What the Kiwi gossip mags say

BY CHRIS SCHULZ

OPINION: Smoked fish pie washed down with rum and coke. It's not the healthiest of meals but that's how Robyn Malcolm marked the last time she put on her ripped stockings to play Cheryl West in Outrageous Fortune.

Malcolm tells this week's penis-free edition of Woman's Weekly she hosted 20 close members of the cast and crew at her Auckland home for lunch after filming of the show's final season - currently on screens - wrapped earlier this year.

"I bought some smoked fish called alfonsino, which is very poncy, and I used organic cream and lots of parsley from my garden," she tells WW.

"So it was Cheryl's flash organic fish pie. Then we all drank rum and cokes, danced to Neneh Cherry, huddled around a bonfire and jumped on a trampoline."

The only thing that could have made that party more westie is if someone threw a gas cylinder on the fire. Just kidding. Please don't try that at home, kids.

Malcolm also says she and co-star Kirk Torrence "teared up" as the show's final scenes were filmed.

"One day, I stood on the balcony and from there you can see pretty much all of west Auckland. I took a moment, knowing I probably wouldn't see that view again.

"I've spent more time in the West house than I have in my own house. I know every single nook and cranny of it ... I would go and look in the house and grieve that this would soon be over."

Shouldn't the West's house become a museum piece? That's a solid business investment right there.

Meanwhile, New Idea chats to another Outrageous Fortune star, Nicole Whippy, who credits her Staffordshire Terrier-cross Poppy for helping her through a traumatic home birth.

"Having Poppy there was really important to me, and I loved it," says Whippy, who gave birth to her daughter Pearl 13 months ago.

"It just kept my mind off other things. It was like, 'This is normal, I'm fine, I'm not in pain. There's my dog."

Poppy has also learnt how to change nappies, cook toasted sandwiches and put a load of washing on. Unfortunately, clothes pegs are proving too difficult for her to master. Useless mutt.

Elsewhere, Woman's Day's most noticeable gossip is a photo of Ozzy Osbourne emerging from a chemist clutching a bag of goodies. On any other day, there's nothing surprising about that.

But today is different. WD zooms in on the bag - a tool WW could have used a couple of weeks back when it accidentally published a photo of an erect penis - and finds something in there that no one wants to ever discover by accident: A home enema kit.

Lean back, close your eyes and make a mind picture of Ozzy relaxing in the bathroom, enjoying the cleansing delights of a do-it-yourself colonic.

That's not something you're going to be able to forget in a hurry.

Finally, the quote of the week comes from daredevil Katie Melua discussing her 2005 Auckland Sky Tower jump: "Since then, I've been on three parachute jumps, bungee jump, theme parks, everything. I've got Auckland to blame for that."

That sounds supsiciously like an addiction spiralling out of control. Someone get this girl extensive life insurance.

* What do you think of this week's gossip mags? Post your comments below.

- © Fairfax NZ News