What the Aussie gossip mags say

TRIMMED DOWN: Kelly Osbourne arrives at the 62nd annual Primetime Emmy Awards in Los Angeles.

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British mag Essentials has upset the gossip equilibrium by announcing it is publishing its entire October edition without a single model or celebrity.

Which makes you wonder what would happen if our gossip mags did the same this week.

The offerings would be as slim as Kelly Osbourne's dramatic new waist. For each ''women allergic to exercise'' feature that stayed, two celebrity pet specials would go.

All mag covers would be blank - except for one lonely reference to home-made jam.

At New Idea, pics of Rachael Taylor arguing with Matt Newton in a pub in Rome hours before he allegedly assaulted her in a hotel foyer would never make it past the bouncer.

Nor would Taylor's reportedly furious rebuke of Bert and Patti Newton for discussing their son's problematic life on A Current Affair. ''Rachael absolutely hated having the Newton publicity thrust upon her as well,'' a friend tells Woman's Day, apparently without irony.

Former Neighbours star Holly Valance would still be able to tell OK! that rich guys deserve a chance at love too, on the grounds that her new $40,000 (NZ$51,000) watch (given to her by her billionaire developer boyfriend, Nick Candy) has a bigger public profile than she does. ''You can't hold [being wealthy] against the man,'' Valance's mother counselled her.

On similar grounds, New Idea would be free to publish shots of James and Jackson Packer at the polo. Elsewhere, we would be left with just an educated guess on whether singer Katy Perry had called off her engagement to former sex addict Russell Brand. But there's an outside chance that's exactly what NW was doing anyway, when it reported the pair had already cancelled their wedding four times.

''It would be very surprising if this wedding happens,'' an unnamed friend of the couple tells the mag.

Less surprising than if the mags actually went celebrity-free this week. But they didn't, which means Bob Hawke's live-in biographer faced a magazine jam - and not the fruit variety found on page 83 of Women's Day.

''Blanche d'Alpuget is uncharacteristically shy when asked about a strange movement where she and other members can bark like dogs to connect with God,'' the story about her involvement in Subud begins.

- © Fairfax NZ News