show called Good Morning that you've only seen if you're unemployed or sick, and telly presenter Mora likes to engage in some kind of ancient medieval ritual involving duels with gardening implements.

Then there's Bloomfield, the mag's most recognisable name who has done what all Shortland Street stars seem to do once their money runs out and returned to the role that made her a household name seven years ago: Snarky old Rachel McKenna.

It seems you can check out of the Kiwi soap, but you will never, ever leave.

"I thought to myself, 'I don't want to look at myself on telly and see an oompa-loompa," says Bloomfield, who took up boxing to prepare for her return to the small screen after seven years behind the camera.

So she won't be pleased to see WW's photo spread, in which an overly-tanned Bloomfield more than resembles one of Willy Wonka's pint-sized helpers. Alanis Morissette would call that ironic.

The "huh? Who?" questions continue over at Woman's Day with a two-page spread on actor Shaun Edwards-Brown, who is notable only for dating an older woman on Shorties.

Then there's the Keri Harper feature. Yep, you used to know her and now you can't remember her after her stint in New Zealand's first made-for-TV pop group, TrueBliss. She's had a baby, and has been suffering from post-natal depression.

"I was quite down for the first few weeks," Harper tells WD about the birth of her bubbly baby girl Sophie two months ago. "I was emotional, tired, I had no routine and (I started thinking) I must be a bad mother."

Re-watching some old TrueBliss videos might be good for a laugh.

But when it comes to dredging out the bottom of the barrel, New Idea takes the cake.

Ignore the headline "I was born with two vaginas" and skip to the feature on Levi Vaoga, the man infamous for his stint as the Mitre 10 Mega Man. Yep, the dude who has a stubbly mohawk and wears that bright orange vest.

"I'm a real man," says Vaoga, a strongman competitor and father of two. "I do the dishes, the washing, vacuum the floors and I'm a mean cook ... if I don't cook and eat enough I'll get skinny."

He's not kidding - check out his daily diet: A chicken, two dozen eggs, steak, two bowls of rice, half a loaf of bread, a bowl of porridge, six bananas, fruit, potatoes and vegetables, three protein shakes and 10 supplements.

Does he need his very own supermarket for all of that?

Finally, the quote of the week comes from Amanda Peet and her Christmas wish list: "I want boobs, a gentle six-pack and a perky butt".

What about world peace? A cure for cancer? Or the end of global warming? Surely all these, and the promise of Paul Henry not saying something offensive for a week, are more important than your selfish wish list, Amanda?

* What do you think about the stars in this week's mags? Post your comments below.

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